Not With It

[Jimmy1]

Not With It

Gee, at the moment my mind feels like an episode of JAWS. 'Just when you think it is safe to go back in the water.' Or, just when you think your over the worst of it.

I have gone from conquering my mind and medication, to being back on it and in the world of hurt.

I can't even think straight at the moment. I have lost motivation to do even the menial of tasks.

Its not all bad I suppose. I am still forcing myself to the Gym twice a week, and going to my boys football training and matches, but its such a challenge.

I keep going around in circles. I am now asking myself the question again of 'What is my role in life'. I used to be a soldier until they kicked me out. I used to have a wife until she left me. I cannot work. I am limited physically from certain activities due to injuries.

There has to be more than just being a Dad.

I suppose I am lucky to have him and I am still kicking.

I am just having a bad month and am not really with it.

Jimmy

 

[anthony]

Yer, been pretty off myself the last month or so, and only been making good headway again the last couple of weeks. This thing always has a way of knocking you down just when your ahead of it. I'll keep fighting it though all the way until the day I die.

 

[Jimmy1]

I am hearing you mate. The problem is that it sinks it's teeth in when everything is going well. And being the analytical person I am, I try and figure out why. When really, there does not have to be a reason at all. Frustrates the living daylights out of me.

 

[Jester5610]

I used to live in a roon with 3 other blokes, I shared the showers in the mornings with at least 10 others and at breakfast, lunch and dinner would sit down with 200 plus blokes. I could walk to work in the mornings and knew just about everyone on route to work!! I was married with a son and had everything I ever wanted, I was confident outgoing and always laughing and joking.. I never had to worry about the man next to me as I knew he had my back and I had his, they were my friends and family... Now I cant bear to look at myself anymore, I cry most days, I get angry most days, im bitter, twisted and unhappy, I cant even go out anymore without it been planned and then I bottle out of it at last moment, when I do go out im so on edge and very emotional, I know its the military conditioning of me, I watched the video, " your not in the forces now" and has helped me understand what and why I do behave the way I do!! but it does not make it easier!! I feel like a right pussy at times, I cant just go out and enjoy the day and live, I cant talk to anyone anymore as I sound like a cracked record!" I just stay locked up at home in my comfort zone, this is difficult for me to do!! im sharing and have not been able to do that in a long time, right now im crying writing this and feel so low and withdrawn!! I cant be with anyone as I just have a self destruct button inside me that goes off! I just seem to be going round in circles all the time!! some days im good and then im back down to feeling like crap again, it really really gets me down so much. some days I just want it over. I have seen thrapists and shrinks but the bottom line is, they no less than me and are unable to help!! reading the articles and blogs on here makes me realise im not alone!!

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, its not all bad news. You sound like me a few years ago. Hear in Australia I managed to complete the national PTSD course. Even during that I would bolt home to be in the safety of it. Alcohol and substance abuse were my best friends.
My wife left me and took the kids. Call it luck, but I have my boy now and he was my reason for trying to get better. I used to leave the shopping trolley full of groceries and leave the supermarket because too many people were around.
I had to find a reason for ME. Now life is better. I have bad days and sometimes bad weeks or months though. The good news is they are getting fewer and further between.

There is hope mate, and there are people on this site that can offer great suggestions should you pose any questions. Keep your chin up mate. We have your back as much as we are able.

Jimmy

 

[T.J.]

I am hearing you mate. The problem is that it sinks it's teeth in when everything is going well. And being the analytical person I am, I try and figure out why. When really, there does not have to be a reason at all. Frustrates the living daylights out of me.

Yes, Trying to figure it out that has been driving me nuts for ages. Is that a symptom?

 

[Jimmy1]

No mate, there does not have to be a reason for the PTSD symptoms to rear their ugly head. Sometimes it can be something subconscious, or a bit too much stress, and sometimes nothing at all. The trick really is to just acknowledge the fact and let the people know who are close to you that you are not well. Anthony uses the term 'sick'. So when he is feeling all screwed up, he just tells people he is 'sick'. The good news is that once you start learning the early symptoms, you can adjust your lifestyle.

Another thing I found mate was that in the early days when I first found out what it was I had, the period between getting sick and feeling good was very small, but over time the periods of feeling good last a lot longer and I don't stay down in that black whole for as long.

Hope that helps.

Jimmy