General Other People Who Don't Understand PTSD

[aeb7311]

My fiance has PTSD, and cannot work. I know his stories, and I know his pain, and I don't mind that he can't work- I work hard, but I would even if he was working, the only thing that would change would be less financial worries.

My family don't understand. They think he is mooching off me, and that I'm working myself into the ground while he sits at home doing nothing. Every time I see them, they feel the need to comment, or ask "How's ___ doing? Is he any closer to getting a job??" They don't think it is a genuine disorder.

Last weekend they told me that if they were in his situation, they would get a job even if it mean working at maccas. I started to tell them that he doesn't want a s**t kicker job, and they both went off, telling me that noone does. They didn't listen that its because a lot of his problem is working under authority, due to his experiences being mistreated in the navy. They don't get it, because they don't see what happens behind closed doors.

I am really getting sick of their incessant nagging about it. I am not a stupid person- I wouldn't be paying his way if I thought he could work... I wouldn't be with him if I didn't totally adore him.. I really think there is more to making a marriage work than having a job! This man is loving, thoughtful, and treats me like a princess. He also carries MASSES of guilt about not being able to help financially.

How do I make my family understand?? I'm not going to make him tell them his story- it's really none of their business, and it pulls him down when he speaks about it.

 

[Frankie]

Hi aeb7311,

I don't think you will ever make them fully understand or get it ! ......It is sometimes hard for us to understand :)

When I was with my bf, now my ex....who has PTSD, lots of people thought I was asking for trouble being with a man with this disorder....and yet they didn't fully understand either.

Some thought that "hey, if he tries hard enough, he can work" or "how can you stay with a man that will stop talking, or can't go everywhere you want to go".

When he left me, they couldn't understand why !!! We were so much in love....and when he didn't write or call, they would say "forget about him" and the list goes on.

I understand your frustration in wanting them to know how special he is. But it will be hard, unless they live with PTSD themselves or love someone with PTSD.

I did show some documentation regarding PTSD to some of my closest friends and slowly they began to somewhat understand that many of the things the sufferer does or goes through is something they can't control.

Hang in there, if you truly love your fiance, then don't let anyone's opinion interfere with your relationship. You know why he can't do certain things, you know he is a great guy that loves you. That is all that matters.

Frankie

 

[becvan]

You can not make anyone understand anything. That is up to them.

What you can do is set some boundaries. Let them know that any discussion about his job or lack of job is off limits and that you will not discuss it any further. If they start to discuss it, remind them of that boundary and either change the conversation or walk away. That's as much as you can do.

Remember you only control yourself, not others.

bec

 

[TLight]

Good words becvan.

This behavior just sickens me..........how stigmatized the mentally ill are. They have no idea how he suffers and the whole 'get a job thing' from them is just plain ignorance and cruelty.
My two cents........

But for you.......they won't change their ignorant attitude. Just don't go there with them.

 

[Noone.]

I understand it. It's an everyday kick in the junk.

 

[Lisa]

I understand it.

I also udnerstand what it's like to find somebody not understand that PTSD is a serious, debilitating disorder. I'm having similar problems in getting a lecturer university to basically understand this at the moment in order to be helped to work out a plan.

It sucks! Who are these people to judge?

If I were you, I'd give them as much information leaflets and websites as I could about PTSD, and see if they could at least try to imagine a day in the life of your OH. Then tell them to respect you and your chosen OH, and the decisions you've made and to accept him as he is because it doesn't affect them - it affects him, and you. If you accept and love him... they bloody well should get over it!

oOH...SORRY I ranted there... but...well you understand my point I'm sure ;-)

Lisa

 

[Tinyflame]

Lisa,

I don't think that's a rant- that is simply very true.

It sounds "kind of nasty" on my part, too, but I think that if someone doesn't want to try to learn or understand something, or to help, they should reserve their judgement and mind their own business. A person has a right to live as they choose if it is not harming someone else.

I think you are correct, if it doesn't effect them, and it's not about them, and they have nothing positive to contribute, then they should mind their own business and concentrate on themselves and their own attitudes.

I sure wouldn't waste extra time trying to change their mind.
Carry on.

 

[2quilt]

I get the same shet from people who don't understand PTSD or some physical disabilities that don't show up obviously to others. I have both PTSD and physical disabilities, but I still hear people say, "Even retarded people can sack groceries...why can't you take cinema tickets or be a school crossing guard?" And then there's the grieving we do when we are pronounced permanently disabled and we can no longer be productive in society. We see ourselves as useless.

Tell your fiance that I understand! Tell him that he has done his duty for society, and our society has safety nets like social security and VA disability for people like him and me. We should be proud of what we have done for society and now society can take care of us.

His inability to work is not a reflection on how valuable a human being he is. Tell him all his good qualities and abilities because it makes us feel valued and validated to hear these things from someone we love.

