Not Wanting To Get Better?

[Lady of Longbourn]

My kitchen is clean :D

 

[Jacquie]

So there is an association with the clarinet. And by avoiding the clarinet you avoid all that shit huh?

Yeah but the clarinet didnt do it ;) And neither are you now.
Can you grab a NEW piece of music or a really different style and just blow into it make noise for a start?

Maybe place a bright orange cup or something within sight range while you do it, to keep the new associations with 'now'. So the sounds or music now, associates with something that didnt belong to then.

Its so CONFOUNDING why, when we cant get rid of the stuff we want to get rid of, instead we end up getting rid of something else we can. grrrrrrrrrr Me too.

EDIT: Thats it. Just read your kitchen post. I AM GOING TO THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!! hahahahaha

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I dont really want to play. Would rather paint.

I have an idea too.

Clean your kitchen yet?

 

[Jacquie]

Ok so you paint. My sink is full of hot water and my sleeves are rolled up :p

 

[Yellow Sun]

I have noticed in my actions, it seems like I don't really want to get better. Doctors give me medication, I will take it for a few days, then quit. I wont follow there advice to much. People try to help, I back away.

It seems rather self-destructing, if you ask me.

Any thoughts?

(Please note: I've just come up for air having written my post and can see that the thread has taken a turn for the positive. I'm still compelled to post - selfish I know. So if you're of a more positive disposition right now - and I'm really glad if you are - this might not be the post to read.)

Your question is intriguing to me. Ayesha, I'm shooting the breeze here, because I don't know you. So quite frankly I'm clueless - and there's a high probability that none of the following are relevant to you. But you asked for thoughts - so here are a few.

Maybe you don't entirely trust what these people are selling you - doctors with their pills (I'm not advocating that you don't take your medication - I haven't got a clue about medication, so I'll stay off that one); but maybe their version/their picture of well-being, what motivates the giving of pills, isn't doing it for you - doesn't inspire you enough to want to get well. I mean what really is on the other side? What awaits us - this wellness, this healthiness? Maybe you sense that what is on the other side doesn't quite ring true - that it's not all it's cracked up to be; and perhaps is only marginally better than what you experience now (I'm speaking of what they sell you at this point - not the reality of wellness per se). And so therefore you're not in such a hurry to get there. Who would blame you?

Perhaps you've not yet visualised or imagined an internal picture or pictures of wellness that inspire you. I'm personally less sure about this one. Because it is possible that your creative spirit has done just that - seen in your mind's eye something beautiful, something worthy, something worth busting a gut over; but perhaps you don't trust your pictures. Perhaps you don't believe that they are true - things almost too beautiful, too good to exist in reality. It could even be that actually, you have such a need and passion to be well - to live your pictures - and that this need and passion is so great that it makes you afraid. That you daren't trust it. And so fall back into the way that hurts you, but which offers some imitation of comfort - the comfort of familiarity.

Maybe your pulling away from people who are trying to help, is about being unable to trust the good things they say and do. Like you feel that you're not good enough: "Why would they say or do those good things? What's wrong with them? Can't they see?" Perhaps you've forgotten or lost the sense of how good you are - and therefore cannot fully see that goodness when it is reflected in others wanting to reach out to you.

Or perhaps the good-willing people who are trying to help, are just slightly off the mark in their understanding of where you're coming from. And so their help, isn't really helping (although it might still mean something to you that they would want to - I don't know).

Like I said, your question is intriguing. It's a question that I myself am plagued by; and so it's always a concern responding in a post to someone's invitation to comment - because my thoughts probably say more about me than they do about you. I had meant to say something about my personal experience of this questioning - but it didn't work out that way. I hope that's okay.

Regardless of whether my thoughts have taken a detour and have ultimately become derailed (as they tend to do) I think the fact that you can sense and pay attention to this ambivalence - and have the courage to ask the question - speaks volumes about you. :)

 

[The Albatross]

The desire to be healthy and the things I do sometimes are oppositional too. I'm afraid to do that with meds though because my brain is already screwed up enough as it is. There was a time when I was on an SSRI medicine and I was so afraid of messing up my brain chemistry, that even though I was half hearted about the drug, I took it as prescribed routinely. I didn't want to skew whether or not it was working for me. My mind told me that if I did it haphazzardly I'd be shooting myself in the foot. What does your mind tell you about your inconsistent medicine use?

