One Thing That Seems To Bring Relief...

[.45 Princess]

During the 25 years of my life I have experienced many drastic and traumatic incidents.

These events have made many physical and psychological changes in me.

I have tried and managed through some of the worst/low points in my life trying my best to be in the present, counting my (few) gratitudes.
I realize things could be worse for me but I also know everyone has their limits and I believe I've reached mine.

I have dug myself in a hole in many aspects of my life. It appears I have pushed and lost the one person who is the love of my life. Though he has his own demons he still loved me despite my flaws and was truly amazing.

I actively seemed help in many ways to get better but have exhausted everything available to me.

No matter how positively I think I no longer have anything motivating me to try or continue this journey.

After feeling emotionally numb the past 2 weeks and then angry.
The past few days, the only thing that has brought me the sense of relief and happy tears is the thought of being finally being free and dying.

This is a change from my previous ideations and attempt. Although this new feeling scares me in a way, I'm no longer worried.

Please feel free to offer any insight or responses.

 

[Friday]

Everything is temporary. Right now you're f*cked up. On top of everything in PTSD land you just found the body of someone you love & you're grieving. And stressed the f*ck out. I hope to hell you aren't still staying in that house forcing yourself day and night past your limits. If not? Good. If so? There are easier ways out of the house than dying. All of this? As f*cking painful, infuriating, exhausting, everything as it seems? As if this is all there is and all there ever will be? It's a lie. It's just temporary. But you have to fight through it. What you've been doing? Ain't working. So fight in a different direction. Go to your doctor. Go to the Bahamas. I DGAF what direction you choose, but buy yourself some time. Because this thing? Doesn't last forever. Even if it feels like it right now.

There are better ways to be free. Willing to die? Then what have you got to lose? Die & you lose everything. So may as well go balls to walls and seriously change what you're doing. Better ways to be free.

 

[kona355]

Friday is right -

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Choose life and get help at becoming free of the pain and anguish. It is a deep wish and longing to escape the pain but you have to get help. Call a hotline

 

[Ronin]

Although this new feeling scares me in a way, I'm no longer worried.

That's f*ck more worrying though.

No matter how positively I think I no longer have anything motivating me to try or continue this journey.

You don't have to think positively or any of that nonsense. Stay around just to see the change. Be here for that change when it comes, and it will come.

I have tried and managed through some of the worst/low points in my life

Evidence to: You're just in a low point now. Don't make decisions you couldn't change in that point. Make some that allow for change.

I have dug myself in a hole in many aspects of my life.

Holes can be perfect places to camp & get back up from, they're a different perspective from the usual at least. What in your issues can you use now, to get somewhere else? (Not 'better', just somewhere else.)

After feeling emotionally numb the past 2 weeks and then angry.

Two weeks is a short time, comparatively. & anger can be a fuel. Can you use it differently?

happy tears is the thought of being finally being free and dying.

Death isn't freedom. You'd be dead and not free to do what you need to do to get into a point of life you'll be satisfied with. Don't cut those branches under you, climb the tree instead.

 

[.45 Princess]

Everything is temporary. Right now you're f*cked up. On top of everything in PTSD land you just foun...

Thank you, Friday.
You're right. Deep down I know this is temporary like past incidents. I know the details don't really matter at this point and the only thing that does matter is the fact that this has f*cked me up.

I have spent a couple of nights in a hotel and have been at a friend's for the last couple of days.
But because of the holidays it looks like I will have to return home.
I have just never had my own home be a trigger and hostile environment for me which is what makes this so difficult. The family member who made the attempt apologized and everything but I can't even bring myself to respond at all.
It doesn't help that I lashed out at my boyfriend from being stressed from everything. We were already on thin ice, easing back into things and it appears I may have possibly him now too.

 

[.45 Princess]

Choose life and get help at becoming free of the pain and anguish. It is a deep wish and longing to escape...

After really deciding to become better, I have been getting and seeking help and any type of treatment available to me.
To the point my psych doctor and T have been discussing with each other how much more compliant and active I have been about seeking treatment.
I have reached this point because I HAVE made all the necessary efforts.
Just an odd and liberating feeling to not be afraid of death but to feel relieved from it.

 

[.45 Princess]

That's f*ck more worrying though.



You don't have to think positively or any of that nonsense. Stay arou...

Thank you Cashew.
You have offered some very interesting insight and method of thinking.
I'm so used to the concept of changing negative thoughts with only positive thinking and attitude while always reciting the "if things aren't good just make it better.

I really do like your "somewhere else" idea better.

As for my emotions?
The fact that I can't find a healthier/less destructive way to release my sudden flashes of rage and constant negative perception is killing me inside.

Being a compassionate and caring person has always been my one quality I was proud of and embraced. It seems I have lost that now which probably tipped me over after the trauma, possibly losing the love of my life, and all the other things.
I cannot let myself continue living as an angry and bitter person. No matter what.

 

[Ronin]

The fact that I can't find a healthier/less destructive way to release my sudden flashes of rage and constant negative perception is killing me inside.

What about changing outlet for it? Not taking it out on you, finding some other way around it?

You are not less passionate & caring person because of how you cope with stress. The two aren't mutually contradictory. Angry and bitter is how stressed out you acts, but that doesn't make you who you are.

If you were that as a person, I bet my hat it wouldn't eat you up inside.

 

[.45 Princess]

What about changing outlet for it? Not taking it out on you, finding some other way around it?

You are no...

Yes. I've been trying every outlet that has always been effective whenever I've been overwhelmed, stressed, triggered, or feeling suicidal.
It appears none of them are not really helping and in a way making it worse because that itself is frustrating.

I hope you are right. You probably are. If I really have become an angry cold hearted asshole it wouldn't break my heart this much.

Though even noticing the thoughts that flood my mind have been so resentful along with hateful feelings I can not tolerate.

Being a loving, forgiving, empathetic person (sometimes to a point of being too nice) is one of the main things that keeps me balanced. I am now losing that.

 

[hodge]

Hang in there and do whatever you can to continue being that loving, empathetic person. It will sustain you. I know how hard thibgs get, but we have to hang in there. And, yes, go to your doctor or therapist, therapist preferably. You really need that right now.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I told myself at some point last year that despite knowing I had no hope and could not possibly have a future, I would at least try to stay alive long enough to see Star Wars. For real. I figured, I can off myself after that, but looks worth staying alive for. That's how much I just didn't want to carry on.

I just saw the movie (worth waiting on both counts), and even though not much has improved in my circumstances -- arguably things have gotten worse -- I no longer have any thoughts about ending it all. I'm not even angry anymore (at God or the universe or everyone who bailed, etc.), which truthfully I have no idea why not. I am still struggling and seeking the light, seeking new connections, but something has shifted so I'm not hopeless.

Things change in ways you can't imagine. Don't ever give up, and you'll see happier days.