Childhood Other people, society's reaction to childhood trauma survivors...

[Digz]

So, I'm just wondering about your experiences with society's reaction when you share you're a victim of childhood trauma...?

I find it interesting because although we are developing an awareness of 'trauma', there seems to be this unwritten rule that if you're a victim you're not supposed to publicly talk about it. I don't necessarily think it's a mean thing, perhaps a combination of discomfort and an ingrained way of being - that it is easier, more comfortable to not have a face to put beside the term 'trauma' because if it's more abstract it's less confronting.

 

[Teasel]

Mostly bad, the exceptions being others I've met from a forum similar to this, forums like this, and therapists.

 

[Digz]

That's sad @berlinda . It's something society needs to get better at. My experiences aren't all bad but always very awkward and most people look like they want to run away and you're left with a kind of continually enforced notion that you are not supposed to disrupt the status quo.

 

[Mee]

I think mostly good if it’s directly discussed. I only started discussing it after ptsd. Only my husband and the ptsd prompt person knew before.

I think the more troublesome issue is how the results of childhood or relationship trauma are treated. There are a number of phrases which stand out to me ( and I hope a Male contributer here will be able to put forward ones for men so I am not going there but my ‘hot button phrases include ‘Daddy issues’. ‘Don’t stick your dick in crazy’. Oh, I have a lot but my mind is blank. These boil down usually to being trauma reaction or attachment issues; which are penalised, stereotyped and misogynistic and victim blaming. Oh, also the idea we take out our abuse on our kind Male partners. Hating men. Henpeck img, nagging etc. If emotional labour were shared then nagging wouldn’t happen. It wouldn’t get a chance to start. All of these are symptoms of victim blaming.

My final point is tricky. The idea that we are totally separate from our minor selves. That turning the age of majority gives us fewer ‘excuses’ for our abuse/ rape. My ptsd incident felt emotionally very similar to my child abuse and was impacted By those events impact on who I became. seasoned abusers look for such vulnerabilities in adults; whether they know about abuse or not. They look for vulnerabilities. Our childhood impacts us as adults and to suggest we become adults and the playing field is level with out interventions, support, justice is frankly a load of tripe. This is the undertone to all that wonderful support and kindness I have had when discussing it. Mostly people want to be kind but pretend it doesn’t happen in the numbers it does. By people they know.

 

[HannaD]

Some others I told had compassion and it caused them to be sad. I don't like the pain my burdens can bring others and therefore am reluctant to share this about myself.
Now sharing this information is not only burdensome but, it's irrelevant to my goals. I've considered opening up to let more people know but, to what end? What good would it do at family gatherings? It just seems easier to smile and try to be present with my loved ones.
I shared with a friend once, who has their own problems. I was reluctant and should have trusted my gut not to open up. They apologized for being pushy and drunk later. I haven't heard from them since. I feel like a fool. As if I could have kept that friendship intact by not opening up.
My therapist reacted with compassion and interest. Doctors approached me methodically and ruled out other conditions that might cause my symptoms.
Me not wanting to talk about it really has to do with my intentions because it affects many parts of my life. I can speak clearly through my tears and feel the pain fully or I can focus on my current goal.
How someone reacts can be an indicator to how close they feel to you. My family comforted me and offered condolences. Whereas my friend coerced and then left after feeling awkward. Even though I had made peace with telling them.

 

[user27357]

not good. some people disappeared from my life, some people refused to acknowledge that anything that happened so long ago could affect anything that happens today, some just grab a part of it (religion) and work their angles from there. I have been told that just because a dr. says it it isn't necessarily true and even that "everyone has something these days".

Anymore, no one hears anything about anything and that sucks just as bad because I can't truly be open or trusting of anyone. I guess it is better to have lots of acquaintances than to have a very few true friends and just as many ex-acquaintances because of the stigma.

Stigma? Yes, if you are an abused male child you are probably gay or anti social or worse or all of the above in most peoples minds.
It reminds me of finding out and sharing that I had hepatitis C back in the mid 90's. everyone figured I had anal sex or a dirty needle in my past. Sure, some people figured I had probably contracted it as a first responder/firefighter or by getting a blood transfusion prior to '83, but if I had it to do over I would have told no one except my wife and some members of my family. By the way, I did the cocktail, missed a lot of work, got myself to an "undetectable" diagnosis and still had people that figured I had been to rehab or something due to my dirty needle diagnosis. Some people make better enemies than they will ever be as friends. F them.

What else would you expect? People love to think they know all they need to know. Judgementalism just runs in our species, flourishes with our inherent desire to be a part of a tribe. When that tribe is a religion, a cool table, the smart ones, the locals, it gets ugly fast and you can earn a lot of enemies just by being a victim. I am just as judgemental as the next guy, but I do my judging based on what I see here and now and not what I was told to think about something that happened to someone long ago.

I keep it to myself now.

 

[Mee]

‘Everyone has something these days’ is such a weird response to pain and diagnoses. Yes; no one is perfect, we are getting better at understanding the ways in which we are either imperfect or have been damaged and that’s GOOD. I really don’t understand gatekeeping of pain and/or kindness. A diagnosis is a way to understand needs. To keep researching how to meet those needs.

Everyone does have something. It’s why shaming people is so pointless as well as destructive.