And tell your family that they would not bother to ask questions about his ability to work if he has an obviously physical disability.

Some people don't want to understand that mental disabilities can be worse than physical ones because society has a harder time providing reasonable accomodations.

If you really want to pish them off, do what I did to get myself thrown out of a rental house: say, "Just keep paying your taxes because those tax dollars are buying bombs for Iraq and disability checks for war veterans like me so I can sit on my ash at home."

 

[pandora]

Mental illness is still stigmatized but i do agree with bec..set those boundaries.

Now that i have a back injury it is much easier for my mother to deal with me not working..it just is like saying I am off for stress (PTSD) really embarassed her but that is some of the 60s generation too. The other day she pointed to a picture of me from 5 years ago and said i want that daughter back. I plan on writing a letter for her before we move in with a small brochure listing the symptoms of PTSD...she considers it all psychobabble. I hope with the help of a friend that she will finally understand fully. Sorry...did not mean to vent in your thread! Maybe a small brochure outlining some of the repercussions of PTSD would help them too and letting them know he went into the navy to help he certainly did not know coming out would leave such lasting effects. Maybe explaining a few points not the whole story may get them off of your back.

 

[Marlene]

My husband and children have been very supportive with me (ok...us) dealing with PTSD as part of our lives now. My mother's had a crash course in it with her two surviving children having it.

My husband's family (especially his mother) on the other hand...well, like Pandora said above-think it's all psychobabble. The worst part of it was that my MIL told me to my face all of the platitudes of 'hope you feel better, we're here for you, etc.' Then turned around and told my children that my PTSD was bogus and I was just doing it to get out of stuff. Excuse me? I've continued to work 40 hours a week during the absolute worst part of it. What stuff am I getting out of? Other than not having a holiday meal at my house a couple of times...I'm stumped. I've asked my husband not to discuss anything about me with his mother anymore.

Maybe I should be mature and accept that not everyone will accept mental illness as a real illness and that it is still stigmatized in our society. A lot of times I'm there. A lot of times it really chaps my ass that I'm demanded to explain and defend what I didn't cause.

Lisa

 

[Lisa]

Personally, I wish there were more people in the world like you aeb7311... clearly there are people in the world who actually can see and empathise with somebody else's circumstances.

I guess the problem with parents and family is if they are the above generation... they're still stuck in their generational attitude and upbringing. I always think it's worth trying to help those who have been trained to think one, into training them into another way of thinking.

I'd have it out with them. They must just be protective of you, and basing that protection on old societal attitude. That doesn't mean they don't want to know. Just that they don't understand.

Of course... sometimes people prefer to sit in their ignorance, as ignorance is bliss to so many. But as it's family... as pandora suggested, perhaps it is more a matter of challenging family to get them to understand. Doesn't always work... but might, if you haven't tried this already.

For example, I have a gay and a lesbian friend. My mother isn't homophobic... but her generational attitude shows. Or showed. She likes my friends... but couldn't get past 'the thought' - oddly she was better with gay but not lesbian and especially not bisexual. I sat her down one day and explained to her that whilst she doesn't share their preference... she doesn't have to in order to understand and respect. That, just like anybody of any sexuality, she shouldn't be concerned with who is doing what in who's bed. She should be more concerned about whether there are loving relationships in the world (reference to my dad and her). That just because she likes chocolate, it doesn't mean everyone else has to, or that she is right in assuming they should. If it's not a crime... it's nobody's business to judge!

When her sister's son came out as gay, I heard her tell her the same words! Whilst I wasn't sure if I got through to her... I must have for her to repeat my words.

PTSD is more difficult... I haven't yet tackled this one with my mother myself! But... sometimes it takes acknowledging to parents that they understood the world one way, back then... and now the children understand the world in a different way. Ultimately, it comes to acceptance and respect... but if understanding can be achieved as well, even better.

As for me... Meh. I have got an appointment with a mental health advocate to handle the lack of understanding in my university (I study PSYCHOLOGY and some lecturers just look down at me like I want an easy life, despite a letter from a professor and consultant psychiatrist specialising in PTSD!!). If it gets to a point where respect and acceptance can't be achieved...enforcement of human rights is needed.

 

[TLight]

Good Luck Lisa in fighting the good fight with the University..........

Rights for the mentally ill especially are so important. We have been so terribly wounded and it is not our fault, then society and the idiots in it seem to make it our fault.
Even bagging groceries right now seems scary to me. People terrify me, to tell you the truth. All these years I've been searching for a way to work from home and not be around people, I'm just safer and my symptoms don't spring up............

Normals will probably never 'get it.' I just have to somehow make the best life I can and shelter myself from all the ignorants...........if I don't, the rage becomes uncontrollable.