Oh Dear, Have I Just Done Wrong?

[Deleted member 34328]

Sandstone, I'm terrified around men I dont know when I'm by myself. I'm not sure two would have been a...

yup

 

[barefoot]

I don't think you've blown it, I don't think you were rude and I don't think you need to phone and apologise.

As others have said, you looked after yourself by setting a boundary (a boundary, doesn't need to be a long, thought through, planned strategy - saying "no" to something spontaneously in the moment is definitely boundary-setting)

And I think it sounds like you were measured and polite in the circumstances - you explained why it was a no-go today and you thanked them for coming.

If you always want there to be at least one female visitor, I think it's worth you calling them - not to apologise, just to say that an all-male visitor team isn't something you can manage (at the moment/ever) and can they please ensure that in future there is at least one female.

I honestly think you've handled this well. Better than I would have done...I would probably have felt horrified and panicked and then let them in anyway, then afterwards, have lost my mind a lot. Boundaries....yeah...!

 

[trying2movefwd]

I had one male try to do my intake at the hospital. I totally freaked out and finally told him(in a not nice way) I needed a female. I can't imagine having two men at my door!!! I would have done the same thing you did, maybe even something far worse. I agree with the others on here you did a good job given the situation! Sorry they triggered you (that would have happened to me as well).

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I think your handled it beautifully both before and after. Well done.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm rather surprised that no-one is pointing out my responsibility to work co-operatively with an overstretched service. I think that knowing I would be uncomfortable with men, perhaps I should have contacted them and said so today. I certainly couldn't expect them to guess the subject of my nightmare. Don't we say often here that it our own responsibility to manage our triggers? I didn't manage it, I hid from it.

I don't think there will be any mileage in trying to set my own arbitrary rules for what they should do now, because on the two previous occasions when I ran (from an optician where the fitting was to be done by a man and from an all female meeting in my house) if I run, they remove the service without comment. When I spoke to OH, he said they should be contacting me to see If I'm OK. They haven't, so I think we can assume they are gone.

 

[James McGregor]

I'm on daily visits from the Crisis Team at the moment. You get whoever is available, sometimes one,...

I can totally understand why you did that, and they should have forseen it - but.......the nhs being what it is, i fear they may well use it as a reason to discontinue support. Sadly they will use any excuse to do that. If you can talk to someone you trust you should be able to explain things a bit further, but i would be prepared to argue your case strongly (not that i think you should have to- but i fear you will)

 

[barefoot]

no-one is pointing out my responsibility to work co-operatively with an overstretched service.

I really don't see it that way. I don't see you failing to work co-operatively with them. I see someone who was triggered by a situation and who looked after herself and explained the challenge to them and then thanked them for calling round.

Don't we say often here that it our own responsibility to manage our triggers? I didn't manage it, I hid from it

I think what you describe as "hiding" from it was managing it. You got triggered and you reacted by setting down a boundary (closing the door and having them leave). If you'd have ignored your trigger and let them in, presumably you'd have got even more triggered while they were with you and/or suffered a greater fallout afterwards? So, in this instance, I think it sounds like you recognised that it was triggering and you did what you could to minimise the impact.

I don't have any experience with NHS mental health care so I don't know whether, realistically, this could negatively impact the support you are currently receiving. I think it would be completely appalling if it did. But I don't know if I am just naive about how these things work. Is there any way that it might positively impact the support you are currently getting?

I think we can assume they are gone

That feels like a big assumption to make at this point, though I understand that you are reaching that conclusion because of previous experiences. Even if this does end up negatively affecting the provision and they do end up gone, I still cannot see that you have done anything wrong in this situation. Not at all.

 

[Friday]

Actually, I think you did smashingly well.

I'm not sure I set a boundary; I think that would have to be more thought out.

Nope. Informing someone of a boundary is different than acting on a boundary. You acted. And you did so cleanly, firmly, & politely! You not only took care of your own needs, but were considerate of other people in the process. Well done.

I'm rather surprised that no-one is pointing out my responsibility to work co-operatively with an overstretched service.

Being cooperative does not mean being a doormat.

Consider it this way... In my old job people had the right to request / insist upon the sex/gender of the people working with them. That did not mean we always had that sex/gender ready & available. Which meant that someone wanting a woman (or man) might have to wait. A cooperative person? Did not never insist on their right. They were never assholes about it. They understood that we would absolutely get someone to them, but it may be hours until someone was available. An uncooperative person would not only know there would be a wait and throw a fit about that, which isn't uncooperative just obnoxious, but also once there was someone available? Refuse to work with them. Not because the situation had escalated, outside of the persons control (which is different than being belligerent). Because they were pissed off about having to wait. Remember the term is CO-operative. That means people working together. If either side takes the attitude of "My way or the highway!" That's not cooperative. If we didn't have someone of the correct sex/gender? That was our fault. Our being understaffed does not remove their rights. Nor our obligation to see to them. If we had someone and the person refused to work with them? That's their fault.

I think what you describe as "hiding" from it was managing it. You got triggered and you reacted by setting down a boundary (closing the door and having them leave).

Agreed.

Managing triggers & personal responsibility doesn't mean never having any. In fact it often means removing yourself from the situation.

 

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

I'm rather surprised that no-one is pointing out my responsibility to work co-operatively with an ove...

Often times those of us with trauma have trouble setting boundaries, I applaud you for doing so. I see your perspective, sure. Each of us should try to manage triggers and advocate for ourselves and our needs when possible. However, we can't predict the future. You didn't know that two men would show up. Quite frankly, I'm shocked they would send two men to a females house regardless of how much they know about your situation. I'm proud of you for setting a boundary in the heat of the moment. I fear I would have just let them in and been completely stressed, anxious and overwhelmed during their visit, then would have beaten myself up for NOT advocating for myself. I think a phone call may help you express your future needs and ensure your emotional safety with those who are their to help.

I would be rather upset and disheartened to hear they would discontinue service based on one interaction that was not constructive for you. It's okay to set boundaries, it's healthy. I think those of us who have been in very unhealthy relationships/situations/experiences quite often take on feelings of guilt and responsibility that are really not ours to harbor (I know I sure do). We are so used to doing things in an unhealthy way, or a way that meets others needs but not our own, that setting boundaries can feel "wrong"... but with practice, it becomes more natural and will hopefully start to be liberating and empowering. I sure hope you continue to get help through this service, and that it is the help you truly need.

Best of luck to you :hug:

 

[FireSign8]

I commend you for being brave enough to open the door! Now they at least know that you are not a threat to society because you did not get violent or scream a bunch of stuff at them. You kept it plain & simple. Good 4 U!:D:D:D

 

[Sandstone]

In the end, my husband phoned them. He spoke to a woman who said it shouldn't have happened, that I shouldn't apologise and that someone would be out to see me the following day.

. It is funny how we think we have screwed up when we do something right.

We are so used to doing things in an unhealthy way, or a way that meets others needs but not our own, that setting boundaries can feel "wrong"

This message has been repeating itself, over and over, in different situations for the last five weeks. I wonder when I will believe that is possible to speak without being in trouble, and that there is a way other than enduring and waiting for it to be over?

 

[Muted]

I wonder when I will believe that is possible to speak without being trouble, and that there is a way other than enduring and waiting for it to be over?

I can so relate.....If you figure this out, please let us know!!!!

Awesome of your husband to call and excellent response on their end.

How does that feel??? You quickly responded to a situation by honoring yourself and setting a boundary on something that didn't feel safe or comfortable for you.

I think this calls for a celebration:tup: