Obsessive Thinking About Trauma

[Placebo]

I think about my trauma so much. It was way better for a long time then I had flashback and said something of facebook after a surgery and got seriously abused by sick people the f*cks who do this with power and money use to hurt ones who may talk. Anyway, that is not important for this question.
I think about my trauma almost any time I have free space out time like driving, or nothing is going on in life which right now is very little time in my life. I am have stopped working to control what I think about as much as I once did. Does it help to control your toughts? Does it help PTSD to change the groove in the record of the mind that seems to skip and replay over and over, or is that avoidance or bad because it is running away from trauma, or is it correcting PTSD that can make someone obsess on past truama's or am does PTSD not do that and do I just have a serious resentment because it will never be ok, never get better, nothing will be done to attempt to make amends and make it right, and it caused me so much pain that I can never even dream about getting even. I don't have a time machine so I can't go back to when they were in highschool and f*ck them up mentally with sexual abuse so that they never get to where they are in life and they suffer the abuse that causes a loss of life. I can do nothing and truly never had any power to stop them. I think also because there was only one of me and so many of them the abuse was so much worse than I could ever do to another human being ever. It is just strangers hating, abusing, and robbing someone of safety, security, and life. Gang rape at the level they gang raped me utilizing one of the definitions of the word rape seems less than what they did, but it is the only word close enough to describe it.
So why do I obsess or do what seems like obsessing over the past. I have only been safe for a month now to write anything on the internet or do anything in my life that does not cause men in power to abuse me as happened continually even sense they found out my ex was willing to pimp me out and hurt me even though I said "no" he still tried around the time we broke up. He raped the next girl he was with two days after she had his abortion on his demand. He was/is a bad sick person. Anyway is it too soon? Will it always hurt? Will I always be obsessed or is this just my mind continually bringing this up because why? why does my mind keep bringing up pain now that I am safe for now. I honestly think I am too old for them anyway and don't think they will be back. They like the 15+ girls under wrinkles or maturity. They like them unable and unknowable about what is abuse and they like them defenseless as kids because girls under 18 have no legal rights or abilities to stop men like this as in Epstein and the other bastards that are hidden, and complete self centered narcissistic slime that sees no ones emotions and humanity other than their own. I know again as I was one of them. So why when I can publicly say they are molesters and sick rapist do and nothing bad happens like I am not getting shot at or bullied now as of a month, why does my mind keep bringing this up?

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm sorry you went through what you did. Do you think you could have obsessive thinking or is it more like obtrusive thoughts? Guess the language is very similar. I think of obsessive thinking as circular in nature while obtrusive more hitting you out of nowhere. Both are awful I guess.

 

[Placebo]

No I think I am totally dumping all my sh*t in this site. Anytime it hurts I have started summoning here after I missed two day of work and had to call Rape Counseling Services' emergency line a bunch for a few weeks it calmed down but was still intense and deeply disturbing feelings and realizations about reality that are beyond me as historical fact and nothing I can do about it and no one that I can talk to who can even remotely relate to my life and the isolation of the trauma is a problem itself for ptsd and in my case I can't honestly and shouldn't talk to people about it.

I'm in a rough triggered traumatized patch but it comes and goes throughout the day. I fight it so it doesn't stay, and by fighting sometimes that means totally surrendering to pain breathing and going into my Buddhist spiritual practice don't mentally do anything as emotions are not a mental process (when they become a part of the mental process, mental illness can easily become a problem) breath and experience it for all it is and do not allow it to be realized as bad, negative, or not desirable. When I simply allow it to be there it is intense but it does shift and change. It just takes a hell of a lot of pain for me to do that lately. My practice has been off from the last few days of June to Epstein getting busted.

My life sucks sometimes. I knew before they did it in high school. Something weird happened in my life on a many level plane of existence rapidly over two years of development from 15-17 and just enough When I was done with that horribly gawkey emotionally weird kid place of changing physically hormonal mentally and having no power over your parents. My body developed rapidly with in that time as well and was always changing along with my face structure and thoughts along with perceptions of me and the world around me. I was trying to form an identity and grow up while at the same time having my first big heart break love but the guy was a totally abusive looking back as was the rest of my life.

