Opiate Addiction

[BOAG]

Long, long before I knew anything about PTSD, I found that opiates cured what ailed me. I found that it shut up the voice in my head ("something very bad happened")... No! No! No! Don't ever think about that. EVER! Take more opiates... all better.

I was a very high functioning addict for decades. Not one person knew I was an addict. I am a professional in the medical field and have a very demanding job that I do very well. Don't mind me if I go shoot up a little Fentanyl before this next procedure. No one knew, and I was able to do my job, so what's the problem, right???

Except, sadly, opiates stopped working. Just ended up taking more and more with zero benefit. Then just needed to take more and more to keep from getting dopesick. To just be normal. For many, many years. Eventually that seemed pretty stupid to me. Why continue to take massive doses of opiates when they do nothing?? So I started to do this weird cycle of: 1) go to detox and rehab, 2) stay clean for a few months, 3) OD... ooops... 4) back to rehab. After awhile of doing that, decided maybe I needed some professional help and decided to go see a therapist. About my drug problem.

That's how I discovered that drugs were not my problem, but my solution for dealing with everything that happened in the past. And now that I'm clean (again) (and trying very, very hard to stay that way), it is sometimes hard not to fall back into the mindset of... why deal with all this shit? Why deal with CPTSD? Why dredge up all the f*cked up shit that happened?? Why not sail away on the good ship Opiate back to lala land? Just forget and move the f*ck on.

But apparently it doesn't work that way. Forgetting doesn't make me better. Or so I have been told repeatedly by my therapist. Apparently I need to process things that, up until now, I have refused to do. Or had a very hard time doing. Or both.

Anyway, addiction blows. But I miss it nonetheless. Anyone relate??

37 days clean today, but who's counting? ;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Anyway, addiction blows. But I miss it nonetheless. Anyone relate??

Clean addict, yes. Not to opiates. Im on opiates for pain but dislike them for getting high. Im a coke/crack addict, and huffing duster addict.

37 days clean today

Congats! Im 2 and a half years of duster and 10 years of coke & crack.

but who's counting?

You! It helps! Taking one day at a time then one week then one month etc!

 

[MissInvisible]

Wow, I totally relate. I've been addicted to opiates for 12 years. Six months ago I restarted therapy to deal with the shit that got me started on the pills to begin with. Popping a handful of pills and feeling that sweet relief was WAY preferable to feeling the devastation and shame of sexual abuse. I've been clean only a couple of weeks, but am trying really hard to make this conscious recovery rather than a temporary dry spell! My "high functioning addict" days are over and it takes an obscene amount to get any kind of feeling at all. Two weeks is long enough for the cravings to hit like a ton of bricks, though, so I know what you mean @BOAG. Hope you can hang in there!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've been clean only a couple of weeks

A couple of weeks is HUGE!! Especially the first one or two where you have the opiate withdrawl from hell! Congrats on that!!

When I was getting clean off huffing duster (don't ask) counting days were huge as more and more gave me the push I needed and then my therapist gave me wonderful coping skills I could use in real hard times.

You are doing great!

 

[MissInvisible]

Thanks, @lostforgottensoul. You made me smile!:)

 

[Fiadh]

I too had an opiate addiction. Pain relief prescribed by my doctor and I very quickly realised that it numbed my emotions, made it easy to get through everyday- the struggle was getting hold of enough pain relief that kept me from withdrawing and feeling. I stopped taking them, cold turkey 12 months ago and since then it's been a real struggle to get to grips with my emotions and not feeling the need to numb myself. I had the addiction for 8 years... it was 8 years of avoidance.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@BOAG you might have your doctor put you on Naltrexone, I am on it for a different reason, but is used to keep people like you drug free by blocking the effects of opiates.