On Being Too Transparant: How do I be authentic.....and not so revealing (having to tell everything)...to prevent future abuse?

[Mach123]

I remember coming across this very early like 40 years ago.

I can't hide it because it comes out of my subconscious. Meaning regardless of how I act or think I'm acting, (closer to the truth,) I'm doing it anyway. I don't care much about hiding it anymore. I know I can't. I just can't be around people and mostly, I'm not.

So telling the truth when everything is by necessity a secret is moot IMHO and I care a lot more about protecting myself and if or not I say things that are in my own best interest, or don't say them, true or not. I'm saying this because I used "telling the truth" to wreck me, the way I did everything.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Ronin
@grit
I want to thank you for your feedback...it has been helpful. After everyone's weigh in and more thought given to this behavior.....here's where I am.

So, I know I overshare-and being caught up in narcissistic relationships this knowledge was always used to hurt me. More recently, in a relationship that I thought was safe and encouraged to tell things, the same thing happened again. While it is true, I can't change anyone else's bad behavior, I can change the things I do that make me vulnerable to assholes whose purpose in life is to intimidate or cause harm to others. I don't want to be the person with the invisible sign around my neck that only predators can read it (Vulnerable Idiot-Take Advantage of Her- and in small print the sign reads "She'll tell you everything you need to know-she's that stupid"

I think my oversharing it likely goes back to a need to be be different-when you become the black sheep in the family, and are a target for criticism, after trying so long and failing to be accepted and always striving to be good....so I'd be accepted....., I had to walk away.....I made sure I wouldn't repeat the things I hated-those crazy manipulative behaviors of my abusers So in trying to be (loyal-loyalty played a factor here), .... via always telling the truth = equates to integrity and moral goodness.....I can not be accused of lying, game playing, or manipulating if I'm always truthful.....it is ALWAYS being truthful part.....spill everything so I didn't lie by omission.....so people will see I'm really good. So, I'm trying to find a more comfortable way of being truthful without setting myself up for the information I tell to be used against me. I have no middle road on this issue. This needs to change.

So, being totally open isn't working.....how do you not feel like you are not being authentic (cause I have this total honesty behavior aligned with authenticity).....This is a very conflicted area for me.

I remember coming across this very early like 40 years ago.

I can't hide it because it comes out of my subconscious. Meaning regardless of how I act or think I'm acting, (closer to the truth,) I'm doing it anyway. I don't care much about hiding it anymore. I know I can't. I just can't be around people and mostly, I'm not.

So telling the truth when everything is by necessity a secret is moot IMHO and I care a lot more about protecting myself and if or not I say things that are in my own best interest, or don't say them, true or not. I'm saying this because I used "telling the truth" to wreck me, the way I did everything.

Actually, that kind of makes sense......thanks

 

[Ronin]

So, I'm trying to find a more comfortable way of being truthful without setting myself up for the information I tell to be used against me. I have no middle road on this issue.

Could you think of nuances?

Things like if you need to share the thing and right that moment, who else it implies and how much, if the person you are talking to is really entitled to that information vs you just feel owing them / it is an enforced social more, why you feel the need to share / if in doubt, share less?

Eventually, practice on not a big deal and close to heart topics. Just to realize how you deal with what style of conversing, where your strengths and weaknesses are... with something you can usually talk about, and doesn't mean harm at all. Then expand to areas that you feel the need to be careful with.

 

[joeylittle]

So, I'm trying to find a more comfortable way of being truthful without setting myself up for the information I tell to be used against me. I have no middle road on this issue. This needs to change.

I'm joining this thread late, and might have missed this...

I'm wondering whether setting boundaries for yourself around context would help? Almost like a set of rules for the who and when (in terms of how much of yourself you share).

 

[TruthSeeker]

@joeylittle Thanks for your feedback. I've been a planner and really rule-driven my whole life....until I went NC with family, got divorced, and left the dysfunctional family and their lifestyle behind. Once I had a home by myself, my insiders had a free-for-all, and it was party time.....buy this...buy that....and lots of unconventional thinking (like a hurricane is a time to have a party-more attention on making sure I have party stuff and fun things to do, and less attention to hurricane preparations). Life for a while was a daily party, and being alone.....has required fewer rules cause it is just me. But making rules for safety/disclosure makes common sense. How would one structure rules for when to self-disclose, and when not to? Any thoughts? I really want to get a handle on this.

 

[Mach123]

@joeylittle Thanks for your feedback. I've been a planner and really rule-driven my whole life....until I went NC with family, got divorced, and left the dysfunctional family and their lifestyle behind. Once I had a home by myself, my insiders had a free-for-all, and it was party time.....buy this...buy that....and lots of unconventional thinking (like a hurricane is a time to have a party-more attention on making sure I have party stuff and fun things to do, and less attention to hurricane preparations). Life for a while was a daily party, and being alone.....has required fewer rules cause it is just me. But making rules for safety/disclosure makes common sense. How would one structure rules for when to self-disclose, and when not to? Any thoughts? I really want to get a handle on this.

