KwanYingirl
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And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Annais Nin
Annais Nin
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Panicky Feelings Lead To Thoughts Of Demise.
- Post starter Tippi
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Hugs to you Tippi. You are overwhelmed with the situation and you are a good person. It sounds like you have never had anyone to lean on and don't now. You sound extremely responsible. I agree with taking a mental health or snow day, or maybe a week or month.
You did not criticize your husband one time in describing this situation, which tells me that this has not caused conflict between you. You mention that he does not make a lot of money, and that he made the arrangements for house payments. You also mentioned that you would be willing to give the house back and get far away.
This is a temporary situation and suicide is permenant-not a solution. Your mother in law sounds horrible. As a mother of 3 daughters, I have given them much more than I can afford at times-leaving myself in a lurch. She sounds like a wicked stingy woman. Its nice that she has help and assume she needs care with her home due to age or health or both. However, you have been put in a bad situation.
This question is not meant to be judgemental, just realistic. Is this house above your means financially? It sounds as if your husband really is the one who wanted this home, made all of the arrangements, then left you to fix it because you are the responsible one who will juggle to make things work. I have been there and know the stress of this.
My husband made a moderate income and wanted a house that he fell in love with. I loved it too, but it was a 100 yr old Victorian, over priced with sellers unwilling to budge, and needed much work. While I was more rational than my husband, I gave in. They had other offers so we had to take it before selling the home we lived in. It was 1996 when we bought it, and it was an instant money pit. (no family involved). It needed cosmetic help, but the first week we were there, the boiler would not stay lit and we were without heat. We needed $10,000 for a furnace and to put air conditioning in. Then the water dept came to my door and said I had a leak, the water bill was $500 that month. Everything seemed to go wrong. This just went on and on. We had a 4 and 6 yr old. I was on disablity. My husband said he would work a second job if he had to in order to buy this home. Once purchased, it never happened and I was left to figure it out. We had to sell a car for $10,000 to get a furnace and share a car for 3 years. Our house did not sell for 10 months. I was putting food on the Visa. My husband was committed to his job but avoided, was oblivious to the situation we were in. I thought I would have a nervous break down for sure. I had fantasies of escape. I felt a lot like you are describing, as I was very responsible, resourceful, careful financially, and I was failing.-you just can make a dollar out of 55 cents. I suffered physical illness, IBS like you (cervical herniated discs with stenosis, CFIDS, fibromyalgia, migraines, etc), most related to ptsd although not diagnosed.
It took about 3 years of extreme sacrifices to get financially straightened out-have enough to order pizza once a week. I did so much physical labor to get the house in shape. I sanded floors and painted every room in the house. It seemed the work was endless. Something was always under construction. I thought I would never be in this position again in my life. I worked hard on my health and got some better. Since I was on disability, voc rehab would help pay for school, but I applied too late the first semester. When I told my husband that we had to come up with 1st semester tuition, he said "maybe next semester", we cant afford it right now. I was crushed. I wanted to do it for the family so we would never be in this position again, but I also wanted it for myself and to show my children the importance of education. I came up with the money, but there was a shift in our relationship. I took about 22 hrs a semester(over 12 is free) and graduated with honors in 3 years. Took a part time job and started a masters program that I would have to pay as voc rehab would not help. Basically, my husband worked at a hospital as a computer financial analyst and I did EVERYTHING else. While I was trying to figure out how to buy a book in the masters program I was in, my husband committed my daughter to a travel soccer team that cost about $5000 a year for fees, travel, uniforms, etc. But we lived in the best old neighborhood in a very prestigious home. I never had a pedicure or manicure or massage, I got a cheap haircut every 6 months. We stopped taking any vacations. I squeezed the travel soccer bills in too.
Having so much sweat equity in the house and many good time, I loved this old house. Having made so many sacrifices for this house mostly the destruction of my body to keep it in shape and the financial costs, I hate this house. So it is bittersweet, a love hate relationship.
When we bought the house and my in laws visited, I would be picking splinters out of my kids feet because the kitchen floor was like pine deckwood. My mother in law would make snide remarks such as "well you wanted it", "the other people lived with it", or "did you really think you could take the kids to the beach after buying this house". It became apparant that they thought that I was the one who wanted this house. After expressing this to my husband, he told him that I did not want to make the move, that it was he that wanted the house. The comments halted. My father in law even bought 2 rooms of carpet after this. Then my father in law died and left his wife with a two acre farm, up a self kept gravel road with well water, huge maintaince in upkeep. Our marital relationship was already deteriorating because of his lack of responsiblity, but now his mother dug her feet in and refused to move to a place that she could manage easily with little help. On weekends, I would have to send my husband to take care of his mothers needs and I took on the few things he did do, such as trimming hedges, getting lawn furniture out, etc. It wasnt long before I told him to move to his mothers and he did. I was still in grad school, only bought half the books required due to finances, had to borrow others computer or go to library. I was on suspension a couple of time for being behind in tuition, but graduated with 3.9. Was single parent and had all responsiblity now. We have been seperated 11 yrs but never divorced. Our kids have gradutated college and law school-Im still here.
