Overcoming Avoidance

[Meadowsweet]

A couple of years ago I broke off my final friendship and I've avoided making new friends ever since.

I have tried online chatting because it felt like it had an element of safety. And I used it to practise and to learn to change my behaviour. So it was more of a personal challenge rather than a place to make friendships. I did succeed in changing my own reactions, but I couldn't move on after that.

But now I'm feeling like I've come far enough to try and let people get a little bit closer. I'm in a new job, so I'm kind of in the position to start to do that. People have asked if I have facebook, and I've avoided adding them. And when I mentioned that I don't go out much, one woman said I was welcome to come out with her and her friends sometime.

But what is one small step and what is too much too soon? And how will I know?

I'm frightened of getting myself into a situation that I can't get out of without upsetting people (or making a fool of myself by not being able to handle it).

How have others here managed to overcome avoidance?

 

[Britt.f7]

When you feel comfortable enough to do it without too much anxiety. I think there is always going to be a little there.

The one thing to remember is, in the beginning you are not required or expected to spill your guts. Divulge only what you are comfortable about yourself. I know the times I did this I would spend most of my time listening and chiming in once in a while. That is a boundary you can set up with yourself that might ease some of the anxiety.

As an adult I find it is more difficult to make real friends. I think it is because all of our lives are so busy. I have a few at my old job that I am in contact with, occasionally. Out of all the other mother's I've met through my boy's school years, I have only one that I would call my friend. One that I actually call and we talk about our lives. I have one friend from High School and another I rehooked up with. So, I guess, actual in person friends I only have a few and that is okay with me.

I'm not great at socialization, but I'm thinking of trying too. It's a scary prospect. Unfortunately, the only way to conquer it is to push yourself to do it. Sometimes I just take a deep breath and jump in. You could always take your own ride so that you can leave when you need to. I think that helps instead of depending on someone you don't know well yet.

As far as making a fool out of yourself, I've definitely done that on a date when I drank too much, but, I suppose that is another story. It's okay to laugh. They're probably a little nervous too. Will this person like me? etc..

Let us know how it goes. I really hope for you to be able to reach out. You are worth it.

 

[KP the nut]

I'm in a new job, so I'm kind of in the position to start to do that.

This is a lovely opportunity for you to make a start. But like we say here baby steps.

People have asked if I have facebook, and I've avoided adding them.

IMHO, I'd steer clear of FB until you are totally comfortable. Then ensure your privacy settings are set to the strictest control. Then only 'friend' when you are comfortable with them in real life.

And when I mentioned that I don't go out much, one woman said I was welcome to come out with her and her friends sometime.

That is nice of her. I suppose it depends on what they usually do/go. Maybe next time they suggest going out and you want to give it a try.

But what is one small step and what is too much too soon? And how will I know?

Start small, if they are going for a meal, suggest a drink first. Say something like you'd love to go with them but that night you have to ........ whatever, someone coming to quote for new curtains, anything. Could we have a drink and then you can go onto your meal. Then when you are out, you have a get out clause and if you feel you want to eat with them, check your phone and announce that the date has changed :cautious::sneaky:.

Whatever is suggested, show willing but if needed give a short time frame.

I'm frightened of getting myself into a situation that I can't get out of without upsetting people (or making a fool of myself by not being able to handle it).

I did this on Friday night. I went to a Victorian market on my own. I became over whelmed. I could feel the stress and so I distanced myself from the market, I went to a quiet pub and spoke to a couple of forum members.

If you are out and feel unable to cope, don't force yourself to stay. Explain, that you feel unwell and leave. I find it helps me to find out the quickest way out to fresh air. Then every 30 minutes or so I go out and breathe.

It isn't easy, but slow and steady. Think back to Birmingham, give it a try and you never know - you may like it.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Hashi]

I agree with the others, You don't need to reveal that much about yourself at first, and other people will probably like it if you spend time listening to them.

I'm not sure I've overcome it, but I'm making progress by setting boundaries.

If I go to something, I let everyone know the time I'll have to leave and I keep to it. This is usually quite early - 8.30 or 9.00pm. Although my main (unstated) reason is that I'd get stressed if I had to travel home any later, it has the advantages that I don't have to stay long and don't have any difficulty deciding when to leave, don't have to worry about having to interrupt to do it, and don't have people trying to persuade me to stay longer. So things feel less overwhelming.

I also keep to situations that are most comfortable for me. I don't like going to pubs, I can't relax in them for several reasons, and I no longer put myself through it for the sake of being sociable. I usually try to meet up for an activity, anyway, rather than a chatting type of occasion. In my case, it's something like going to a gallery, shops or a talk together, so it's structured, the main interaction time is usually only over a cup of coffee and we already have a topic for conversation. It also makes it more likely you'll have something in common, if they want to do something you want to do.

I think you're wise not to add people to Facebook. It's hard to make a graceful retreat from that if you need to. I also think it's good that you've said you don't go out much. If you establish that, then going out once will hopefully not give rise to expectations that you're all going to do it every week.

As for too much too soon, I think you can only find out by dipping your toe in the water. I think "one small step" can actually be quite a big leap, so keeping it as contained as you can would help. An open-ended evening out, for example, isn't for me, but a lunch in the middle of the work day might be do-able. Being new is a really good time to do something like that, too, because at that point it can be a one-off, just getting to know your colleagues.

