Relationship Our Relationship Vs. His Ptsd

[Natasja]

So Im pretty sure I've found the love of my life. He is absolutly the nicest guy in the world. Weve been dating a little over two months now and for someone who came into this with absolutly no knowlege of what ptsd and its affects are, I feel I've exhausted my efforts in trying to find the right answers to my questions. I feel I cannot talk a lot about this with friends and family as they also have no idea what ptsds causes and effects are.

Since me and him have been dating he's had what he calls dark moments where I won't even get a call or text from him for 2 or 3 days at a time. He of course calls me after these moments of darkness and is completly sorry and feels terrible that he shut me out. He always tries to explain himself but ends up just saying things like he wishes this wasn't a part of his life and that he hates ptsd. Which isn't really an explanation at all.

When we first started talking he had explained that he served in the war and that when he came back he had shown signs of ptsd and is in therapy for it and trying to move forward from it. We've had many serious conversations about commitment and being in a relationship together. But I feel like even though we have our lovey moments where were snuggling and watching movies or just sitting around together he isn't really there. Quite honestly sometimes it feels like hes not really interested in me, but then there are all of these times where he says that he is and reassures me that it doesn't have anything to do with me.

The first two times he went missing due to dark moments I felt extremly worthless as the first time was right after our first date and a few weeks later after our first time being intimate with eachother I can't help but feel rejected is this normal? And when he had gone missing I completly overly messaged him and called because of it and I just felt really kind of like a toy that was picked up and dropped. But then when he isn't in those moments he's so loving.

I'm really confused as to how to handle any of this. How I should talk to him. I know its not good to overly push issues and cause stress but I feel like I'm not getting any emotional feedback from him. Everytime he goes missing I tell him how it makes me feel but I don't think he gets how much it does hurt. I always tell him that I'm here for him while he's missing just so he knows I haven't given up on him and I always try to tell him when we are in good moments that he doesn't have to hide from me that I've got his back through this. But then he just goes missing again and I don't know whether I am crazy for staying. I've had a few healthy relationships in my life and I just kind of feel neglected in this one even though I know its not him when its happening.

I really need advice on how to better handle this. So we can move forward. We have talked a lot about long term life plans both of us were looking for a long term relationship when we started talking which I would honestly love to have with him Im just so new to this and I care about him so much that I'm willing to learn to handle these moments he has better. Anyway I feel like I'm rambling there are so many questions I have and so much I want to say.

 

[Laura 2]

Weve been dating a little over two months now

We've had many serious conversations about commitment and being in a relationship together.

Two months and already talking seriously about commitment? whoa!

He always tries to explain himself but ends up just saying things like he wishes this wasn't a part of his life and that he hates ptsd. Which isn't really an explanation at all.

It IS an explanation. It is THE explanation. No lines to read between. You're not hearing him.

I just felt really kind of like a toy that was picked up and dropped.

it feels like hes not really interested in me, but then there are all of these times where he says that he is and reassures me that it doesn't have anything to do with me

He has explained exactly what's going on. He has a significant disability. He's doing his best to deal with it. There is nothing more he can say to reassure you because he's already told you the truth. No amount of pleading, or 'working it out', or feeling abandoned can change that or make the relationship what you want.

Only you can decide whether a) you can live with his limitations or find someone else who isn't disabled and can give you all the attention you need; and b) you are 100% willing to have this brave young man's disability be completely part of your life too.

 

[nursenurse]

Two months is waaaay too early to call it a committed serious relationship, to be talking kids, to be calling him the love of your life. And it goes the same way for him. Stop falling in love with the fantasy, and get with the reality.

As the previous poster has said, he has given you lots of information. If you keep making it about your feelings, all the time, then he will isolate more. He can barely deal with his own feelings.


He is in therapy. He has a lot of insight into himself, and seems like a thoughtful young man. You should seek out some therapy yourself, to truly understand what you are up against. And for heaven's sake, quit doing the horizontal mambo if you are, for now. The last thing you need as a child in the mix when you are still working on the stability of the relationship. Plus it (sex) adds even if just mentally, the aura of commitment and forever. You guys need to take it back a few steps, let him heal.

In the "olden" days, we never used to hear from boyfriends/girlfriends daily. It was every few days, once a week, even. Now with the internet and cell, we expect it everyday. This may be too much pressure on anyone. Do not make your guy feel guilty for timing out. You need to apologize to him for making him feel guilty.

Good luck, I know this is hard.

 

[nursenurse]

Let me qualify the isolating thing. A day or two or three, and then he shows up, and is obviously feeling badly for it, is okay. Weeks and months without so much as an "I'm alive" would be a deal breaker, unless he was in some sort of residential treatment where communication is frowned upon. Then you should know that ahead of time.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I agree with the other posters here.

