Not Wanting To Come Back

[silver_turquoise]

I've asked a lot about whether my symptoms are dissociative.. I guess they are, as much as they don't sound like what other people experience... I might have to just treat it like dissociation until I find some evidence that it's not.

My problem is that I don't want to "come back" when I'm having an episode... it feels like a major rejection, I'm aware of some frustration in my body, and it lasts for hours and hours, until I sleep after about 5 hours, and then once I've slept for about 8 hours and wake up, I still feel the symptoms in my body, being dizzy and unable to process speech or talk properly. I just don't want to engage with anything. I think it's related to my not coping with therapy well in the past, not being able to afford anything to treat myself now, and having to work full time even though it makes me so sick and exhausted and stops me having the energy to do self-work. My partner has PTSD and I frequently get really dissociated when I have to deal with his illness too, even in a tiny way, and I think the dissociative stuff is just me saying that it's all too much.

I seem so resistant to actually engaging with anything at all, and I never seem to know how to come back from an episode. I don't know what to do about it. Does anyone else experience this?

 

[milbert]

This sounds like dissociation to me. It sounds like you are also in a stressful life situation, so trying to diminish the stress in your environment could probably help with the dissociation. The symptoms you describe of tiredness, dizziness and exhaustion could also be depression. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? I see that you've posted about these types of episodes before.

Have you read up on grounding techniques? I think the key is to keep trying different techniques until you find which ones work, then keep practicing until you're able to shift out of dissociation with less and less effort.

Here's a list of grounding techniques I found on [DLMURL]http://www.wwu.edu/counseling/subpages/subselfhelp/Grounding.shtml[/DLMURL]
Everyone's different, so you'll probably find that most of the techniques listed are not helpful, but that some will help. What works for some people doesn't necessarily work for others.

• Repeatedly blink your eyes hard.
• Change the position of your body.
• Try to regulate your breathing - slow, even, rythmic, full breaths - try counting your breaths - 1 in, 2 out, 3 in, 4 out until you get to 10 and start over..
• Use imagery to go to a safe and soothing place in your mind.
• Go to an actual place in your home or surroundings that feels safe to you.
• Move vigorously around your environment.
• Name objects in your environment out loud.
• Hold onto a safe object.
• Listen to a soothing tape.
• Clap your hands.
• Stamp your feet on the floor.
• Wash your face with cold water.
• Say positive statements about yourself (“I’m a good person.” “I’m strong and capable…” etc.).
• Remind your self out loud that you are safe (“I’m an adult. I can leave anytime I want to. I can take care of myself.”)
• Spray the memory with a bottle of (imaginary) cleanser until it goes away.
• Project the flashback on a dry erase board, and then erase it. Do the back and forth movements of the eraser with your hand.
• Draw the flashback on paper. Then shred it, burn it, or bury it.
• Draw the feeling associated with the flashback. Give it a title and try to add some words.
• Put the flashback into an imaginary vault or container.
• Eat something delicious.
• Sing!
• Dance!
• Call a friend.
• Plan a meal.
• Read a magazine.
• Make a collage.
• Knit, crochet, or sculpt some clay.
• Grab your car keys and hold them (these are a symbol of adulthood and independence).
• Touch a piece of jewelry on your body.
• Go outside if you’re inside. Go inside if you’re outside.

 

[silver_turquoise]

Thanks so much for responding. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and unfortunately there is no way to remove the stress from my life - I have to work to support myself/my husband, and I can't change that he has the same illness. I have tried to just increase the amount of good in my life, by doing positive things like going out for coffee or going to the gym, but I find my symptoms are quite chronic fatigue like and mean I can do very little without needing many days afterwards to recover, which isn't possible because I need to be working to ensure we can eat and afford rent. This means that in reality to cope with work, I have to work and do nothing at all other times. I can't afford therapy or treatment of any kind, and the one free therapy option I had made me seriously worse and prompted a massive relapse, so I feel like I'm out of options.

I have tried many of the grounding techniques. but I'm very resistant to them and more often than not, in the moment I don't want to do them. At the time I want to retreat so that I get left alone and so I don't have to deal with the stressor. It's embarrassing and makes me feel horrible about myself.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just so stuck in a horrible situation that dissociating frequently and for most of the time is the only way out.