Childhood Other people, society's reaction to childhood trauma survivors...

[ladee]

My brain is foggy so I hope this makes sense. I have only recently been telling anyone. I could usually 'get by' with talking about depression and anxiety. People, sometimes are more open to understanding and support to those things. Not always. There is always that one person who quotes positive things she saw on FB. And the simple answers others had, like just do one thing a day.

I became very selective about who I shared with. I had to have seen a lot of compassion from this person on everyday issues. See how they handled other losses and pain and confusion. If they could do that, I might open that dialogue. If not, oh well. I was used to gutting it out by myself.

A cousin has reached out to me in the past year that I have not seen or talked to in 20 years or longer. She was involved with my family a lot growing up. BUT, she only heard one side of the story. I never shared with her when I was younger.

When her statement of 'oh it wasn't THAT bad' was uttered, I simply said we can agree to disagree and dropped it. She was insightful enough to say that there was a lot she didn't know. But, that was my cue to not get into anything detailed with her. I have been dismissed for most of my life. So will not set myself up to be minimized again.

My nephew, that I am very close to, will see me anxious or depressed and starts the 'religious lectures'. I tune out. After one of his lectures, I just looked at him for a long time. And finally said, 'what an awesome gift it would be, for just one family member to accept me the way I am and allow me room to grow'. At least he stopped lecturing.

It's been my experience that many people have, of course, their own wounds. And if we get too personal or detailed, they get very uncomfortable. They have led an unexamined life, which we with PTSD do not have the luxury of. And I do not have the right to knock those scabs off their wounds.

I ended a 35+ year friendship because of her not being able to look at herself, and replaying too many roles and shoving things on me that were not mine. I don't have to do that anymore. I just don't. She is very wounded. But again, not my place or right to make her look at her life. But on the same hand, she can't shame me for looking at mine.

Society does not want to know these 'bad things'. It just gets too real and too scary for them. And it limits who we can talk with. But, that's also why I come here. Regardless of what is going on.. someone here understands. That's all I need to not feel alone. And even if I have those times of feeling alone, I know what to do to make change happen.

 

[Whirlwind]

It's been my experience that many people have, of course, their own wounds. And if we get too personal or detailed, they get very uncomfortable. They have led an unexamined life, which we with PTSD do not have the luxury of. And I do not have the right to knock those scabs off their wounds.

I really like how you put this.

 

[Rani G2]

there seems to be this unwritten rule that if you're a victim you're not supposed to publicly talk about it. I don't necessarily think it's a mean thing, perhaps a combination of discomfort and an ingrained way of being -

It is @Digz... the moment you tell there is also an aspect of being confronted with your own helplessness, humans are well trained when it comes to denial and suppression. Here comes someone who provokes my own fears, and what Do I do? Well... I deny or downplay... (Not everyone...I‘m exaggerating here).
I never, very very hardly talk about my past... there is a line that I cross which many won’t be able to digest. They don’t have to, but I am not willing to make anyone‘s reaction diminish that value. What I mean by value is, that there is a sector I am protecting, because this time I have that power I didn’t have as a child.

 

[Slavmenade]

So, I'm just wondering about your experiences with society's reaction when you share you're a victim of childhood trauma...?

I find it interesting because although we are developing an awareness of 'trauma', there seems to be this unwritten rule that if you're a victim you're not supposed to publicly talk about it. I don't necessarily think it's a mean thing, perhaps a combination of discomfort and an ingrained way of being - that it is easier, more comfortable to not have a face to put beside the term 'trauma' because if it's more abstract it's less confronting.

Hi, from personal experience me and ny siblings are from Russia and in certain ways we were abused by our parents (my dad more so did the most terrible things that we don't mention him in front of one of my sisters because she will panic) and my mom drank when she had me resulting in a difficult early life


I was adopted, and the whole reason that I was miserable was because the new parents expected us to behave like nothing happened and didn't try to empathize what our world looked like

Contrast to what you think, saying nothing is far worse

 

[DharmaGirl]

Wow, this is a wonderfully insightful thread! I've quoted a million things so forgive me, I just resonate with them so much.

That turning the age of majority gives us fewer ‘excuses’ for our abuse/ rape.

Do you mean that others think that? I know you've read the ACE study so it is a fact that trauma leads to more trauma, physical illness etc. I find that it is easier to be retraumatized, since I was groomed early on to allow sexual abuse. I used to just freeze when I was an adult faced with any kind of abuse.

Now sharing this information is not only burdensome but, it's irrelevant to my goals.

Wow! This is really a good point. I believe one has to work on this in therapy, but as you say, what help does it bring to share it with family members? My mother was curious, but I knew she couldn't deal with the level of abuse I suffered, so I told her a tiny piece, and she was so upset I never told her any more.

some people refused to acknowledge that anything that happened so long ago could affect anything that happens today,

That is so huge. It physically changes your brain! I keep repeating this to anyone who makes a comment that I'm not strong (I am stronger than they will ever be) since I have PTSD.

I am just as judgemental as the next guy, but I do my judging based on what I see here and now and not what I was told to think about something that happened to someone long ago.

You are incredibly insightful!

was to tell me that her dad didn't believe in that sort of stuff

My dad used to say if my schizo-affective brother would get a haircut and a job, he would be fine. Right.

They push it out of their universe. It is just more comfortable.

This is so true. It's hard to think about others' suffering. For me it hurts so much that I cry. I don't try to deny their suffering though.

But better late than never. Considering the level of suckage I have endured I feel I am rebounding better than (I) expected.

I feel the same way. I wonder how I was so high functioning for so long! I find myself denying my own abuse, as if I made it up, but I didn't, it's just so horrid I can barely stand it. Even though I was doing so much better before my breakdown, I have a good life.

'what an awesome gift it would be, for just one family member to accept me the way I am and allow me room to grow'.

Yes!! This is so important. We shouldn't have to fit into their idea of how we should be.

So for me, my best friend left when I became really ill, which was better for me in the long run, and when my neighbor found out I had PTSD, he went around telling the neighborhood how I seemed nice, but I would use everyone. Not true. It was horrid to hear them talk about me like that. It seemed that finding out that I had been a victim gave them permission to be abusive to me. I think someone else said this, but differently.

Thank you all for your insightful comments. This has been a good learning thread for me.

 

[Whirlwind]

I feel the same way. I wonder how I was so high functioning for so long! I find myself denying my own abuse, as if I made it up,

I did similar. I knew it all happened and I remembered it but I had erected a safety wall I suppose. It was like looking at black and white photos and I just lived my life.

It seemed that finding out that I had been a victim gave them permission to be abusive to me.

Interesting. I was always a "strong" person but during the throes of 2nd abuse I swear I was a magnet for nasty people. And I took it because I could barely see straight at the time. I recently encountered a "repeat" situation and I just dealt with it as I would have in my healthy days. Firm, no nonsense but done so to speak. I don't like games.

What was interesting was their reaction, they seemed stunned and actually commented I seemed different. I like to think that is "me" getting back to my former self. The most notable thing for me was I wasn't second guessing myself etc. I saw the situation for what it was and that this person was behaving abusively and not just to me.

There is something to what you say and I don't know how to explain exactly. Do people treat PTSD'er differently, do we put off a vibe while in the throes of PTSD?

Like Mee says...

My ptsd incident felt emotionally very similar to my child abuse and was impacted By those events impact on who I became. seasoned abusers look for such vulnerabilities in adults; whether they know about abuse or not. They look for vulnerabilities. Our childhood impacts us as adults and to suggest we become adults and the playing field is level with out interventions, support, justice is frankly a load of tripe.

Best everyone, have a great day

Whirlwind

 

[Lionheart]

I was asked, (just last week), and told a doctor about my trauma and the cause of it. She responded that life was hard enough without having to go through all of that and she said she was sorry. Another doctor, a few years ago, asked me why I was still holding on to the abuse since it happened so long ago. I was too floored to try and enlighten him. So it is a mixed bag for me. But I usually just say my trauma was caused by child abuse rather than sexual child abuse. The fact that the abuse was sexual is not any of their business.

It seems to me, that most people do not know how to respond and they don't say anything. Perhaps that is a blessing.

 

[Mach123]

No they don't have to know. Some do for special reason and therapists and stuff but that's it. Or something that's going to help someone else.

 

[pam4him]

So, I'm just wondering about your experiences with society's reaction when you share you're a victim of childhood trauma...?

I find it interesting because although we are developing an awareness of 'trauma', there seems to be this unwritten rule that if you're a victim you're not supposed to publicly talk about it. I don't necessarily think it's a mean thing, perhaps a combination of discomfort and an ingrained way of being - that it is easier, more comfortable to not have a face to put beside the term 'trauma' because if it's more abstract it's less confronting.

I've run across this as well. My thought is that perhaps there are so many that are also victims, but it's just too much to think about, much less talk about. There is discomfort because they, too, are victims of trauma. Sometimes it's about having pushed it so far down and not dealt with, for others it may be a trigger, etc. I've found that if I watch the expressions of those around me, I can kind of gauge when I've said enough without sending them into a tailspin. Perhaps proceed cautiously, and maybe even say "If this gets to be too much for you, please let me know." Giving an out is helpful. Prayers for wisdom and strength.

