Opinionated Family

[sydney550]

My parents are going to be coming to my appointment tomorrow with the trauma specialist I've been seeing so it should be interesting... I will update!

 

[Philippa]

Not that this is intended to make you feel better but this is the general consensus. Some parents will go to the end of the earth in denial. What is so difficult about considering a slight possibility that they are not perfect either.

Thankyou. I do understand they are not perfect, and no one is. My mother threw this at me the last time we interacted. I didn't realize she was interpreting my words as meaning that I expected her to be perfect. I don't think I do, but I do think that progress is something that isn't unrealistic, or too much to expect.

It takes strength to hold your ground! I am happy you have found it. No one will do it for us! Rarely do members of a family grow up under the same roof! Hugs Whitney

It's really not easy. Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel strong and other days, like yesterday and today, I feel like running back to them, apologizing just so things can go back to 'normal' because it hurts so much doing this. I can see why most people stay in the sickness and dysfunction. It's just easier and more comfortable...even if it is dysfunctional.

I chose this path, and I knew it wouldn't be an easy thing to do or to live with. The doubts some days are crippling.

 

[Philippa]

I came to the same point Phillipa. My family didn't want to deal with our past. There was no empathy or emotional support. So I haven't seen most of my family since the time around the Bali bombings and I haven't seen my other sister since about the time of the London bombings. I have gotten much better, in away, I never would have if I was still seeing them.

Oh you've made so much progress Ms Spock, in the time I've known you here. You're one of the people I look up to for being able to give yourself credit where it is due, and being gentle on yourself as consistently as possible. That is something I would very much love to learn how to do.

My family never wanted to remember what happened in our family and they always wanted to use me as the scapegoat and definitely were committed to pretending none of it ever happened.

I can understand why they wouldn't want to remember...they would be faced with how monstrous they have behaved. Who wants to see that about themselves? Still...people need to be held accountable for their bad behavior, and if they aren't willing to, then they don't deserve us or our company.

I'm proud of you Ms Spock. You've come so far.:)

 

[Whitneys story]

I didn't realize she was interpreting my words as meaning that I expected her to be perfect.

Philippa, I did not explain my statement correctly. This comment was directed at your mother, "What is so difficult about considering a slight possibility that they are not perfect either."

It is a shame that your mother can not learn from you. You are doing what is healthy for you and that is what is important. It takes time to separate from family, going back to them just validates there selfish behavior. Keep being strong. Hugs Whitney:D

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Whitney, that really picked me up and helped a lot right now. I've been feeling a bit down, and am menstruating at the moment too, but last night I meditated and felt like I have done the right thing, and it is teaching them stuff that I'm not aware of.

I appreciate you saying this, as I've been feeling lonely and needing family the last two days. I sometimes get the thought in my head to call my father, and I've had people external from me tell me I 'should' call him, in fact most people i know in my external reality away from the internet are for this option, but they don't really see the situation from my point of view...it's not just that my parents sometimes 'upset' me, it's damaging for me to be around them...for my mental health it is dangerous.

Everything my mother says to me seems like it's something she needs to turn around and say to herself. Telling me that I expect her to be perfect, when she has also been showing a lack of acceptance when I am anything but happy all the time. I don't expect perfection, just progress...that's what I told her last time.

 

[Whitneys story]

Everything my mother says to me seems like it's something she needs to turn around and say to herself.

Oh so true and likely will never happen from the sounds of it. It is her loss! We can hope something smacks them upside the head and wakes them up. You are doing a great job of controlling what is acceptable for you. Find your boundaries and don't let her cross them. In time you will find new positive people to associate with.

You deserve healing and happiness. It takes time so be patient with yourself! :hug: Whitney

 

[KatB]

I am speechless :-O I am in a way shocked and relieved and happy and surprised that a lot of us, if not, all of us feel the exact same way about our families/friends. Wow, o wow!

