ColoursToday
New Here
I'm four years out from the events that led to my PTSD/CPTSD and Anxiety Disorder. I have been in therapy, attended sessions with a psychiatrist who was monitoring my dosage of Antidepressants (2 years of Wellbutrin and Trazadone), and have regularly attended therapy (CBT).
The pivotal event was discovery of infidelity by my now ex-husband. Within days he left to reinvent his life, and became indescribably indifferent, dismissive, and cruel towards me and our child who at the time was 6 years old. I remember events from those early months in third person, as if I am "watching myself" where I went into survival mode separating out finances, shared obligations, and establishing a safe, structured routine while putting on a brave face. This was followed by a long period of grief where I experienced intense episodes anger/rage, gripping anguish and despair, unrealistic bargaining, and a gripping need to avoid anything related to him out of instinctual fear.
This was amplified when my husband's new partner about a year and a half later began to harass, stalk, and threaten me on social media. Around this same time my car was broken into and things inside visibly destroyed and the contents of my glovebox emptied all over the passenger seat, and a strange car was parked outside frequently with someone sitting inside it for periods of a half hour to an hour. Police intervention made it stop, but for about two years I put film up on my windows to block anyone being able to see inside my house. I also developed a fear of going out in public, and when I was out I had to "scan" the room thoroughly to make sure nobody seemed "off".
Things escalated when my ex-husband hired a lawyer to threaten me when the girlfriend's tactics didn't succeed a few weeks later. I hired my own lawyer, which started a legal process that was about two more years of paying my way through a re-traumatization of the worst moments of my life in order to "get safe". I lost a lot of weight and hair over a period of about 6 months during this "crisis" period that started with the stalking/harassment. I don't know if I could have managed to get through it without therapy and medication.
It's now been about 2 years since legal proceedings concluded, and while my anxiety has subsided and I feel somewhat safe my world-view and lifestyle has changed dramatically. I've become a recluse, only interacting publicly when I can't avoid it (e.g., going to work). I have groceries delivered, and my preferred method of "connecting" with anyone is online. I go "out" with family or close friends maybe half a dozen times a year. I avoid eye contact with complete strangers. I feel exposed just taking my dog out for a pee or doing yard work. I cannot stand watching or reading anything about intimate relationships, and the idea of "couples" makes me very uneasy. I've developed a distrustful view towards certain women as being predatory, and most men as being misogynistic.
I'm here because while I've found some online support in communities on Reddit and Quora, I'm hoping to find others who are struggling with similar issues as I am with PTSD/CPTSD caused by intimate relational abuse.
The pivotal event was discovery of infidelity by my now ex-husband. Within days he left to reinvent his life, and became indescribably indifferent, dismissive, and cruel towards me and our child who at the time was 6 years old. I remember events from those early months in third person, as if I am "watching myself" where I went into survival mode separating out finances, shared obligations, and establishing a safe, structured routine while putting on a brave face. This was followed by a long period of grief where I experienced intense episodes anger/rage, gripping anguish and despair, unrealistic bargaining, and a gripping need to avoid anything related to him out of instinctual fear.
This was amplified when my husband's new partner about a year and a half later began to harass, stalk, and threaten me on social media. Around this same time my car was broken into and things inside visibly destroyed and the contents of my glovebox emptied all over the passenger seat, and a strange car was parked outside frequently with someone sitting inside it for periods of a half hour to an hour. Police intervention made it stop, but for about two years I put film up on my windows to block anyone being able to see inside my house. I also developed a fear of going out in public, and when I was out I had to "scan" the room thoroughly to make sure nobody seemed "off".
Things escalated when my ex-husband hired a lawyer to threaten me when the girlfriend's tactics didn't succeed a few weeks later. I hired my own lawyer, which started a legal process that was about two more years of paying my way through a re-traumatization of the worst moments of my life in order to "get safe". I lost a lot of weight and hair over a period of about 6 months during this "crisis" period that started with the stalking/harassment. I don't know if I could have managed to get through it without therapy and medication.
It's now been about 2 years since legal proceedings concluded, and while my anxiety has subsided and I feel somewhat safe my world-view and lifestyle has changed dramatically. I've become a recluse, only interacting publicly when I can't avoid it (e.g., going to work). I have groceries delivered, and my preferred method of "connecting" with anyone is online. I go "out" with family or close friends maybe half a dozen times a year. I avoid eye contact with complete strangers. I feel exposed just taking my dog out for a pee or doing yard work. I cannot stand watching or reading anything about intimate relationships, and the idea of "couples" makes me very uneasy. I've developed a distrustful view towards certain women as being predatory, and most men as being misogynistic.
I'm here because while I've found some online support in communities on Reddit and Quora, I'm hoping to find others who are struggling with similar issues as I am with PTSD/CPTSD caused by intimate relational abuse.