I did this when I got to radical acceptance. If there's nothing wrong then anything goes type thing? I told someone this weekend in fact and I wish I didn't. I always feel like that though. I did it for the wrong reasons as a reaction to something that was said to me. My perception of what was said. It was not neccessary. I allowed also the person to ask me a few questions and I was on thin ice really fast and quite uncomfortable.

So it's much easier though. Even not feeling good about it is nothing by comparison to how I was a few years ago. It does get easier.

 

[Sideways]

But making rules for safety/disclosure makes common sense. How would one structure rules for when to self-disclose, and when not to?

Boundaries is an area I’ve needed to do a lot of work. I’m at the other end of the spectrum to you - I don’t tell people anything, because they won’t like what they hear and can’t be trusted with the information. End result is pretty much the same though - major problems with interpersonal relationships.

Boundaries for me are kind of like a complicated onion, with layers. There are people who are close, have established I can trust them, and they get more information.

As you move further and further out, people who are less close, less trusted, less relevant to my life - they gradually get less and less information. Friends can know lots about me, but not everything. Till you’re right on the outside - the complete stranger in the street? They get little more than a polite exchange about the weather.

That’s not about being dishonest, it’s about healthy boundaries, that are the basis for healthy relationships.

Where you commented earlier about sharing your ‘deepest darkest secrets’? That’s for people right on the inside. People you know and trust. People who share equally with you, on a mutually respectful basis.

As you go through life, you’ll find certain people moving in and out of those layers. Some people become closer and more trusted, others become more distant and you both share less with each other. So it’s fluid. Fixed rules will be difficult to establish.

One exercise I’ve done with a few different Ts over the years is drawing a small circle - that’s me. Then a circle around that - all the people that are closest to me, and more trusted, go in there. They’re folks that treat me respectfully, show up when I need, rely on me the same as I rely on them, and share with me the same as I share with them. And I can think about “what sorts of things can I safely share with these people.”

After that? A wider circle around the last one. People in there are friends. I can share a lot with these people, but it’s probably not the kind of relationship where it’s appropriate to be going into my ‘deepest and darkest’ anything. And I can often judge that by how much they share with me in return.

You keep going, with more and more circles, placing people close to you, or further out. Those circles represent not just “how much do WE share”, but “how much do WE trust each other”, and “how much do WE resect each other”, and how much do WE rely on each other”.

Honesty is a great quality to have. But so is discretion. And healthy boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. For me, being clear on those who are on the inner circles, and those who are further out? Helps me not just with what I share, but also gives me an excellent insight into a tonne of other things about the relationship - like who I can go to for support (inner circles), or who I can go to when I just need to get some sort of social life or working life going (outer circles). Periodically revisiting my circles helps me see who I’m establishing better relationships with, and also who is letting me down.

Hope that’s helpful:)

 

[TruthSeeker]

Boundaries is an area I’ve needed to do a lot of work. I’m at the other end of the spectrum to you - I don’t tell people anything, because they won’t like what they hear and can’t be trusted with the information. End result is pretty much the same though - major problems with interpersonal relationships.

Boundaries for me are kind of like a complicated onion, with layers. There are people who are close, have established I can trust them, and they get more information.

As you move further and further out, people who are less close, less trusted, less relevant to my life - they gradually get less and less information. Friends can know lots about me, but not everything. Till you’re right on the outside - the complete stranger in the street? They get little more than a polite exchange about the weather.

That’s not about being dishonest, it’s about healthy boundaries, that are the basis for healthy relationships.

Where you commented earlier about sharing your ‘deepest darkest secrets’? That’s for people right on the inside. People you know and trust. People who share equally with you, on a mutually respectful basis.

As you go through life, you’ll find certain people moving in and out of those layers. Some people become closer and more trusted, others become more distant and you both share less with each other. So it’s fluid. Fixed rules will be difficult to establish.

One exercise I’ve done with a few different Ts over the years is drawing a small circle - that’s me. Then a circle around that - all the people that are closest to me, and more trusted, go in there. They’re folks that treat me respectfully, show up when I need, rely on me the same as I rely on them, and share with me the same as I share with them. And I can think about “what sorts of things can I safely share with these people.”

After that? A wider circle around the last one. People in there are friends. I can share a lot with these people, but it’s probably not the kind of relationship where it’s appropriate to be going into my ‘deepest and darkest’ anything. And I can often judge that by how much they share with me in return.

You keep going, with more and more circles, placing people close to you, or further out. Those circles represent not just “how much do WE share”, but “how much do WE trust each other”, and “how much do WE resect each other”, and how much do WE rely on each other”.

Honesty is a great quality to have. But so is discretion. And healthy boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. For me, being clear on those who are on the inner circles, and those who are further out? Helps me not just with what I share, but also gives me an excellent insight into a tonne of other things about the relationship - like who I can go to for support (inner circles), or who I can go to when I just need to get some sort of social life or working life going (outer circles). Periodically revisiting my circles helps me see who I’m establishing better relationships with, and also who is letting me down.
Hope that’s helpful:)

I'm very visual and this really helped me a lot! It's a great starting place, and a picture in my head to come back to when I'm spending time with different folks. I appreciate you taking your time to write such a thorough answer. I struggle with being comfortable in relationships.....even for some that I've had over 15 years.........but the onion.....a very nice analogy-and the WE share-WE trust-WE respect criteria helps clarify disclosure.....well put, ? Thanks.