I keep go I g over the same story but it's been my life for 26 years as I got blamed abused and told I was crazy repeatedly after being told I was the problem and abused as a kid. I have only felt free a little when Epstein got arrested again and Some weird sick guy I have never met told me like a week before he was sorry and if he could take it back he would and then I swore to God he was the one to leave me a message crying as if it made a difference for torturing me and my family. All the torture we have been through and tears and hell we have lived through. They are sick narcissist to say the least. He left a message he was crying once and trust men I have been extremely psychologicalky tortured by them. I am shocked and a played by his psychologically sick pathetic reality of he cried I should feel something for a strange man that has tortured me.

It's odd to be on this life of the curtain when your dealing with this much sadist pornographic amounts of money, connections, resources, and power that these people have. It has been difficult but I made it through where others have killed themselves or worse hurt others.

Sometimes it's ok. I just got a flashback writing this. Maybe I should stop and close my account. I'm thinking this isn't good for me. I stopped writing about it years ago. Maybe it was best. I don't know what to do. I have never heard of anyone going through this and living through it and being all hunkey dorie ever in life. But I want to be happy. And I work for it. I have worked so hard for any happiness I have had.

It has been painful to be gang raped and rejected from society and it has been a huge part of the entertainment industry and was a running joke for years. I have been tortured. And it started before I was 15. They spit on me at 11. And brought their famous raped friends in to make sure I felt as gang raped as I could be. All men all sexual and all a big bang bang joke.

It has been difficult but sometimes life has been good. I made a friend Tree who saved my life and made sure I knew I was a human being. He was unique to say the least. It's been good sometimes. Maybe I should find a way to get my stuff off the internet like some people do. Oh wait that's the Intelligence agencies and power guys who I have that power or someone who has resources 99% of the population doesnt. When I pointed something out about my torture. It suddenly changed everywhere over night.

They gang rape in packs. It's never fair one on one with these sadist. They have guns and power and money and they treat us like parents while they are royalty. They gang rape people tget dont like. I m not like them. When I don't like someone or They hurt me I just walk away and try to move on. They never let me go. They are rapist and sick and are everywhere because they have power and can have people do things. If someone wants to torture you and rape you like epstine then it's legal as we have seen. They did it to me and got off on it. I don't know how I am still alive I said "no" and they tortured me really bad. But from watching they need I guess it's what people like them do inside. It's who they are and what they value in life. No one can change what they are inaide, and some of us are unfortunately forced to see them behind the illusion as the Jimmy savile Epstein Weinstein loving groupies and playas or kings princes and pimp along with their personal musical accomplishes its what it is. We are ruined as Epstein said to little girls who said no. I said "f*ck your soul to death" it's not easy to live through their group hate cruelty and sexual abuse all along them making fun of you calling you a cry baby. I was crucified in Ventura but not everyone knows about it just the ones who got off on it the most then flipped the f*ck out when I didn't react the way they wanted me to. Wholesale women all the time. I have been raped by two women in my life infact. Both of them had been sexually abused in their life and crazy as shit. Women can be cruel to women when their one of the boys. I learned a lot time a go if you have a buddy you'll never be one of the boys. But these women do it because they even abuse women like a "boy" their f*cked up in the head reality. They took away my home after gang raping my mind to bits and judging me for watching the nervous break down and not stopping it or helping me like a decent human being woukd. These people are dog shi t and sick like psychopathic and it's horrifyingly sad how much power they have.

