One Day At A Time

[Deleted member 34328]

I know I've already posted some of this before. I want to post again mostly to try and pat myself on the back for getting through each day. I have workers coming in my home everyday with almost no end in sight. With help from the forum here, I was able to put together a plan, but nothing really prepared me for the real thing,

I'm afraid of strange men. My home and personal space feels violated and invaded. I feel as though I've lost my safe place. I took an instant dislike to two of the workers as they remind me of my abuser. The men couldn't be more respectful and efficient in their jobs, but anxiety takes over and it doesn't take much to have me literally running for a hiding place.

I'm trying so hard each day to acknowledge that these are not the same person who hurt me. They're workers doing their jobs. Nothing more. Doesn't seem like enough. I'm in a bad state at the moment. High anxiety, vomiting when I eat, fight/flight... sometimes flight wins out. Feel shame whenever that happens. I've had to walk into confrontational meetings. Deal with bullies who are purposely trying to run me down. Trying to use my anxiety against me. So far I'm holding my own. A miracle in itself.

I chose this place to post, because I need to know and feel the validation that I'm sticking at it and surviving each day. I'm starting into the 3rd week. So two weeks of torture, but I'm dealing with it. Doesn't feel like it's ever going to end, but it will and I will get through it.

Just felt the need to post.

 

[Enaila]

@stp2012 Hang in there. I would be freaking out too. I have panic attacks when family even visits and definitely do not like strangers coming any further than my porch area. You are doing a great job! Keep up the positive self talk and reaching out.

 

[Sherry]

I know I've already posted some of this before. I want to post again mostly to try and pat myself on t...

I will give you a pat on the back too stp2012. Well done to you, you're doing great. Not an easy thing to do, and yet you have done it. And even more importantly, you will continue to do so.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thank you so much @Enaila and @Sherry . I need to hear that. This is such an emotional experience. Exposure at its best I suppose. I guess I need validation more than anything. That and just reassurance that what I'm experiencing is my badly wired brain, but normal for a PTSD survivor. I guess this is when my stubborn streak comes in handy.

 

[Sherry]

Thank you so much @Enaila and @Sherry . I need to hear that....

Yes definitely stp2012, this is all very normal for a PTSD survivor. Hard to accept, but still normal. And yes it sounds as though it is very much an exposure therapy exercise. If it helps ... its meant to get easier. ;)

 

[Enaila]

I hate exposure therapy exercises! ((Hugs)) to you for being so strong through it.