Observing myself lately


I have a garden out front, a sidewalk and a curb. Anything put to curb is free and people know this. My garden has toys on display in cute scenes because the day care or young families walk by, some stop and play occasionally. I put some stuff to the curb the other day. A woman stopped, got out of her vehicle chose something of interest to her and put it in the car. I was watching because my dog alerts to everything and I typically look out the window. She continued towards the garden and examined all the dinosaurs there, and the toy elephant. Grabbed a bag and put it all in. Cleaned the garden out. I did nothing. I should have gone out and reminded her she was on the property taking things but ya-nope. I am still reflecting on it trying to understand the watch and don’t do anything that came from me. Tonight the house is very cool. I’m cool. I had gone upstairs to get something, stopped in my elderly roommates room and brought him down a sweater. I go do some of the dishes the whole time shivering a bit and suddenly realize that I looked after him no problem even though he didn’t ask and did nothing towards my own need. I’m open to tips on what this is all about-just two examples of me being me, but suddenly I’m starting to be aware and wondering why I’m not making better choices or something.
in my own case, awareness has often felt traumatic in its own right. once i become aware of a recurring pattern, it bugs the unholies out of me until i either accept it and/or change it. i don't share your reluctance to stand up for myself, but i did have to learn more gentle compassion in HOW i stand up for myself. once i became aware of how brutal i could be in standing up for my rights i went through a period of guilt that turned me into a doormat for a while. oh, for the love of balance. . .
I am still reflecting on it trying to understand the watch and don’t do anything that came from me.
Whenever I’m learning how to fight? I usually get a “she’s hopeless” label attached. As I’m constantly doing the wrong thing, moving to slowly, etc. times 1,000.


1. I’m an amazing dancer.

2. I went out dancing with one of my hand to hand instructors at one point, and he got FURIOUS with me. Because if I can dance? I can fight.

Cha. I know this. I’ve certainly been in enough real life fights, and I’m still here. I’m not an amazing fighter, although I MIGHT be, if I stopped purposefully f*cking up in training. (His point. Which I don’t disagree with. I simply haven’t found a work around for that… yet.)

Asshole actually put this to the test, and provoked a fight, that I laughed my way all the way home on, whilst he, still, seethed. I’m a decent okay-ish fighter. IRL. But in the dojo I’m not going to be snapping knees or moving fast, or anticipating -like dancing- what comes next. I’m going to find out EXACTLY how bad things can go, and how middling, and how to recover from those f*ckups. I just am. I’ve tried no holds barred, but I cannot -to date- do that unless someone is actually trying to kill me. Then? Movement is like magic, and it all just happens right. Or has, to date. With one exception. (When it was someone I loved attacking me, and I couldn’t unfreeze.)

But the way MY mind works?

1. I want to do EVERYTHING wrong, to find out what happens.
2. So I can do it RIGHT, when it matters.

That’s proooobably a trauma thing?

I had the relatively rare, and super-lucky 🍀 experience of being raped so many times in a row (I was held prisoner and tortured for awhile, and the day usually started off with rape) that I actually Got. To. Try. EVERYTHING. I. Could. Think. Of. And I’m an inventive bitch. What I learned? Whatever my instincts in the moment were? Were usually the best/most correct response. If I fought when I wanted to remain still/quiet/silent? If I “helped” when my instincts were to fight? If I ran or fought when my instincts said acquiess, please, submit? Etc times a zillion? I would regret it. It would be waaaaaay harder on me, and the only reason I’m not dead from that “try everything” period, is that they had orders to keep me alive. That nearly flubbed a few times.

I provoke people.
I stay still when I know I should act.

Both? To see what happens.

If it had been ME watching them take my dinosaurs?

That’s what I’d have been doing.

Next time? (And the next, and the next…) I’d try a variety of responses, depending on my mood, to see what happens then.

Until I am absolutely sure I’ve both got the measure of the person themselves AND the spectrum of cause+effect, to get the outcome I want. Because the outcome I want? Is never going to just be one thing. I may WANT the bruised kid to have a dinosaur, (and trade me a cool rock), but the buffed nails mama to never drive down my street again, for fear I MAY be home.


To be completely honest… whilst the above may be 99% accurate? There are ALSO just times I’m caught flat footed, because I don’t expect it. AND after the first f*ckup respond exactly the same way, every single time after. Because now I know. But 99% of the time? I’m pretty sociopathic about my curiosity.
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I did nothing. I should have
Resonates with me. Before my recovery I used to do shit like this all the time. I even kind of reveled in the process of being silent. If nobody noticed me or thought about a need I had it felt like a cool victory. Even for mundane stuff. Like someone giving me too much or too little of something. Or asking if I want such-and-such. No comment and yes. It wasn’t even fawning, it was like grey-rocking my way through life.
I want to do EVERYTHING wrong, to find out what happens.
2. So I can do it RIGHT, when it matters.
Very much relate. I do things very wrong and even like to see how wrong I can do them in different ways. Then perfect. Perfect is just one way.
Next time? (And the next, and the next…)
I often use the phrase, “Next time.” I talked to my T about a time I just watched myself and didn’t react to someone being provocative to me and how weird I felt afterward and thought so much of what I should have done and T gave me this idea, to think, “I dare her to try that again.” And it helped me with the regret and “should’ve” feeling.