 

[starvingGrad]

Survivors fall through the cracks and I think when society is confronted by this it makes them uncomfortable. I'd call it "un-traumatized/unabused privilege". A side note: abusers cover their tracks or teach their victims not to talk about it, that way the abuse can continue. Once you have been abused you also don't want to talk about it because you fear being abused by others besides the initial abuser. (I used to feel like abusive people could smell my past off me) Society does victims/survivors no help by perpetuating stigma/being awkward about it... its hard enough to come out and admit you've been abused.

Society expects adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse to be fully functioning adults once they're out of their traumatic/abusive environment. We're expected to know how to handle the outside world, and at the same time educate others on what happened to us and why we are the way we are. (we shouldn't have to educate people on "our problems")

Society also tends to point fingers at us as being deficient adults, as if we could have helped it or outgrown our issues. People don't understand that some of us would rather be homeless/couch surf when our hot-glue-gun-popsicle-stick lives collapse, because returning to the open arms of abusive people is unbearable to even fathom for us.

Society seems to look down on people who don't have a large social circle in general, and people are ignorant to the reasons why people might keep their circles small on purpose, ie there must be something wrong with that person if they don't have a lot of friends. I'm still super cautious of who I tell about my trauma, and as a result of getting burned by people who either didn't understand or tried to abuse me further I keep my social circle small. I may be overly cautious but I'm cautious for good reason.

And then there's the whole empathy problem... it ends up coming out as pity or overly sympathetic. "oh you poor thing, that's terrible, I'm so sorry that you went through that" The majority of people can't actually empathize with us because they've never felt what we have, and so anything they say ends up feeling forced. I have actually danced around my own trauma stories because I've had so many people in the past be unable to handle what I've told them.

In the same vein, they can't understand the joy of having an emotional plateau. People keep asking me "how are you doing, are you feeling better today?" I am actually super pleased when I can reply "about the same as the last time you asked". They don't get that being neither better nor worse can be a good thing, that consistent days or weeks are good. I find that "better" to these people means "happy" and "happy" really means "normal".

Society doesn't understand the complexity of trauma/abuse perpetrated by family members. Some of us don't want to/don't have the means to pursue legal action against our abusers, or the law wouldn't necessarily be able to be on our sides. Yes, something/someone has wronged me... that doesn't mean that I can get justice, or that even pursuing it will end well or fair for me.

 

[Maou]

People kinda banned me from talking about my past, which was kinda rude and made me feel disheartened. Then I just learned to joke about it, without going into detail. Then again, I never went into detail to begin with. I just dead panned told people what happened, or laughed about some horrible shit. They probably got creeped out. I still straight deadpan my stories though, and some people never take me seriously. I guess that can be a good thing though, because I do not have to spend any time justifying it.

 

[Friday]

Since this is in General, rather than Childhood...

I don't necessarily think it's a mean thing, perhaps a combination of discomfort and an ingrained way of being - that it is easier, more comfortable to not have a face to put beside the term 'trauma' because if it's more abstract it's less confronting.

Can you think of anything where that’s NOT true?

I can think of a few exceptions (small talk) but I’m having rather a lot of difficulty in thinking of anything where it’s socially acceptable to talk about it, with people on the outside, except for a few specific times/places. Even then? The rule of thumb is to keep it brief, and to make it interesting or funny, if at all possible. Because people DO get uncomfortable when other people drone on about their kids, job, health condition, finances, religion, politics, sexual preferences, food choices, etc... when they don’t share either that background, understanding, or points of reference. And people get really uncomfortable, even when they do have commonality, when the other person is forcing their views upon them. IE, they may share the same background or opinions, but simply don’t want to talk about it, right now... and their wishes are completely disregarded by someone who has decided that THIS is going to be discussed. Now. Whether the other person wants to, or not. Which plays into all the complicated issues surrounding consent. ((One of my fav quotes of all time “Aren’t we setting the bar a little low with consent? Shouldn’t we be aiming for enthusiasm?!?” ))

Don’t get me wrong... I think there’s value in knowing that people are going to respond weird if you start talking about trauma, or having cancer, or whip out a wallet full of baby pictures, or the tech specs on your project at work, or how much financial difficulty you’re in, or how you’ve accepted Jesus into your heart, or whatever. I just think there’s also value in keeping things in perspective. That it’s not just ABC that make people uncomfortable. And even if they’re an ABC expert? Passionate to the nth degree about ABC? There are going to be times and places they don’t even want to think about it, much less talk about it.