Nice that they're friendly and seem to like you, anyway!

 

[anni]

I'd have to guess this would be an awfully familar question for a ton of u., it's wonderful that you're working SO hard at this! I'm Queen of All Avoidance and really, really good at it because I did not for far too long. Truly, much congratulations for taking such a determined approach to this. Awful, isn't it? Mine tends to get compounded by the fact that I plain old LIKE isolating- not socializing holds zero dread for me, kind of happy in my head mostly. If one doesn't stick the head out, it doesn't get cut off ( so the unhealthy part of the psyche argues ) so here we'll sit unless I stay the heck on top of it.

You seem to have done well with being able to keep logging in here. I don't mean for that to sound silly. I've used that as exactly the kind of practice you're talking about- logging in every, single day used to send me through the roof but HAD to be done. If I missed one, I knew I'd allow myself to miss another, then panic and start that stupid avoiding cycle alllll over again. However you've enabled yourself to keep coming here might be a usefull tool, is the thing, for navigating in the 3-d world. It tends to be different for everyone- I just know if I can get past THAT moment, whatever it is I'm avoiding is faced, GOSH it feels amazing to have it under my belt. That'd be my carrot. I still have a bazillion things I'm awful about, with avoidance, it's just slowlyyyyy improving mostly because these single successes have been building on each other.

I don't know. I'd have to say if you're considering this, it probably means you're ready to take the step, albeit cautiously. You can have a self-imposed 'curfew' in place for use before you go, in case things feel too much, like perhaps a neighbor's dog you're watching, just something to make you feel you're not quite locked in, you know? If these women are friendly enough to have asked you to come out with them, you'll probably have a nice time, maybe leave you with the sense that it would be lovely to see them again sometime. It should be possible for you to manage to leave an open-ended ' We'll do it again ' so the friendships can proceed at your own pace.

I see you've had some super answers, so do not mean to make your head spin with TOO much- this just sounded SO familiar thought I'd see if I could add anything useful from my long years with my head in a sack. It's still there, just have been able to cut-out some holes for air. :)

 

[Tanishq]

I think you're wise not to add people to Facebook. It's hard to make a graceful retreat from that if you need to.

Yes, when you are wanting to socialize why even use online communication medium? I believe it takes away somethings we experience in real life.

 

[anni]

Yes, there is a thread somewhere here on wise Facebook use for the PTSD head. :) It tends to get used as a weapon, is the thing, a dreadful stressor for an avoider. Or it's way too easy to interpret other's comments and posts as being directly pointed towards yourself, also kind of fatal. On the plus side, social media is wonderful for testing one's tolerance out in the 'real world' at your own pace, within your own limits and time-frame. If the whole thing works out well, nice way to re-build friendnships also ( If/when one is ready or wishes to ) since Facebook has that incomprehensible way of finding people for you, who you haven't spoken to in years!

 

[Tanishq]

Anni, sometimes I get clueless at Facebook. but in real life I would be less clueless. I remember when I was having friends and never got disappointed so easily. I can feel sometimes people avoid talking to me. Sometimes my gut feelings do confirm this.

 

[Britt.f7]

I was just being reminded of the fact that I avoid people that I'm not particularly fond of. Which is okay, but difficult when they are your husband's family. I actually feel bad for my husband's dad because I know he wants everyone to get together but I do not like my husbands sister. She is just to fake for me, even though everyone "loves" her. Then, since her husband and her are both physically fit and in to fitness, I feel judged. I realize that one is (maybe) more my self image problem then theirs.

I really need to learn not to avoid them, since there are people you have to deal with even if you would rather not.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thankyou for all of the replies. there is a lot in there to comment individually and I wiil no doubt ponder over everything that has been said.

Something I wanted to add is that, although my anxiety is relatively high in social occassions, I psyche myself up and prepare myself and can get through a one off social occassion.

What I havn't managed to do, is form closer bonds with people. It is the little things, rather than the big occassions that freak me out. It's bonding, more than socialising that is the problem.

I'm sure the people here won't mind me saying this. But I met up with some of the UK members of the forum, and it was a day that I treasure. It was easier than most social occassions because I trusted that if I did get flustered or do the 'wrong' thing socially, people would recognise that I wasn't coping, rather than assume I was rude or unappreciative.

But even though the meet up went well, I'm sure people are aware that I've not kept in touch with anybody. Even though the people I met were lovely and put me at ease - I can't bond (or am afraid to bond) and still keep myself on the outside edges.

My aversion to bonding is extreme, and I find that as soon as people show the slightest sign of interest in 'getting to know me', I want to run or push them away.

 

[KP the nut]

I'm sure people are aware that I've not kept in touch with anybody. Even though the people I met were lovely and put me at ease - I can't bond (or am afraid to bond) and still keep myself on the outside edges.

I'd never thought about it.

OK a question. That was an event (which I also treasure), that took place almost a year ago. If say we got together more regularly would that help with the bonding process. Would we sneak under your skin so it came to the stage where you stopped worrying about bonding and just enjoyed?

I hope that makes sence.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

That is your survival skills working against you now. Like others have said tiny baby steps. Only things you can manage. Like keeping to a certain amount of time you want to spend with them, and if it does not work out, tell them anything so you can leave. It is better to go slow. It takes along time to get to know people. Just my opinion, toss if it does not work for you. Hugs.