I have lived in hell. My parents were so emotionally negligent and neglectful With me it was abusive. They knew they tortured me into DID and they still disinformation knowing I could lose it and be tiered by voices again like I was and they still torture d me. They knew I tried to kill myself and was in cardiac critical care and still tortured me. They people knew I had not had a relationship with a man after they fit set me up to be whored out stop tortured me. They knew I had been in so much pain I went to psychiatric phacpolicies when I was abused during flashbacks times and they abused me during flashbacks times. They knew the kids spit on me at 10 and they later made friends with people who didn't his to me and they still tortured me. KNew I couldn't listen to music or watch hardly any tv when I finally got over it still tortured me. They knew presidents and I was no one growing up in my house as a teenage kid and they tortured me. They knew other presidents or still knew Secretary of state while I lived in a ghetto watching bodies pulled out from my back porch in a town they all make fun of publically and I still got tortured. I wanted to fly in a plane for the first time to get over my dear of flying and because I have never been on a plane and was going to but then they tortured me when I was in ptsd. These guys knew before epstein got busted. They hate raped me for not wanting to be a number 12 like in the old twilight zone. And I say hate raped because They took away over 26 years of my life by hurting and having groups of people up my bass stalking an 2em 7 for no reason except to hurt me because I felt gang raped in my back yard in fact I was gang raped and my ex boyfriend let it happen.

 

[digger]

It was way better for a long time

What has helped you in the past to move away from the obsessive cycling?

I just got a flashback writing this. Maybe I should stop and close my account. I'm thinking this isn't good for me. I stopped writing about it years ago. Maybe it was best. I don't know what to do

When you stopped writing about it before, did that help at all to calm the obsessive cycling of it in your head, or did it continue just as strongly?

When I simply allow it to be there it is intense but it does shift and change. It just takes a hell of a lot of pain for me to do that lately. My practice has been off from the last few days of June

Are there small steps that you could take now to get back on track with this if it was helping? Maybe committing to practicing for short periods of time when you're maybe not feeling so caught up in your thoughts already might help you find your place with it again?

had to call Rape Counseling Services' emergency line a bunch for a few weeks it calmed down

We're they able to offer you any advice about things you can do to try and help yourself while you're on the wait list for therapy?

What advice have you had previously from professionals involved in your care with regard to the obsessive thinking?

 

[blackemerald1]

The obsessive cycling of thoughts centering on my trauma kept me very ill for many years. It was like I had two brains that were at war with each other. One wanted to replay in sickening details all of it on a non-stop loop all of the time... ugh... The other brain was so tired, so fatigued, so fed up with listening to my other brain tell it what happened! Too stupid... and the war raged on unabated. Drugs, therapy nothing really seemed to help or help that much or help me all of the time.

I'm not really sure why it all calmed down and became less so. I would not say the war is over but there is a peace agreement between my two brains. It's a bit of radical way of describing it but it will do for now. Actually it makes me feel at risk of it starting all over again just by thinking about how much calmer it is at the moment. ugh....

I did a huge amount of therapy and work and still do on just that.

Acceptance that it did happen and I lived through it and I'm no longer in it helped me. Yes brain you were heard!

I stopped trying to deny that it was trauma, stopped trying to dismiss it from my mind, stopped minimising and avoiding it.

Did lots of stuff about accepting that it was all real, all happened and here I am NOW.

I had/have (because believe me it's gotta be practiced) to accept the thoughts as they arrived, allow them their air-time and convince myself that I need not suffer from them.

I use the word self-discipline, because I cannot think of a better word right now; in terms of my thinking and the intrusiveness of those thoughts/trauma that's the closest I've come to explaining the process of allowing, accepting, processing and then returning my focus to what I need to do in the now.

But on bad days, the whirly, swirly thoughts can swoop in unannounced when I get complacent. Like I said, a work in progress and an ongoing maintenance project.

Not sure if that's going to help you @Placebo - :hug: Hang in there, keep working on it. It does get better.

 

[Mach123]

I'm approaching thirty years married and it never stopped. I brought it into my marriage. I just accept it now. I still feel it and I think about it just as much because I guess I actually love it.
This took me a long time to figure out. I incorporated a certain amount of eastern philosophy in my healing that helped. It's not as bad now the pains faded. I still get triggers and lose control though. (It's a sex thing) but even then I know it's happening. I always kind of knew though. I knew it was a thin out of the past. I knew it couldn't be relevant and it was obsessive. I'd been in twelve steps since I was in my twenties. I knew what bad thinking habits looked like.

I make myself as comfortable as I can.