General Observations

[Petchen]

One thing seems abundantly clear to me about the special relationship we all have.


A lot of problems are caused/exacerbated by getting upset/being bothered/ offended by a sufferers feelings. As if they, the feelings are a personal affront. It's like adding fuel to the fire. I think that in general even in normal relationships this occurs all the time. I don't think that everyone should be a pillar of perfect all the time but realize that we are going to have feelings fall out of us, spew out of us, ooze out of us and they have most likely nothing to do with you. I see that as a good thing. So if a carer is able to just let the feelings be...acknowledge them rather than argue them or take offense by them, triggers and emotional situations can be reduced because we are not getting worked up by some other non relevant issue like the fact that emotions and feelings are scary and oft uncharted territory for most normal people and even more so for those whom may just be coming out of the numb.

My feelings are just that my feelings arguing a case against them or being mad at them is useless.

Just my 2 cents
;-)

 

[Seasounds]

I think I get your point. No one is perfect. Self-forgiveness is healthy and self-kindness is healing. Relationships are challenging.

I haven't ever had the intention to harm anyone with my words, but I have. Due to my own situation:

Being mad at myself has never been helpful; it just repeated childhood abuse patterns.

Learning the ability to choose new habits and practicing non-violent communication skills have been helpful. Those 'spewing moments' are less damaging to my relationships and my life. (And I don't inadvertently remind myself of my parents.)

As relationships are 'personal', I never found it realistic or logical to ask a friend to excuse my harsh expressions (saying it was "nothing personal") or visa vera. It was like asking them to pretend they weren't there, and to pretend they had no feelings/responses to what happened.

I learned to accept people leaving me, when my expressions were triggers for them..

I experience that, even if words aren't directed at specific people, angry and loud expressions are acts of intimidation and dominance; they train people to be afraid, and repeat the cycle of violence.

Due to unexpected, blaming, condemning, loud expressions being a trigger, I need to avoid people that regularly lose their temper, swear, etc. I tried to shut the triggers out, but it didn't work. (Didn't want to appear as a Polly Anna.)

I express loud anger when I'm alone, or when I am in my therapy sessions.