Childhood Other people, society's reaction to childhood trauma survivors...

[starvingGrad]

people are going to respond weird if you start talking about trauma

I guess its also the "you lived my worst nightmare" thing- experiences you would never want to experience yourself. Strangely when unaffected people encounter a survivor sometimes the energy turns from "here's a remarkably strong person, who is still standing here today so even if that worst nightmare had happened to me I know I'd have the strength to rebuild just like this person" to "you're a victim, and your experience still scares the shit out of me so I'll avoid the subject or you in general".
And they say we're the ones with avoidance tendencies.

 

[Digz]

I just think there’s also value in keeping things in perspective.

I get that there are other things that make people uncomfortable and they don't want brought up but I don't agree at all that we should keep it in perspective and that someone should feel they shouldn't speak their truth. I don't see how society will ever change if we perpetuate these norms. It's not just about an individual but a societal problem that exists but many like to pretend does not exist and while that is allowed to remain, while we all continually abide by these hidden 'what goes on behind closed doors' rules, great change will not happen. There's no good of schools for example having trauma pedagogy, if nobody can actually face the reality of what trauma is.

 

[Friday]

I don't agree at all that we should keep it in perspective and that someone should feel they shouldn't speak their truth

You know I didn’t say that last bit, right?

That you drew that conclusion, is super interesting / might be something you maaaaaay want to explore; because it’s a very all or nothing view to jump from “there are times and places” (what I said) to “should never”.

 

[Whirlwind]

Strangely when unaffected people encounter a survivor sometimes the energy turns from "here's a remarkably strong person, who is still standing here today so even if that worst nightmare had happened to me I know I'd have the strength to rebuild just like this person" to "you're a victim, and your experience still scares the shit out of me so I'll avoid the subject or you in general".

I have been frustrated by superficially sharing my trauma and folks reacting poorly (from my perspective). I am always told I seem confident, strong etc. I often felt let down in that I never burdened anyone with my "stuff" so why can't I stop pretending. Maybe the dichotomy in who they saw me as vs who I am just didn't make sense to them. Maybe like you say it just scares the hell out of them...especially coming from an unlikely source (me?). Hmm. I don't know. Your comment is interesting, thanks for posting.

Whirlwind

 

[siniang]

when unaffected people encounter a survivor sometimes the energy turns from "here's a remarkably strong person, who is still standing here today so even if that worst nightmare had happened to me I know I'd have the strength to rebuild just like this person" to "you're a victim, and your experience still scares the shit out of me so I'll avoid the subject or you in general".
And they say we're the ones with avoidance tendencies.

Being on the other side (as in, not a CSA/child abuse survivor) myself, it's not so much that you want to avoid the topic because it makes you uncomfortable, but that you just don't know how to respond. What to say. You don't want to hurt them. You don't want to say something accidentally inappropriate. You don't know how much they're willing to share and you don't want to appear nosy.

In other words: Has someone actually said above things to you or are you just trying to mind-read?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I don't share my traumas with anyone but a therapist. I don't think family and friends are equipped with the ability to hear and validate my trauma. Case in point - I used to have a friend who would tell me all her sordid doings and get pissed off when I didn't react like she wanted me too. She tried to make me react, or pretend to, in a manner that would make her feel better, but totally ignored my reactions or thoughts. She basically wanted me to be her therapist. I was really put off by this, because it seemed to cross a boundary, turning friendship into a one way "take care of me" sort of vibe.

I understand wanting others to know what you've suffered, even though I don't want to share my traumas, but they are usually not trained or even understand how to deal with this horrible stuff. I went through a horrible period where I was so out of control that I focused only on my illness, but having survived that, I'm willing to let others not hear about the specifics, and just listen to the generalities. This is just my opinion.

 

[Whirlwind]

Has someone actually said above things to you or are you just trying to mind-read?

Yes, I have.

 

[katz]

Some others I told had compassion and it caused them to be sad. I don't like the pain my burdens can bring others and therefore am reluctant to share this about myself.
Now sharing this information is not only burdensome but, it's irrelevant to my goals. I've considered opening up to let more people know but, to what end? What good would it do at family gatherings? It just seems easier to smile and try to be present with my loved ones.
I shared with a friend once, who has their own problems. I was reluctant and should have trusted my gut not to open up. They apologized for being pushy and drunk later. I haven't heard from them since. I feel like a fool. As if I could have kept that friendship intact by not opening up.
My therapist reacted with compassion and interest. Doctors approached me methodically and ruled out other conditions that might cause my symptoms.
Me not wanting to talk about it really has to do with my intentions because it affects many parts of my life. I can speak clearly through my tears and feel the pain fully or I can focus on my current goal.
How someone reacts can be an indicator to how close they feel to you. My family comforted me and offered condolences. Whereas my friend coerced and then left after feeling awkward. Even though I had made peace with telling them.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I had a similar experience. When I told my family, they all erupted at me and told me that I was lying. It started a lot of fighting and yelling. I quickly shut down, apologized . I have never spoke of it again. I just paint on a smile and "go thru the motions" at family functions.

