mommyofomh
New Here
So I had a nightmare, which maybe I should post in the nightmare section, but the fact that it seemed to continue when I woke up and now i still feel stuck there. I swore for the longest I was still there in 1983. Here I am 3 hours later still very scared and confused. My husband calmed me down some but Im still shaking and desperately trying to call her.is she ok?
Excuse me in advance if this comes out weird, I dont ever talk about my childhood, and details are kind of jumbled. tho this was gonna be the next thing I worked on in my emdr session on monday.
I was 4, my father had been gone ever since the gun incedent(which maybe I will talk about some other time), my middle brother and I knew as usual our mother was doing the needle and spoon thing again. Sometimes we would watch through a hole in the bathroom door. But the man in there was the man who hurt us last time we looked. Well he hurt my brother but I tried to stop him and got hurt too. Metal hangers suck.
We were there though. We had to protect her. Usually they stayed in there for awhile. Today was different. The door flew open and he ran out real fast. Not sure why I remember an ice cream bar but I do. I think my brother followed him. Thats where it got blurry and I felt stuck and frozen. Thats where I feel like I am now. On autopilot writing this. pictures still running through my mind.
She did not come out. I was so scared to look but knew I had to. She was in the bathtub, eyes open, but was not there anymore. There was yellow foam coming out of her mouth, a belt around her arm so tight, I really wanted to take it off but I was scared of the needle hanging out of her arm, I could not move anyw
ay. Wanted to beg her not to leave me but no words came out. I just stood ther.
No crying, screaming inside. Sirens, police, always scared of police. I just stood there...they were pushing on her chest and breathing in her mouth. I was glad the needle and belt were gone. not sure where the boys are, xant stop looking at her. They took her away. She still wasnt there when they took her out of the house. I was alone, evwn if there were people there I was alone inside my head.
Wishing I could go with her. Next thing I remember we are at the church ladys house, my oldest brother is gone too. where are my grandparents? Why havent they come for us like the other times. time passed, weeks, or months, not sure, it all blended together. Bibles and church, I was the devil, mouth washed out with soap, a baptism...wait im jewish. No one talked about my mom, or if they did, I couldnt hear. She was gone. No mom, no dad, no _____, no grandparents, just me and __________.
They came for us just in time. Things were getting bad with the church lady. Then we went somewhere. It was her, she was there, I thought I was seeing a ghost. It wasnt tho. Promises and stuff, like every time before and after that, till I stopped believing.
I woke up to my 1 year old crying this morning and I felt stuck, thought I was finally able to scream, frozen in time, then realized it wasnt me. My husband got up with her, knew I was home but did not know where I was if that makes any sense. Trying not to go back on autopilot. cant hear what the kids are saying, its just words. Husband knows I am not ok, he can hear them..
Excuse me in advance if this comes out weird, I dont ever talk about my childhood, and details are kind of jumbled. tho this was gonna be the next thing I worked on in my emdr session on monday.
I was 4, my father had been gone ever since the gun incedent(which maybe I will talk about some other time), my middle brother and I knew as usual our mother was doing the needle and spoon thing again. Sometimes we would watch through a hole in the bathroom door. But the man in there was the man who hurt us last time we looked. Well he hurt my brother but I tried to stop him and got hurt too. Metal hangers suck.
We were there though. We had to protect her. Usually they stayed in there for awhile. Today was different. The door flew open and he ran out real fast. Not sure why I remember an ice cream bar but I do. I think my brother followed him. Thats where it got blurry and I felt stuck and frozen. Thats where I feel like I am now. On autopilot writing this. pictures still running through my mind.
She did not come out. I was so scared to look but knew I had to. She was in the bathtub, eyes open, but was not there anymore. There was yellow foam coming out of her mouth, a belt around her arm so tight, I really wanted to take it off but I was scared of the needle hanging out of her arm, I could not move anyw
ay. Wanted to beg her not to leave me but no words came out. I just stood ther.
No crying, screaming inside. Sirens, police, always scared of police. I just stood there...they were pushing on her chest and breathing in her mouth. I was glad the needle and belt were gone. not sure where the boys are, xant stop looking at her. They took her away. She still wasnt there when they took her out of the house. I was alone, evwn if there were people there I was alone inside my head.
Wishing I could go with her. Next thing I remember we are at the church ladys house, my oldest brother is gone too. where are my grandparents? Why havent they come for us like the other times. time passed, weeks, or months, not sure, it all blended together. Bibles and church, I was the devil, mouth washed out with soap, a baptism...wait im jewish. No one talked about my mom, or if they did, I couldnt hear. She was gone. No mom, no dad, no _____, no grandparents, just me and __________.
They came for us just in time. Things were getting bad with the church lady. Then we went somewhere. It was her, she was there, I thought I was seeing a ghost. It wasnt tho. Promises and stuff, like every time before and after that, till I stopped believing.
I woke up to my 1 year old crying this morning and I felt stuck, thought I was finally able to scream, frozen in time, then realized it wasnt me. My husband got up with her, knew I was home but did not know where I was if that makes any sense. Trying not to go back on autopilot. cant hear what the kids are saying, its just words. Husband knows I am not ok, he can hear them..