Two months after seperation, I talked to realtor, got appraisal, and looked at homes much cheaper. My husband refused to sign to sell house or to buy new one. He insisted the kids have the stability. I have been here for 19 years total, and every cent goes into this house. I am literally exhausted from the up keep of this home. I now have an empty nest with my 2 dogs. I dont think I can get the money out of the house that I have into it. I had an accident and settlement and put $40,000 just to bring up to date like the roof, fence, collapsing deck. After getting my masters, I was only able to work 2 yrs because of responsiblities and illness, then ptsd.
Im know and am sorry this is a long story for a short point. I feel like this house destroyed me and my marraige. It is so big, I cant even get it clean all over to show it to sell it.
I dont know if you are totally over extended or if you are able to work (which sounds difficult at the time). I can think of 2 choices that you have. 1.) Tell husband that you need X amount of dollars every pay for food, gas, etc (whatever you need to pay for) and turn the responsiblity over to him to figure out, making it clear that all communication is to be between him and his mother since they made the arrangements initially. 2.) Give the house back and move as you expressed the desire.
No house is worth your mental health, and the longer you hold on, the deeper the hole you may dig-without change that is a relief to you. Over the years, I have come to feel more stuck each year. Almost 20 yrs later, I have a harder time keeping up with it. I am 55 and not real strong. The market is worse now. I had it on the market a couple of years ago, and its harder to prepare to show. I cant imagine packing and moving all of this stuff. Its overwhelming financially and physically, and being alone, I dont know where I would go. Your situation may be different, but this house should be owned by someone with twice the income.
You did not criticize your husband one time in describing this situation, which tells me that this has not caused conflict between you. You mention that he does not make a lot of money, and that he made the arrangements for house payments. You also mentioned that you would be willing to give the house back and get far away.
This is a temporary situation and suicide is permenant-not a solution. Your mother in law sounds horrible. As a mother of 3 daughters, I have given them much more than I can afford at times-leaving myself in a lurch. She sounds like a wicked stingy woman. Its nice that she has help and assume she needs care with her home due to age or health or both. However, you have been put in a bad situation.
This question is not meant to be judgemental, just realistic. Is this house above your means financially? It sounds as if your husband really is the one who wanted this home, made all of the arrangements, then left you to fix it because you are the responsible one who will juggle to make things work. I have been there and know the stress of this.
My husband made a moderate income and wanted a house that he fell in love with. I loved it too, but it was a 100 yr old Victorian, over priced with sellers unwilling to budge, and needed much work. While I was more rational than my husband, I gave in. They had other offers so we had to take it before selling the home we lived in. It was 1996 when we bought it, and it was an instant money pit. (no family involved). It needed cosmetic help, but the first week we were there, the boiler would not stay lit and we were without heat. We needed $10,000 for a furnace and to put air conditioning in. Then the water dept came to my door and said I had a leak, the water bill was $500 that month. Everything seemed to go wrong. This just went on and on. We had a 4 and 6 yr old. I was on disablity. My husband said he would work a second job if he had to in order to buy this home. Once purchased, it never happened and I was left to figure it out. We had to sell a car for $10,000 to get a furnace and share a car for 3 years. Our house did not sell for 10 months. I was putting food on the Visa. My husband was committed to his job but avoided, was oblivious to the situation we were in. I thought I would have a nervous break down for sure. I had fantasies of escape. I felt a lot like you are describing, as I was very responsible, resourceful, careful financially, and I was failing.-you just can make a dollar out of 55 cents. I suffered physical illness, IBS like you (cervical herniated discs with stenosis, CFIDS, fibromyalgia, migraines, etc), most related to ptsd although not diagnosed.