It felt like getting retraumatized all over again. I won't even tell my newer close friends. Because, like you, I'm afraid that they will just get angry at me and leave.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I'm not sure about society as a whole, but overall my disclosure of my CSA to individuals has been retraumatizing.

I waited to tell anyone for four years. I decided to tell my mother, because I needed help. Unfortunately, she didn't believe me, asked horrible questions that made me feel to blame, and then the next day dramatically left home. At which point, my father berated me for upsetting my mother, and told me what had happened was not "that bad." (By the way what has happened was I had been strangled and raped by my 7th grade English teacher).

The 1st psychologist I saw, as a teenager, told me I had a personality profile most common among the prison population. She then wanted me to recount my rape. I didn't trust her, so I gave her a very cold, abbreviated version. I feigned better, so I could stop seeing her.

Another psychologist, I saw in adulthood asked when I first knew Mr. G. (the rapist) liked me. I didn't go back to this professional.

One of my ex-boyfriends implied that I had seduced my rapist. One of my friends completely cut me out of her life; mind you I just mentioned I had been raped to explain some of my unusual behavior; I didn't go into any detail.

Radio silence with other professionals and friends.

Other than the psychologist I am currently seeing for these issues, only one other person has reacted with compassion (an ex-boyfriend). Unfortunately, that boyfriend, who actually cried and said he was sorry that had happened to me, strangled me a few years later.

So yeah, I think people pretty much can't handle this kind of information. I'm unsure why, because when someone tells me about being robbed, in a car accident, cancer, or what have you, I respond with care/concern and ask how I can help them. Often, I wait a short while, then give a card, flowers, something to show support. For some reason, though, I'm on my own with these demons that I didn't create.

Thoroughly, unfair. But I guess that's life. At least, that's been my experience.

 

[Deanna]

So, I'm just wondering about your experiences with society's reaction when you share you're a victim of childhood trauma...?

I find it interesting because although we are developing an awareness of 'trauma', there seems to be this unwritten rule that if you're a victim you're not supposed to publicly talk about it. I don't necessarily think it's a mean thing, perhaps a combination of discomfort and an ingrained way of being - that it is easier, more comfortable to not have a face to put beside the term 'trauma' because if it's more abstract it's less confronting.

Mostly blown-off. People here don't take sides in a story and they owe you nothing. So, its a waste of time. Nobody cares, really. It's my problem.

 

[shimmerz]

My somatic reactions were so f*cked that honestly, i couldn't keep it from people. I am generally a private person so that was super difficult. On top of that I have a trigger thing going on when people don't understand me. Honestly, nobody understands what happened to me - not even me.

I spent the better half of 12 years living a virtual horror movie as a life. Terrors that would drive most people to suicide.

Why would I want to share that with others if I didn't have to? It's cruel and sadistic to force that upon someone without their express permission and even then I would think about it.

Now, after having said that? I shared an awful lot of things that were absolutely horrific because my real brain (my thinking brain) was shut down. I am just now going back to people and apologizing to them for being so thoughtless in forcing those things upon them.

I hope they will forgive me.

 

[Wonder Woman]

My somatic reactions were so f*cked that honestly, i couldn't keep it from people. I am generally a private person so that was super difficult. On top of that I have a trigger thing going on when people don't understand me. Honestly, nobody understands what happened to me - not even me.

I spent the better half of 12 years living a virtual horror movie as a life. Terrors that would drive most people to suicide.

Why would I want to share that with others if I didn't have to? It's cruel and sadistic to force that upon someone without their express permission and even then I would think about it.

Now, after having said that? I shared an awful lot of things that were absolutely horrific because my real brain (my thinking brain) was shut down. I am just now going back to people and apologizing to them for being so thoughtless in forcing those things upon them.

I hope they will forgive me.

Whether others forgive you or not... It may be good to remind yourself that you are human, and you have a need to be known and accepted for who you are, just like every other human on this planet.

I know for myself, when someone is vulnerable enough with me to share their painful experiences, I feel honored that they feel safe enough to share with me. I don’t consider it thoughtless, even if it's tough stuff to hear. Might it be possible that the people you've opened-up to feel similarly?

Sending you peace and safe hugs. ? ? ?