On The Edge

[Ariane]

It's not that I want to die exactly. Just that I find it easier than living I suppose. I think about it a lot. More often than not, how I would do it. And then I wonder who would care, who would pretend they knew me, who would be disgusted or angered. I think about it more when I'm depressed than I do when I'm panicked. I know it's getting bad when I get really frustrated with my hair or start to give things away in mass amounts or start thinking about notes. That's when I try to reach out. Lately, however, reaching out seems...counterproductive? Asinine? Pointless and not at all what I want to do. I don't really know anymore.

 

[Fadeaway]

I have learned that reaching out is a matter of where you reach out too. You are here.which is the right place to reach out too.

I don't know if this would help you, but one thing that helps me is making it my life's mission to be the opposite of my mom. It sounds to me like you are already on that road. In your other thread you mentioned that you mom can't even acknowledge she needs help let alone ask. Yet here you are!

 

[Ariane]

@Fadeaway you're right, about trying to be opposite. I've struggled with addiction myself, a couple of different forms, and every time I look in the mirror I see her. I do my damnedest to be different but it doesn't really seem to help. I feel like nothing does, talking only rehashes the feelings.