Oh Dear, Have I Just Done Wrong?

[Sandstone]

I'm on daily visits from the Crisis Team at the moment. You get whoever is available, sometimes one, sometimes two. After a very unpleasant rape nightmare last night I was really hoping it would be an all female visit today.

A man phoned to say he and his colleague, whose name I didn't get but thought was Angie, would be round in half an hour. I opened the door to two men, one a stranger, one I recognised as someone OK I've met twice. Without thought I said "Oh, I didn't realise you meant two men. I can't do that. Sorry" and shut the door in their faces. Then called through the door "But thank you for coming" Then went and hid in the downstairs loo.

I don't know how to think about it. Some of me thinks that to send two men to a woman alone at home is dodgy, and with my history is verging on cruel. Some of me thinks I've just been very rude and should ring to apologise. Some of me is livid with myself, because I'd made up my mind to go along with anything offered because it is at least something. In fact the people I've seen this time have been generally good, though a bit lost. Much better than previous encounters - I don't know if that is my attitude, or their understanding because of my added diagnosis.

Do you think I've just blown it?

 

[hodge]

I would have felt and acted the same way, @Sandstone. They should know better than to send men to you. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe call the place and tell them you need to have women come?

 

[scout86]

I don't think you've blown it. You may have given them something to consider that they've overlooked up to now. And maybe not. Maybe they've had the kind of response before. It sounds like you were as courteous as you could be, under the circumstances. That can't have been way!

 

[Muted]

I actually think your quick reaction was excellent. I think it was really dumb of them to try and put you in that situation.

For me, if I would have frozen I would have spiraled, because that would have compromised what I felt comfortable with, because I felt like I had to let them in or I'd be in trouble.

Personally, I think you set a very healthy boundary.

 

[Sandstone]

Once again I've become all quivery and shaken. I have at least realised that I need to do my list of soothing activities.

Thank you all for replying so quickly and kindly.

I've spoken to OH and he said he thought they should have on record that they can't send two men, but maybe that was from a previous time.

I'm not sure I set a boundary; I think that would have to be more thought out. I do think I'm in trouble. I think I should have been able to manage it. I think I should phone and grovel, but I can't manage that.

Going to cuddle the cat.

 

[hodge]

No need to phone and grovel, Sandstone. You stand your ground. This service is supposed to help you, not trigger you!

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm not sure I set a boundary; I think that would have to be more thought out.

Sometimes, setting a healthy boundary is having the wherewithal to say "No" to someone in the heat of the moment.

I would have done the same thing, by the way, probably less courteously.

 

[Fadeaway]

Way to go! So, proud of you. It is funny how we think we have screwed up when we do something right. You handled yourself so well. Not only while they were at the door but afterwards. Where is the round of applause smilie? We need one.:tup: I guess this one works too.:)

 

[Suzetig]

On another day at another time you might have been able to cope, you might not but at that particular time you couldn't. It's ok to not be able to cope and to take care of yourself in that.

It might be worth phoning the crisis team just to say you couldn't cope with a home visit from two men but you still need ongoing support. Just so that they know you struggle and can note their records. You did well to respond at all - try not to beat yourself up.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I don't know how to think about it. Some of me thinks that to send two men to a woman alone at home is dodgy, and with my history is verging on cruel.

It is cruel, you did nothing wrong, you have set a clear boundary and I would and have done the same thing! I think it took a lot of courage to stand your ground. That is setting a boundary. They now have on record that you will not have men in your home (even 1). You might give them a call just to let them know that you were more than just uncomfortable but as Suzetig said, you still need ongoing support.

Suggestions, when you're expecting any visits - even supposedly safe ones, keep a phone with you and a plan should you become uncomfortable. Know where the closest exit is. It helps to feel safer - even in your own home - when you have a plan in place as well as time ahead to put things in place. ex curtains open, a call to a friend just to let them know you're having visitors over, physical space between you and the therapists. Even an object (kitchen table) between you.

You did all the right things. Please don't second guess yourself. Am there myself right now. It's a very vulnerable place to be. That's not your fault.

 

[Hope69]

I'm on daily visits from the Crisis Team at the moment. You get whoever is available, sometimes one,...

Not at all. IF the purpose is to make sure you are safe, then it is important to keep in mind your psychological safety. IT possible the team did not understand or take account of this , however it is within your rights to set those limits, and I think important to set those limits to take back your power to choose situations that are safe and right for you. IT doesn't sound like you were rude, just expressing your needs.

 

[Chitoshi]

I'm on daily visits from the Crisis Team at the moment. You get whoever is available, sometimes one,...

Sandstone, I'm terrified around men I dont know when I'm by myself. I'm not sure two would have been at my level of handling it. I think you set proper boundaries and were able to articulate very clearly that no, that you couldn't handle two men after your nightmare. I agree with others, they didn't consider it and you may have given them something to think about. Don't apologize, if you still want to call, call and say your preference for women to come to the door instead, maybe?

Men threaten me, even when they aren't being threatening. I feel awful about it, but then I try to realize with my kind of trauma it's probably normal.

You did great. :)