I did this when I got to radical acceptance. If there's nothing wrong then anything goes type thing? I told someone this weekend in fact and I wish I didn't. I always feel like that though. I did it for the wrong reasons as a reaction to something that was said to me. My perception of what was said. It was not neccessary. I allowed also the person to ask me a few questions and I was on thin ice really fast and quite uncomfortable.

So it's much easier though. Even not feeling good about it is nothing by comparison to how I was a few years ago. It does get easier.

I'm hoping so......this is an area I really want to improve on. Boundaries in relationships.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe it would help to look at what drives the oversharing behavior and find another way to meet that need or desire that drives the behavior.

You say integrity drives the desire and impulse to share it all. How did integrity come to equate to everyone knowing everything? Integrity to me means someone who does the right thing when no one is looking. But for you, it seems like you feel a drive to make sure everyone knows you are what you say you are now. It seems like it’s perhaps a defensive act. You look for everyone else to validate you are a person of integrity by sharing to all with them. What do you do to validate that for yourself?

After trauma, people sometimes either become super secretive or they put it all out there. It’s just two of many maladaptive ways to try to find safety and control. Maybe if you build up other ways to find that, you won’t be as driven to overshare.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Maybe it would help to look at what drives the oversharing behavior and find another way to meet that need or desire that drives the behavior.

You say integrity drives the desire and impulse to share it all. How did integrity come to equate to everyone knowing everything? Integrity to me means someone who does the right thing when no one is looking. But for you, it seems like you feel a drive to make sure everyone knows you are what you say you are now. It seems like it’s perhaps a defensive act. You look for everyone else to validate you are a person of integrity by sharing to all with them. What do you do to validate that for yourself?

After trauma, people sometimes either become super secretive or they put it all out there. It’s just two of many maladaptive ways to try to find safety and control. Maybe if you build up other ways to find that, you won’t be as driven to overshare.

@Justmehere I think integrity is doing the right thing in a tough situation and being willing to endure social consequences for doing what is right when necessary (instead of doing what is popular or status quo/or what draws the least amount of attention), walking your talk, showing respect for others and being honest.

Yeah, my need to overshare is attached to my past I think....maybe trying to be sure I'm honest so I'll be believed. As I think about it, I came behind my brother and he screwed up so badly as a teen and was not honest-pissed off my parents and lost their trust.....and my parents generalized not trusting -to me. Regularly was the phrase, "I hope you're not going to screw up like your brother....." so I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to prove I wasn't deceptive like him. That's the first time I made that connection....;)....yeah, I don't have to prove I'm honest to anyone anymore...they are dead. I definitely am the put it all out there kinda gal-you see I'm so honest I'm almost naked-nothing to hide. This has not served me well....thank you for your response...very helpful!

 

[Mach123]

This is another giant one, "I have a moral obligation" ...

I recall having this discussion with my wife 30 years ago and I was in the habit of saying inappropriate things that were true.

What I finally figured out was repressing myself which is the opposite of what most people think you should do is usually the right thing for me. I feel lucky I have a few people I can confide in. Everyone else is on the periphery. I don't need to know about them, they don't need to know about me.

So they gradually taught me to be quiet. I still make mistakes. It's not as important. I have someone I'm intimate with, most of my energy goes into that.

If I had to do it again I wouldn't tell anyone except the medical people? Same with CSA. It is a good reason. It is why I'm like the way I am. I guess I use it so people will leave me alone or why I'm where I am in life?

I can't express the troubles I brought on myself talking? If I'm quiet I get fewer opportunities to be my own worst enemy.

 

[Justmehere]

I got into a habit (still do at times) of over-sharing or over-explaining myself after I wasn’t believed about trauma.

Yeah, my need to overshare is attached to my past I think....maybe trying to be sure I'm honest so I'll be believed

Ironic thing is that oversharing to be believed usually comes across like someone has something to hide. It’s the “she doth protest too much” effect.

Think about it like this:

If I had a partner who went and bought milk and eggs, I’d expect they would just buy milk and eggs and put them in the fridge. They might say, “Hey, I got the milk and eggs.” No biggie.

But if they came home and showed me receipts, detailed the roads the drove on, every person they spoke to on the way, what the cashier said... I’d wonder what’s going on that they are not stating that is driving the anxious oversharing. It’s far more defense and explanation of their tasks than to the situation warrants. It comes across as potentially hiding something.

An extreme example to prove the point:

Who would you trust more? The person appropriately dressed for a party, or the person who walks in completely naked? The person with the boundary of clothing actually tends to get trusted more.

Your parents wanted transparency but you don’t need to prove yourself to everyone anymore.

You’ll actually still be believable, maybe even more so, if you don’t share everything and you have some boundaries. I’d suggest experimenting with leaning into giving less information to others and see how that goes. When to share more info? It might be after you see that someone is ok with you having boundaries about sharing less information and that when you share a tiny bit of vulnerable information, they handle it well, and don’t hurt you with it.