Other Options To Cutting People Out Of My Life. Any More Suggestions?

[Abstract]

I totally understand the online thing. There is hope. I would not have been able to repeatedly have contact with one person online a year or so ago. I have been working on it and it is improving. All in all the isolation issue is still very bad though. Its horrible. For everyone. Both isolator and anyone caught up in the wake.

 

[Mayday]

All in all it is still horrible though

it totally is, isn't it? I have, against all odds, managed to find a therapist who is actually helping, and I am making some progress. Sometimes it's just so depressing though, almost like I didn't realise how messed up I was, or I was so detached from having natural, human needs like friendship or company, that I didn't actually feel anything when I was not getting those needs met. The therapy is helping but also making me feel, and actually feeling things is the hardest bit I'm finding.

 

[Abstract]

I understand the pain of the defrosting process. Its a bit like when ones foot is asleep and then starts coming back to life. I remind myself it is a good sign. Radical Acceptance is helpful. I want to be able to have proper relationships one day. Its wonderful T is working for you and you are making it work.

 

[mamachick]

I have cut all ties with my sisters because of being their scapegoat. I had contact with only one neice who was going through abusive relationship and walked with her. Afterwards, she just kept showing up drunk and making messes for me so I stopped that. I have very few friends and very hesitant to let new people in my life right now. I isolate to but I am happier than tolerating bad behavior. So I am really trying to reduce contact with those who intentionally trigger out of spite. (its complicated)

 

[Philippa]

I think finding alternative solutions to handling relationships without jumping to cutting them out of your life on impulse, is a great idea, and I'm certainly interested in learning how I can manage difficult people in relationships without having to take drastic measures.

I also need to honor where I am at, and that if I am not strong enough to be able to handle these people in a way that is effective and preserving the friendship, then it is ok for me to "take the easy way out". I'm still recovering, and sometimes I am not strong enough to deal with their crap. If I am not strong enough then it will only be detrimental to me to be in their company.

Until I feel stronger and more capable of handling these types of people, I give myself permission to feel ok about cutting them out. I can only manage what I can handle. I'm not going to put pressure on myself to be able to cope when I just cannot.

 

[mamachick]

Yeah Phillapa...love your post. I am where you are on this. I am giving myself permission.

 

[ms spock]

Ah, sorry Miss Spock. I think I slightly misunderstood.

It seems maybe you had a habit of cutting people out when you have now thought there are other ways of keeping it healthy. ?

Yes and no. I have let some good people go and persevered with some toxic people far too long.

One of the most helpful was to truly, deeply accept who the person was and their good and bad points and protect myself accordingly. A lot of the problems arose from me repeatedly leaving myself vulnerable and without proper boundaries because I saw myself as being wrong, over-sensitive or needing to earn their approval. In a sense I was in denial of their bad points ( or the ones bad for me) and therefore did not learn and protect myself.

I, too, have made this mistake.

I now try to evaluate the reality and my reality and then put appropriate boundaries in place. Sometimes that is hard and feels like a huge loss.

Yes

By biggest disadvantage being a friend with PTSD is isolation and it is huge. I am very unreliable and not a good friend in that way. I try hard to change and apologise and remind them constantly it isn't them and is me. Its bad though.

That does make it difficult.

For me personally I have a habit of staying in relationships that are damaging for me (regardless of if PTSD makes me over sensitive or not) and by addressing this my life has improved immeasurably. I try to keep damaging people away from me. I don't at all need perfection and am very understanding and should be but some particular things are not helpful for me personally.

That is good awareness.

Good luck with you realisations and journey Miss Spock!

Thank you.

 

[ms spock]

I suspect there is a middle ground. I can't imagine you as being a person who routinely blames others for all and at a wild guess would imagine you as tending to do the opposite. ?

Yes I tend to blame myself but then I go to the other extreme at other times and lash out. A couple of times I have lost my place for standing up for abused children.

If I had better boundaries and had not been rescuing then maybe I could have managed better I don't know.

I have been reading some of my diaries from along time ago and am dismayed to see some similar struggles.

 

[mamachick]

Evidently the person I was speaking of above has been trolling this site and has read my post. She has found this site in my history and has confronted me about things that I say. UMM no such thing as privacy. She is my 25 yr old daughter. Big boundary issues.

 

[cherryblossom]

@brat17 , guests can only read 5 threads, before they have to join as a member if they want to continue reading. I don't know if that puts your mind at rest with regard to someone trolling the site to read your threads?

Guests now have a viewing restriction of 5 threads upon them, making them register to continue reading.

 

[mamachick]

Cherryblossom-thanks. She may have joined as new member I suppose. She definately quoted several things that I said. She has more curiosity than common sense. Its really ok though. She has been in my email and I had to call bank to reset password. This is unusual but she lived in my house and knew my email password.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Ms Spock,

Don't feel obliged to answer and only say what you want to.

I too do rescuing behaviour although I am much improved these days and I understand how it complicates things.

If I am understanding correctly then in friendships you have a tendency to blame all on yourself but then it can get to a certain point when someone pushes certain buttons or you are overwhelmed where you explode and at that point there is no self awareness anymore. ? Is that right?

If I am understanding you have a friend and were in rescuing mode over abused children and she was not being very helpful in her responses. You then lost it with her and went into attack and also became very upset by it all. ?