 

[Digz]

For me, I think the awkwardness and attitude of others definitely makes me stay quieter about my childhood. It's not as if I want to constantly talk about it but talk of childhoods just naturally comes up in groups of people and I sit there silently and awkwardly because I know society doesn't really want me to offer anything.
My favourite response I've had was from someone who was my best friend growing up was to tell me that her dad didn't believe in that sort of stuff (as in, my diagnosis and trauma) and then she proceeded to ask me a whole heap of information-finding questions that were phrased in a way suggesting I made it up. You'd be surprised to find out we're not so close anymore! lol
I don't know, there seems this unspoken thing to keep quiet but then sometimes I think, how will anything change if I keep quiet? I certainly have nothing to be ashamed of, none of us do. Anyway, that's just my ruminating. :)

 

[Whirlwind]

society's reaction when you share you're a victim of childhood trauma...?

Responses have been varied but not good from my perspective.

I feel a stigma may? have been attached to me by sharing my early trauma but I am sure it was attached to me for my abusive marriage.

I was married less than a year when I got worried (about him) and had just relocated and I reached out to a couple of friends and shared my concerns and they blew me off/didn't respond well.

Later when the abuse intensified they didn't seem to want to hear it or in one case said I may be "seeing things" due to my childhood experience(s). Ouch. That took me by surprise. Funny, I had not "seen things" like this while with my former LT boyfriend.......

He was "so successful and a great guy, give him some time!" "maybe he is stressed!" "a marriage takes time" "you are so strong and a quality person (he sees that)" "no marriage is perfect" "but he didn't hit you, it was just a push" "some people are moodier, it is normal" "you'll land on your feet".

I have always been dependable and the one my friends leaned on me if anything. I was pretty scared at that time, I suppose I scared them? I don't know. I remember hanging up with my friend of 20yrs. I got some private time and I remember calling her and hands were shaking uncontrollably. One of those weird memories that sticks clear as day, it was like my hands weren't my own. I really thought (hoped) she would tell me to get on a plane and offer me her couch. She lived alone and we had been college roommates.

I never had a falling out or argument with my former friends. It was not their responsibility to save me and I do wonder if I scared them. I was the strong one, something like this just could not happen to me. (ahh famous last words;) They just stopped returning my calls, emails slowly but surely. I had moved to another state etc.

My belabored point is unless someone has been through something similarly tragic...it seems to me that people cannot relate and would rather not deal with it. They push it out of their universe. It is just more comfortable.

Perhaps I am missing my own smoking gun or I chose my friends badly. Maybe I should have been more forceful in that I needed help? I really don't know.

Sorry for the sad sack story line but on the upside I am jerk-free today ;)

Whirlwind

 

[Mee]

@Whirlwind... that’s really very interesting and both counters and lends strength to the situation I suggested of childhood abuse impacting adult hood. Sometimes it’s NOT our imagination. ( once abused or raped statistically we are more likely to be ... that’s women, not sure about men?, but cannot see it would be that different?)

 

[Whirlwind]

That is something I have discussed with my therapists a few rounds.

I fought the belief that my childhood caused the predicament. I (still) dislike the idea that despite my seeming success in life I was unconsciously led full circle.

Looking back it is always easy to see red flags but from that vantage point? Not so easy. I happen to have a couple of deaths in my life which were a distraction at the time, it was just chance sad timing.

One of my therapists said to me that if a socio's targets someone they can charm anyone.....as in I wasn't predetermined for abuse.

On one hand I like her comment as it wasn't my childhood casting my future but then her version means I just won the abuser bad luck lottery. I can't win again can I??

(LOL bad joke as I do not plan to buy another "lottery ticket")

childhood abuse impacting adult hood. Sometimes it’s NOT our imagination

No doubt childhood abuse incurs disadvantages to adulthood. On a practical note I was orphaned so I had no "backup" family to go to. People often say they have no family. I never knew an uncle, grandparent, cousin etc. They never existed for me which is weird unusual of course. I also thought my friends were my family but I was naive.

The one thing that I would say directly correlates to childhood experience would be the PTSD flaring up.

Early on in my marriage I still had my wits about me. I tried to return to my city/job but it didn't happen quickly enough. When the abuse really got going so did my PTSD and I just fell down the rabbit hole. It buried me and I couldn't find my way out for a long time.

But better late than never. Considering the level of suckage I have endured I feel I am rebounding better than (I) expected.

Take care,

Whirlwind

 

[Mee]

That is something I have discussed with my therapists a few rounds.

I fought the belief that my childhood caused the predicament. I (still) dislike the idea that despite my seeming success in life I was unconsciously led full circle.

Looking back it is always easy to see red flags but from that vantage point? Not so easy. I happen to have a couple of deaths in my life which were a distraction at the time, it was just chance sad timing.

One of my therapists said to me that if a socio's targets someone they can charm anyone.....as in I wasn't predetermined for abuse.

On one hand I like her comment as it wasn't my childhood casting my future but then her version means I just won the abuser bad luck lottery. I can't win again can I??

(LOL bad joke as I do not plan to buy another "lottery ticket")



No doubt childhood abuse incurs disadvantages to adulthood. On a practical note I was orphaned so I had no "backup" family to go to. People often say they have no family. I never knew an uncle, grandparent, cousin etc. They never existed for me which is weird unusual of course. I also thought my friends were my family but I was naive.

The one thing that I would say directly correlates to childhood experience would be the PTSD flaring up.

Early on in my marriage I still had my wits about me. I tried to return to my city/job but it didn't happen quickly enough. When the abuse really got going so did my PTSD and I just fell down the rabbit hole. It buried me and I couldn't find my way out for a long time.

But better late than never. Considering the level of suckage I have endured I feel I am rebounding better than (I) expected.

Take care,

Whirlwind

Thank you for sharing. Your perspective is truly something unique. You take care too.