Opinionated Family

[Tanishq]

but I think in this case it is more that these people I know are coming from their own societal conditioning.

Projection of some issues and advices not knowing the case fully.

It sounds like you tend to get in those hurtful memories where people were tyring to force you to go back to your parents. But sometimes some people don't mean it. they express their belief "family is everything". I do believe to have family is the biggest thing to have.

This memories can be very hard to get rid of.

 

[saffy]

I do believe to have family is the biggest thing to have.

Hi Jaret,

That's interesting:bookworm: .

Is that cultural or choice?

Do you think that family has to be blood related?

What do you consider family?

I am only interested you do not have to answer. I just think people have very different opinions on this and it can be quite personal. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My family is very small. That is why I am taking steps to broaden my circle of acquaintes. I have my husband, my Sil and my daughter and my two grandchildren. I have a very small family.

 

[Philippa]

It's not so much hurtful jaret, as I know they aren't trying to hurt me or be imposing, they just can't help themselves from saying what they think is the right thing to do with their limited knowledge of the situation...it's more annoying and I get annoyed with myself for mentioning it in the first place, because I know everyone had to have their say and they usually don't consider the full story before they say it, or don't know the full story.

If I kept my mouth shut and didn't mention that I wasn't seeing my family anymore, then they wouldn't say anything about it.

And when they do say this, it plays into the part of me that doubts myself and thinks I am doing the wrong thing.

 

[ms spock]

If I kept my mouth shut and didn't mention that I wasn't seeing my family anymore, then they wouldn't say anything about it.

I read in the newspaper that there was a study that 1 in 8 people in Australia are estranged from a family member, so it is not as uncommon as some people like to think when they are romanticising families. I have met people who go on about how family are the best thing and you should always stick with them but have a family member that they haven't spoken to for 20 years! So there is a fantasy element to their own conversation.

Not having contact with my family was one of the best things that I have ever enforced. I went to a social situation where everyone in the room had an estranged family member but the consensus was that they believed that having family contact was the most paramount thing in the world. I challenged that because it was annoying to be around so much magical thinking. It was also annoying because 9/10 of the room were survivors of sexual abuse. They kept saying but...and I kept gently saying, except in this instance and in the end it was quietly concluded that, perhaps in some instances it was not best, but you chose your family anyway! So the goal posts shifted.

I would never go back to a social gathering of these people because there was quite a lot of disordered thinking and romanticisation around families, and it wasn't - this is what I needed to do, you, of course, much do what is best for you. It was more of banging on the drum - family is great and family is all. It doesn't match up with my experiences of family. They caused distress to someone who was honest about not being in contact with their family. I found that this was dishonest. I also felt it was part of a sense of denial - I won't own my grief about the loss of someone in my family - I will overcompensate by saying that families are the best thing in the world.

So sometimes the people who go on about being in contact with your family is the most important thing in the world are people, who being estranged from their family or family members, are seeking to sooth their own grief and pain. It is interesting how often I notice this - but I keep away from that now.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks so much for this post Ms Spock. It's amazing to learn about these stats. I had no idea it was just so common, but I guess people don't really go around advertising it either, so why would it be well known?

I know what you mean too. Whenever I have heard my brother chastise me, he would compare my issues with my parents with those of his friends, who were made to eat out of dog bowls or other heinous abuse like that, and he would look at me with this look of disgust as though I have no right or reason to be complaining...just because my reality has never been validated or my emotional realm, and because we grew up in a big house with all the luxuries that other people only envied, and had parents who stayed together until we were grown up.

I just find that way of thinking...as though abuse is on a hierarchy and anyone who hasn't been grotesquely and unimaginably abused doesn't count as real abuse, and should feel bad to even try and stand up and be counted as even in the same league.

I understand that there are definitely greater and lesser varying levels and degrees of abuse, but abuse is abuse...it hurts, it damages, it causes scars and when it is invalidated and not acknowledged it causes real pain to anyone experiencing it, so I don't see how people like that can justify their way of thinking?

I can't tell you how many times I've had men tell me that "you don't know what pain/grief is" with a look of disgust on their faces...as though they even know what I have been through in my reality, when they've never even asked me and I've certainly never entrusted them with that information. I find it really closed minded for one thing.

My brother has taken his mentality from the peers he has surrounded himself with for the last 20 years, who have all come from highly dysfunctional, and violent homes, and who all stick by their parents, and diss anyone who doesn't...and I find that just bewildering.

I guess stockholm syndrome comes to mind, but also that idea that they are somehow better people for sticking with their families despite being so badly mistreated, at least in the eyes of everyone else around them, and how would they be perceived if they did choose to abandon the ones who abandoned them years ago? It seems like fear is something that is underlying there, in various forms. It doesn't add up in my mind anyway.

Why would I want to subject myself to another 30 years of being totally negated and treated like I am unimportant just so everyone else around me can consider me to be acceptable and worthwhile as a person? Isn't it better to decide that I am acceptable to myself, and take care of myself in a real way, and not just by slapping some make up on my face, and slapping a smile on my face, grinning and baring it all all in the name of pleasing everyone else but ME?

This is my LIFE, and I only get one chance at it. I'm not here to please everyone else.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

I think it's very hard to for people to put aside their egos when they want to help. One thing though, I recognize that people want to help, and for me, I focus on that first before anything that comes out of their mouth.

 

[Tanishq]

And when they do say this, it plays into the part of me that
doubts myself and thinks I am doing the wrong thing.

Ah I can see why it makes you doubtful because deep down in your mind you know very well your family doesn't accept you and you think to get away from them.

But this people answers makes you think what if that is reflection of your some fearful thoughts that are still somewhere in your mind?

Sorry, if I am not understanding your properly.

I can't tell you how many times I've had men tell me that "you don't know what pain/grief is" with a look of disgust on their faces

I avoid this kind of people. they are never in touch with reality. They always leave in some judging world. People who say I have all answers. I tell you, turn back and run as fast as possible. You will be wasting your time behind them. If one gets the answers or reaches good understanding their next step will be to apply that understanding in their own life.

My aunt always and parents always behave like this, they have answer. They have seen the difficulty I never seen nor anyone saw. Wow! There is no person who is clean as white who never faced any difficulty in their life.

 

[Tanishq]

One thing though, I recognize that people want to help, and for me, I focus on that first before anything that comes out of their mouth.

Sorry Marine, I couldn't understand this part properly. You first focus on that they really want to help you or not, right? Did I take this correctly?

 

[Tanishq]

I would never go back to a social gathering of these people because there was quite a lot of disordered thinking and romanticisation around families, and it wasn't - this is what I needed to do, you, of course, much do what is best for you.

Ms Spock, I did fantasized that family is great thing. That kept me entrapped in emotional abuse I was receiving from my parents. Fantasy word itself says far from reality.

You have shared some interesting insights and awareness there. Thank you. :)

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

Sorry Marine, I couldn't understand this part properly. You first focus on that they really want to help you or not, right? Did I take this correctly?

Jaret, let me be grammatically correct (smiles), I focus on that fact that they want to help, and their willingness to help is more important than the delivery of it.

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Saffy,

I like your questions very much. I would like to answer and here they are:

Is that cultural or choice?

It's mine choice.

Do you think that family has to be blood related?

I don't think so. Blood related relationships have the same importance as soul level relatives. Though I will give high priority to my wife and our kids first.

What do you consider family?

Family is that thing where people are connected with each other. Respecting each others position with mutual understanding and respective love.

I would like to hear your answers,too.

It is not much personal to me. In fact, I wonder how it sounds and feels having family with oneself.

Thank you. I appreciate your questions.
Jaret