This is the story of my life. My mother, the other day when I went home to get a few things, she was like: what I have done to make you hate me? Don't you love me? Don't you know I love you and your siblings the same way? That left me with a big hole in my heart be ause how BLIND and IGNORANT and really, STUPID can you be about all that has happened? I can't remember the countless times I poured out my art about my pain and hurt, even in "civilized" ways, they just didn't know what to say or how to react? It brings up a lot of hurt and sadness that they never really acknowledged my heart. I agree with everybody here- I think its worse for them to be in denial than us.

To not be acknowledged or rightfully respected for what you have been through and still are, it hurts more than we can imagine. My sister is kind of the same way- she likes to give more advice and be helpful but her words don't bring much comfort as she brings everything back to being at church and the Christian duties. I believe in my Christian faith but our lives are two different things. Some ppl just don't want to understand or they simply don't know its effects. Many may notice and see, but only a few know and still comprehend me, even when I know they are caring and looking out for me.

 

[Tanishq]

I've had people external from me tell me I 'should' call him, in fact most people i know in my external reality away from the internet are for this option, but they don't really see the situation from my point of view

Who knows this is trap from your parents. Those who love each other, especially elder-younger. Sometimes Elders do call youngers, that means they have love for each other. Should not be like first you and then I will see. That makes them more egoist and no love. I have been through so many people like this and always ended up leaving them all. I feel I made right choice for myself.

 

[Tanishq]

she likes to give more advice and be helpful but her words don't bring much comfort

Dear KatB,
I understand where you come from. I am sorry you have to go through this. I know, it is their selfish intentions and their ego that they are the best all the time which makes us uncomfortable. Deep down we have love for them, if we tell them two words they may not believe because they don't believe in themselves.

You're right, most people deny understanding the whole situation. They deny to go for understanding. How blind is this. Without understanding, you can't do anything right. You don't much knowledge to understand somethings, sometimes you try to listen the things fully and feel it. You will be there soon with all understanding if you efforts are coming from unconditional love.

Your post reminds of me saying: Those who understand love, have greatest knowledge of the world.

I am also learning this thing from here, how to give comfort to my friends when they are in need. Here people do this.

 

[Philippa]

Who knows this is trap from your parents. Those who love each other, especially elder-younger. Sometimes Elders do call youngers, that means they have love for each other. Should not be like first you and then I will see. That makes them more egoist and no love. I have been through so many people like this and always ended up leaving them all. I feel I made right choice for myself.

I know what you are saying jaret, but I think in this case it is more that these people I know are coming from their own societal conditioning. They have never met my parents, so I doubt that it is that they are acting on their behalf, although I have had relatives come into my life, all of a sudden, who I think were acting on my parents promptings, and start preaching to me about how "family is everything", to which I say that I agree, and when I find my real family they will be everything to me, until then I remain an orphan.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's ok for them to have an opinion. It's NEVER ok for them to comment on, invalidate, or manipulate you without your consent or request.

I broke away from people like that when I was taught how to teach them they were crossing my boundary. If on the phone, at the first sign of that person 'shoulding' I'd interrupt that person with - "Whoops! Look at the time! Gotta run! Bye!" Then I'd hang up.

 

[saffy]

"Whoops! Look at the time! Gotta run! Bye!" Then I'd hang up.

Haha I do that all the time :)

That got me really thinking though about what effect that really has?

They still do not know that their actions are not acceptable. Some people like that are so self absorbed they do not even realise that you are brushing them off. I also noticed that sometimes my friend makes these excuses to me, the way I know is that she does it word to word to other people she decides are taking up too much of her time or are not really listening to her long winded stories about herself. :wtf:

At least when I do it to her is because I am just too tired of listening to her talking about herself constantly. She loves attention, ou might have gathered :)

I guess next time I should just ask if she just phoned to talk about herself telll how that makes me feel :banghead:

It's a funny thing human behaviour.

best wishes
Saffy :)