Other obligatory infidelity?

[damagedbeyondrepair]

ive been extremely curious about this however i was raped multiple times and do not know how to or ever set my own boundaries with people out of pure fear and reactions amongst other things.
ive battled with substance abuse and coping due to ptsd and bpd however ive been in a relationship with a woman i completely and utterly adore however recently with my addiction its caused me to go out more with purely just the intention to chase my high to cope with my past however with that being said of course id take things too far and when others threw themselves on me i of course did not stop it now id like to preface this by saying i am asexual and have no interest in any form of sex n get no pleasure from it n would only go through with it as to not disappoint or upset the other person not because i personally wanted to however with all this being said i cant let any of this go and am not sure where to begin with any of it and would really like for somebody to just agree with me being a downright terrible person for this. my girlfriend has forgiven me for this but i dont feel right about it at all. i know that it isnt me but i just cant grasp why id let that keep happening if i claim to love her so much?

 

[Movingforward10]

Slef destructive behaviour. Self sabotage. All, sadly, common behaviours.
You know it hurts you. You know it hurts her. Yet: there you are doing it.

But: it can change. You are engaging in behaviours. Behaviours are in your control. It might not feel like it. But it is.

Sometimes working on what is driving that behaviour helps. And working that out with a therapist helps.
Sometimes building in strategies to stop that behaviour helps. Learning to say no. Learning to stop at any point, even in the middle of doing that behaviour. Etc etc.

It can get better. But it takes you taking control. Rather than you feeling a victim or at the mercy of your own decisions.

 

[damagedbeyondrepair]

Slef destructive behaviour. Self sabotage. All, sadly, common behaviours.
You know it hurts you. You know it hurts her. Yet: there you are doing it.

But: it can change. You are engaging in behaviours. Behaviours are in your control. It might not feel like it. But it is.

Sometimes working on what is driving that behaviour helps. And working that out with a therapist helps.
Sometimes building in strategies to stop that behaviour helps. Learning to say no. Learning to stop at any point, even in the middle of doing that behaviour. Etc etc.

It can get better. But it takes you taking control. Rather than you feeling a victim or at the mercy of your own decisions.

but do you think that this is something i can be forgiven for n forgive myself for? i feel like i dont deserve that forgiveness.

 

[Movingforward10]

but do you think that this is something i can be forgiven for n forgive myself for? i feel like i dont deserve that forgiveness.

Sure. Of course. Sounds like you're caught up in the cycle of shame. And lack of feeling worthy.

You are worthy of forgiveness. From yourself and her. You said she has already forgiven you?

If you keep doing it. That's where the problems will come in. Because it will be harder for her, and yourself, to forgive you if you keep on doing it. Saying sorry, being forgiven, and then repeating and repeating and repeating is an awful place to be in. But you can change that.

 

[damagedbeyondrepair]

Sure. Of course. Sounds like you're caught up in the cycle of shame. And lack of feeling worthy.

You are worthy of forgiveness. From yourself and her. You said she has already forgiven you?

If you keep doing it. That's where the problems will come in. Because it will be harder for her, and yourself, to forgive you if you keep on doing it. Saying sorry, being forgiven, and then repeating and repeating and repeating is an awful place to be in. But you can change that.

thank you that is very reassuring n i really want to change it i just feel like letting it happen as many times as i did before realising this n coming to terms with my problems is unforgivable.

 

[arfie]

hm-m-m-m-m. . . could this be what my supporters and i call, "hyper-sexuality" in my own psychotherapy sessions? my hyper-sexuality is nearer the OCD which causes me to scratch holes in my skin --among other idiotic compulsions-- than it is to romantic love or sexual freedom. i don't ENJOY it any more than i enjoy compulsive counting or stuttering. hyper-sexuality is a symptom of my illness far more than a moral choice.

am i interpreting correctly?

 

[damagedbeyondrepair]

hm-m-m-m-m. . . could this be what my supporters and i call, "hyper-sexuality" in my own psychotherapy sessions? my hyper-sexuality is nearer the OCD which causes me to scratch holes in my skin --among other idiotic compulsions-- than it is to romantic love or sexual freedom. i don't ENJOY it any more than i enjoy compulsive counting or stuttering. hyper-sexuality is a symptom of my illness far more than a moral choice.

am i interpreting correctly?

the thing is about this id most definitely consider myself asexual.

 

[arfie]

when it comes to ptsd psycho ticks, most especially the compulsive behavior, what i consider and what i do under the influence of psychosis are radically different phenomena. logic is illogical during my psychotic episodes. i mentally file my hypersexuality as OCD behavior. OCD does not respond well to logic, not even for a logic genius such as myself.

for what it's worth
radical acceptance and mindfulness are my first line tools for dealing with my OCD. radical acceptance that my OCD is on the prowl again gives me the detachment i need to mindfully manage the symptoms. it is what it is, whether i understand it or knot.

 

[Friday]

id like to preface this by saying i am asexual and have no interest in any form of sex n get no pleasure from it n would only go through with it as to not disappoint or upset the other person not because i personally wanted to h

So sex has about as much meaning to you as shaking hands? And when someone offers you their hand, you find yourself obligated to shake hands with them, rather than refuse to?

Time to start practicing saying “no” to people.

i know that it isnt me but i just cant grasp why id let that keep happening if i claim to love her so much?

It’s harder to stop behaviors we assign little to no value to, than behaviors we assign great value to. You’ve got both going on, as you DGAF about sex, AND are utterly terrified of disappointing or upsetting the person in front of you.

Again, time to practice.