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

I will first say this, it is your relationship and if you feel like he is the love of your life after 2 months then he may be. Everyone's relationships are different and never let anyone tell you you are wrong for falling in love. If you both are on the same page as far as where your relationship is going, that is all that matters.

The isolation part for me is the hardest part of PTSD relationships and it is a normal reaction to feel hurt, especially with the timing of his dark days. I agree with the other ladies that you probably won't get much more of an explanation because he more than likely doesn't even know how to explain what he's feeling. They get overwhelmed easily by things that we wouldn't think would be that big of a deal. Try to be patient and build a thick skin. Don't take things personally but don't let yourself disappear either. You deserve to be treated right despite his disabilities. Be strong and look out for yourself =]

 

[nursenurse]

There are a few things I will say here, and the first is about patterns. When you peruse this site, it is filled with those who have found the loves of their lives after 2 weeks, one month, two months, only to find major character flaws that go beyond the crap that PTSD throws out. You cannot possibly know the inner workings of someone who is already struggling with so many things. I am not saying it isn't love, but anyone, in the PTSD world and the not PTSD world, would do well to put the brakes on and give a true evaluation of the relationship, the feelings, and what both partners can bring to the table. It has taken the prospective partner many years to become who they are, and two months of dating does not give you the insight into whether or not this is the kind of deep down sustainable love required of the forever part. Does love at first sight happen and succeed? Of course it does. But throw PTSD into the mix, and the romanticizing of the relationship from early on, and you have a recipe for heartache. I stand by what I posted earlier.

 

[Caterpillar]

Two months is waaaay too early to call it a committed serious relationship, to be talking kids, to be calling him the love of your life. And it goes the same way for him. Stop falling in love with the fantasy, and get with the reality.

There's no set time-line for relationships. Some people are very much in love after 2 months, or 2 weeks for that matter. It just depends on how quickly the people involved share themselves and what sorts of experiences they've gone through together. No one has the right to judge whether someone else's relationship is real, especially based on one posting in a forum.

In the "olden" days, we never used to hear from boyfriends/girlfriends daily. It was every few days, once a week, even. Now with the internet and cell, we expect it everyday. This may be too much pressure on anyone. Do not make your guy feel guilty for timing out. You need to apologize to him for making him feel guilty.

Well, it's certainly not to much pressure for anyone. I've managed daily contact through many relationships over the years, even back when I had to rely on landlines and do without the internet. In fact, I've never thought of it as pressure, because it's something I want.

@Natasja
I wonder if some of your boyfriend's terrible timing with the periods of isolation has been because he was feeling overwhelmed by what was happening between you. If someone has trust issues at all, even outside diagnosable mental illness, those powerful, early steps in a relationship can feel very threatening.

I don't think anyone can tell you whether your boyfriend's periods of isolation will continue as he gets more comfortable in the relationship, but I think you should talk to him about it and in greater depth than just saying you were hurt and having him apologize. You need to set some kind of boundary with communication that you both agree upon, perhaps something like that he'll send you a brief text telling you he wants to be alone for a while and that you'll respect that and not continue with a lot of attempts at contact until he feels ready for it again. Clear communication can go a long way.

 

[nursenurse]

Love or infatuation? There is no set time, but it is folly to declare ones forever intentions so early on before knowing lthe person better. I did not say they could not be in love, rather than they both need to open eyes and take time. My other statement was just a general observation, and shows my age well, lol.and for some, it is too much. For someone trying to heal themselves, the day to day and the feeling of having to, therefore feeling pressure and commitment may be too much. It does not mean the odd line cannot be dropped to assure the other that they are alive. Just still this point in the process, it may be that you cannot expect more.

And now I bow out of the conversation. Good luck to all.

 

[bell]

Just wanted to say that with PTSD falling in love very quickly is common because it makes us feel like all of our symptoms are gone. The rush of something new trumps our PTSD feelings for a bit and we think that this person has healed us, when it is not a person that will heal us, it is ourselves. Therefore, a lot of times, unfortunately, what does happen is that us PTSDers (especially when not in therapy) can confuse this new happy, symptom-free us with ourselves in love. I think that's why you see this happening all over this board, we rush in to make the pain go away and when the relationship gets real (again, if we're not in therapy) we tend to bolt because too close is too much.

And that being said, not hearing from someone for 2 or 3 days is, literally, nothing, so a) be thankful it is only 2 or 3 days and b) be ready for it to get worse as you get closer.

I'm not saying this to be pessimistic, but because due to my own experience having PTSD and that of others, know the above to be a very real possibility.