BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
I've been depressed for months. Some days I feel everything. Some days I don't feel anything. I get up to do something and decide it's pointless. I start things I don't finish. I lay and stare and I think until I can't think. I smile for the people who can't deal with it when I don't. And it feels like I'm willing stone slabs instead of facial muscles. It almost hurts to smile sometimes since everything inside feels. Or doesn't feel like anything.
Life for people I know who aren't depressed is a thing they come back and tell me great stories about. Sounds fun. You look happy. Tell me all about how everything worked out and the worse thing about how you slept is that you woke up to pee. Tell me how delicious food is since every time I eat I'm feeding my fatness. Oh hi there borderline ED for making me see myself all distorted. Like the day the lady told me I'm skinny and I wanted to cry since I'm not and I wish I was.
When life hurts and you don't want to die you just want to be happy. When thoughts are deep and confusing and sticky and triggering and spin in circles and you don't want to think. When sleep brings dreams no matter what they might be. When you want to talk and you know no one is going to understand. When you want to eat but, you don't because, calories sugar fat and carbs. That's when almost everything feels like nothing.
There are a few bright spots coming. There are some things that when depression isn't sitting on my positive emotions I do feel good about. And I'm grateful for the things that are working. This will pass. This will pass. I don't know when but, I know I'm going to get to the other side of this.
Life for people I know who aren't depressed is a thing they come back and tell me great stories about. Sounds fun. You look happy. Tell me all about how everything worked out and the worse thing about how you slept is that you woke up to pee. Tell me how delicious food is since every time I eat I'm feeding my fatness. Oh hi there borderline ED for making me see myself all distorted. Like the day the lady told me I'm skinny and I wanted to cry since I'm not and I wish I was.
When life hurts and you don't want to die you just want to be happy. When thoughts are deep and confusing and sticky and triggering and spin in circles and you don't want to think. When sleep brings dreams no matter what they might be. When you want to talk and you know no one is going to understand. When you want to eat but, you don't because, calories sugar fat and carbs. That's when almost everything feels like nothing.
There are a few bright spots coming. There are some things that when depression isn't sitting on my positive emotions I do feel good about. And I'm grateful for the things that are working. This will pass. This will pass. I don't know when but, I know I'm going to get to the other side of this.
