Other Options To Cutting People Out Of My Life. Any More Suggestions?

[ms spock]

Instead of cutting people off there are other options.

I can take a break and get some distance.

Can I not totally cut off but see that the other person is flawed and I am flawed and lower my expectations of the person but enjoy the good stuff of that person?

If I am able to see someone is projecting their stuff on to me I can manage that by perhaps taking a step back from the person before s/he gets to this point of overwhelm?

If I didn't have PTSD their hissy fit/conflict might not effect me the way it is, though this person might be being unreasonable towards me

Can I take the good and not take on the bad?

Being friends with someone with PTSD is not easy so maybe the person was overwhelmed by my feelings and was unable to manage these adequately. Maybe s/he just didn't feel heard by me. Maybe s/he was distressed by what I are going through and overreacted? Maybe that person is off their trolley today and not doing so well themselves?

Maybe I am dissociating and being nasty or maybe I am in the wrong and need to apologise so I need to take time to review this before making hasty decisions.

Friends are not therapists. Friends are people to do stuff with. Some friends are closer than others. I need to allow all types of friends in my life and be open to this.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Not sure if this relates to you but I always try to fix everything - like I can only maintain the friendship if I can find the perfect solution. Not there yet, but I'm trying to remind myself to listen instead of react and not to internalize their problems.

 

[mamachick]

Dear Ms Spock,
I do think that we have to look into ourselves and know our own role in conflict. I have learned that I dont want all kinds of people in my life. Most of my family has been the issue that is intolerable. I have 3 older half sisters and they have treated me very poorly over decades, they are much older and it began at a young age. One neice and I became close but she has an alcohol and drug problem and seeks abusive men. I understand and have been very compassionate, but frankly, it came to a point where her addictions were pissing on my life. Then came the day when she threatened to hit me and came toward me and others got in her way.

My point is that some behavior is just not tolerable. Yes we do need to accept others with their imperfections. I have overlooked too much in my life because of where I came from. The best scenario in my family of origin is a lot of drama. They truley are a bunch of witches. So I guess we have to find that balance. I dont want to babysit a grown drunk and dont want constant drama and conflict.

I am not perfect and have no perfect friends. There are nice people out there though. I think we can have limited kinds of contact with certain people and find variety without compromising our own health and wellness. Other times, just best to let go.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Ms Spock,

I am guessing that something has happened with one of your friends? Only if you want to of course but would you maybe share what happened?

There are things I have done to be able to tolerate still having contact with certain people instead of cutting them off. There are also people I have cut off as it was the healthy choice. I too had a habit of blaming myself and excusing their reactions - seeing always how I could make it better or different. I am now better at looking at the reality and seeing how healthy they are for me and how important it is to remain in contact regardless of if it is partly my sensitivities that are being hit on. I have to protect my sensitivities.

I suspect there is a middle ground. I can't imagine you as being a person who routinely blames others for all and at a wild guess would imagine you as tending to do the opposite. ?

 

[Philippa]

Wow, that was so well worded. I loved reading your post Ms Spock. :)

I feel like I'm at the same place as you Abstract, in this way. I tend to look at how healthy the relationship is, and whether I have the personal strength to manage it, as well as my own stuff, and make a decision. Sometimes people just take the wind out of you, and it can feel better if they just aren't a part of it, but obviously it's not a decision taken lightly. I do believe a certain amount of ruthlessness needs to be there, especially if I don't feel like I can separate myself from the person or pry apart the thick cloud of junk from my mind that they throw at you sometimes. If my armor isn't feeling totally strong then those suggestion will slip in and I will start on some spiral of thinking that just ends me in doubt land.

Trying to take an overview of the situation and be honest about what everyone's part to play was is important, and I like to think I've dissolved my distortions at least enough to be able to see where I f*cked up and the other person f*cked up. It's trying to address conflict without things turning ugly that is the challenge. People are a minefield of triggers and buttons which can go off at any moment. Our defense systems are so sophisticated sometimes.

 

[ms spock]

I have been reviewing my friendships over my life and seeing where I have made some mistakes.

 

[Abstract]

Ah, sorry Miss Spock. I think I slightly misunderstood.

It seems maybe you had a habit of cutting people out when you have now thought there are other ways of keeping it healthy. ?

I relate to a lot of the points you listed.

One of the most helpful was to truly, deeply accept who the person was and their good and bad points and protect myself accordingly. A lot of the problems arose from me repeatedly leaving myself vulnerable and without proper boundaries because I saw myself as being wrong, over-sensitive or needing to earn their approval. In a sense I was in denial of their bad points ( or the ones bad for me) and therefore did not learn and protect myself.

I now try to evaluate the reality and my reality and then put appropriate boundaries in place. Sometimes that is hard and feels like a huge loss.

By biggest disadvantage being a friend with PTSD is isolation and it is huge. I am very unreliable and not a good friend in that way. I try hard to change and apologise and remind them constantly it isn't them and is me. Its bad though.

For me personally I have a habit of staying in relationships that are damaging for me (regardless of if PTSD makes me over sensitive or not) and by addressing this my life has improved immeasurably. I try to keep damaging people away from me. I don't at all need perfection and am very understanding and should be but some particular things are not helpful for me personally.

Good luck with you realisations and journey Miss Spock!

 

[mamachick]

I am reviewing ALL relationships these days. I am finding that the closer the person and the higher the expectation-sometimes the bigger the hurt. However, I have a close relationship that goes for the juggler. I really dont know how I can trust her in the future. I have been digesting what she did when angry with me and it is so over the top. This behavior occurs at least once per year or more. It is very cut throat and unacceptable. I cant end the relationship, but I can maintain serious boundaries. I feel very sad about this though.

 

[Abstract]

I feel very sad about this though.

It can feel so very sad Brat. Like a death in a way I have found. Letting go of who they are not or accepting what I can't take.

The worst was with my sister who I am love more than anyone else but who can be extremely difficult and in a similar way to my father so it goes deep. I am no longer repeatedly devastated and triggered by her though. It used to sometimes take me around a month to recover.

 

[Mayday]

biggest disadvantage being a friend with PTSD is isolation and it is huge. I am very unreliable and not a good friend in that way

This is totally what I do too, Abstract. I have no close friendships now, because I have done this all my life. I do have some friends, but it is mostly superficial.

I admire what you are doing Ms Spock, by reviewing your past friendships. I get so down on myself if I try to think about that so mostly I just avoid thinking about friendships at all.

 

[Abstract]

This is totally what I do too, Abstract.

It's so horrible isn't it Mayday? I truly hate it. I have been in a particular slump these last 6 months.

 

[Mayday]

It is horrible. Even online, I avoid making connections or friendships...much too scary. It was a lot easier before when I truly thought I didn't care. Sorry you are in the same place too.