It took about 3 years of extreme sacrifices to get financially straightened out-have enough to order pizza once a week. I did so much physical labor to get the house in shape. I sanded floors and painted every room in the house. It seemed the work was endless. Something was always under construction. I thought I would never be in this position again in my life. I worked hard on my health and got some better. Since I was on disability, voc rehab would help pay for school, but I applied too late the first semester. When I told my husband that we had to come up with 1st semester tuition, he said "maybe next semester", we cant afford it right now. I was crushed. I wanted to do it for the family so we would never be in this position again, but I also wanted it for myself and to show my children the importance of education. I came up with the money, but there was a shift in our relationship. I took about 22 hrs a semester(over 12 is free) and graduated with honors in 3 years. Took a part time job and started a masters program that I would have to pay as voc rehab would not help. Basically, my husband worked at a hospital as a computer financial analyst and I did EVERYTHING else. While I was trying to figure out how to buy a book in the masters program I was in, my husband committed my daughter to a travel soccer team that cost about $5000 a year for fees, travel, uniforms, etc. But we lived in the best old neighborhood in a very prestigious home. I never had a pedicure or manicure or massage, I got a cheap haircut every 6 months. We stopped taking any vacations. I squeezed the travel soccer bills in too.
Having so much sweat equity in the house and many good time, I loved this old house. Having made so many sacrifices for this house mostly the destruction of my body to keep it in shape and the financial costs, I hate this house. So it is bittersweet, a love hate relationship.
When we bought the house and my in laws visited, I would be picking splinters out of my kids feet because the kitchen floor was like pine deckwood. My mother in law would make snide remarks such as "well you wanted it", "the other people lived with it", or "did you really think you could take the kids to the beach after buying this house". It became apparant that they thought that I was the one who wanted this house. After expressing this to my husband, he told him that I did not want to make the move, that it was he that wanted the house. The comments halted. My father in law even bought 2 rooms of carpet after this. Then my father in law died and left his wife with a two acre farm, up a self kept gravel road with well water, huge maintaince in upkeep. Our marital relationship was already deteriorating because of his lack of responsiblity, but now his mother dug her feet in and refused to move to a place that she could manage easily with little help. On weekends, I would have to send my husband to take care of his mothers needs and I took on the few things he did do, such as trimming hedges, getting lawn furniture out, etc. It wasnt long before I told him to move to his mothers and he did. I was still in grad school, only bought half the books required due to finances, had to borrow others computer or go to library. I was on suspension a couple of time for being behind in tuition, but graduated with 3.9. Was single parent and had all responsiblity now. We have been seperated 11 yrs but never divorced. Our kids have gradutated college and law school-Im still here.
Two months after seperation, I talked to realtor, got appraisal, and looked at homes much cheaper. My husband refused to sign to sell house or to buy new one. He insisted the kids have the stability. I have been here for 19 years total, and every cent goes into this house. I am literally exhausted from the up keep of this home. I now have an empty nest with my 2 dogs. I dont think I can get the money out of the house that I have into it. I had an accident and settlement and put $40,000 just to bring up to date like the roof, fence, collapsing deck. After getting my masters, I was only able to work 2 yrs because of responsiblities and illness, then ptsd.
Im know and am sorry this is a long story for a short point. I feel like this house destroyed me and my marraige. It is so big, I cant even get it clean all over to show it to sell it.
I dont know if you are totally over extended or if you are able to work (which sounds difficult at the time). I can think of 2 choices that you have. 1.) Tell husband that you need X amount of dollars every pay for food, gas, etc (whatever you need to pay for) and turn the responsiblity over to him to figure out, making it clear that all communication is to be between him and his mother since they made the arrangements initially. 2.) Give the house back and move as you expressed the desire.
No house is worth your mental health, and the longer you hold on, the deeper the hole you may dig-without change that is a relief to you. Over the years, I have come to feel more stuck each year. Almost 20 yrs later, I have a harder time keeping up with it. I am 55 and not real strong. The market is worse now. I had it on the market a couple of years ago, and its harder to prepare to show. I cant imagine packing and moving all of this stuff. Its overwhelming financially and physically, and being alone, I dont know where I would go. Your situation may be different, but this house should be owned by someone with twice the income.
- Post starter
- #15
- Post starter
- #17
Hi, TreeHugger!!
BTW (by the way), I have tons of trees to hug behind my house! We have woods that go about 2 miles behind us, and just yesterday a mother deer with 2 baby fawns walked out unexpectedly into my side yard. I was so excited. I never get tired of nature......and I love trees. Anyhoo.......
Thank you for being so kind and understanding! And thanks for welcoming me....it's nice to meet you.........:)
BTW (by the way), I have tons of trees to hug behind my house! We have woods that go about 2 miles behind us, and just yesterday a mother deer with 2 baby fawns walked out unexpectedly into my side yard. I was so excited. I never get tired of nature......and I love trees. Anyhoo.......
Thank you for being so kind and understanding! And thanks for welcoming me....it's nice to meet you.........:)
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