Yes thank you I love this. The trauma shell becomes more exposed. I can see out of it I think sometimes and become rational but then I'm back in the same place again. Yes and I was suicidal always and I didn't know any of this so that's a change in perception but I live it still. I did some really severe things though to escape it and be reclusive. I still am.I think this is precisely why many people do not go to therapy in the first place even when suffering! The fear of realizing shitty decisions we made while traumatized!
How often I too came at that level of realizing wow! I made all these decisions while dissociated, literally blindly going about...what???and get so scared of what this means - short of just kill myself or rebound to reality! This is the root of therapy work. To f*ck people over and question everything and yet come up to accept the f*ckup! or if the f*ckup is too f*ckup - to leave the situation and hopefully make slightly refurbished life choices.
My own recovery has been roller-coaster (still is) but I realized I led a decent life dissociated (without abusing others is a great thing to learn), how bad can it be now that I can see...nothing changed really - just my perception is improving. I even asked (and got scared answering so many times - still there are never satisfying answers) would I marry my husband if I was not traumatized? What if syndrome....bottomless pit!