Depending on what you believe about the medicines and what benefits and conscquences they have for you... you're right, Ayesha it can be self actualizing a self destructive pattern (as you also say you do that with people). But on the other hand, sometimes we get insights from the struggles and it is a growth experience. You are aware of what you are doing... the meds and backing away from people. You might not have had this realization if you hadn't gone through this. Just remember it's not a permanent thing... it can change.

For me, the backing away from people had more to do with trust issues, and not knowing how determine safe people and safe relationships. It was being so aware of my past choices that brought me the realization that I didn't have any tools to pick or choose socially. My core belief was "Everybody's out to get something. Everybody will lie to you and hurt you." I found I needed to spend some time learning about what a safe person or relationship was... when I did that, I was better able to do the people thing without reverting into isolating behavior or pushing away.

Perhaps pushing away people who want to help you has to do with beliefs around your sense of worthiness? Do you not feel worthy of help?

Just wanted you to know I hear you, I'm reading, and I hope you are able to get some answers that will move you forward and that things will change and improve for you!!!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Yellow Sun and Albatross,

You both said a lot, that I have to think about.

Can't rush into my answer here.

 

[Yellow Sun]

Ayesha, you don't need to feel any pressure to respond. You don't even have to respond at all, if this feels too difficult - or just doesn't feel right. You can simply rest in the comfort of other people responding to you, and wishing the best for you.

 

[discovering me]

The process for healing has been long and drawn out do to my lack of awareness of how things interrelated.
It wasn't until the last two years that I have really dived in an started to make any progress. This is because I can finally see. And there are times that I so badly want to put back on my glassess and not know what I know such as how and why I respond, understanding inapprorpriate guilt, what happened in my relationships that furthered my ptsd symptoms, facing up to an unhealthy marriage and starting to pay attention to how crappy I really feal inside instead of wearing the mask all the time....and....this SUCKS! Reality sometimes Sucks and I want to crawl back into the cave of being unaware because reality hurts. But with reality and awareness, I am really changing althought it is an intensive, long process. There are days that I am greatful for the support and there are days I want to run away from it. There are days I so much want to be seen and there are days that I want to hide. The roller coaster is the path to healing and I hope that it continues even thought I don't like the seeing where i have come from, what it has done to me, and grieving.
Running away is easier...that's why so many of us stay stuck. Taking the surivior position instead of the vicitm position is hard but once you grasp that, healing will begin.
Good luck!:tup:

 

[Jacquie]

I had to think about 'survivor position' rather than 'victim position'.

Nobody who knows me would call me victim position. I think half the problem is I AM A SURVIVOR! I have battled through god knows what and nothing until very recently broke me. And everyone still says "Oh but you were always the strong one" (translates to we'll dump all our shit on you while not lifting a finger to help you)

The position I prefer (and am trying to get back to) is this. I'm HUMAN. I have good days and bad. I have successes and screw ups and sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad. There are times I'm afraid and times I am brave. I cry, scream and laugh and.....find joy in a drop of dew on a blade of grass. And sometimes I feel like choking the living crap out of morons.

I'm me. I'm whole. I have both strengths and weaknesses. I'm human. I am not a position.

I dont want to dominate OR be dominated. I want to just simply....be me. And that means the other people around me accepting that I dont always HAVE to be......the survivor. The strong one.

Thats just a cop out for people who dont give a shit.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Good heavens Jacquie...You took the words out of my mouth.You express yourself very well. Striaght and to the point. Like that.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think not seeing a future for myself is big here too. I know its common with PTSD. But when you don't see a happy future, with a social life, a job you love etc...then it would be harder to try to get better. Instead you think things like dying one day.

Sometimes I find myself dreaming of the future. I want to hold on to that. It will help me try more, try harder. T also says...my sense of humor saves me.

One day at a time....