Paranoia Episodes Make Me Believe And Rationalize That Im In Hell

[jasminetea]

its really hard for me to talk about this, I feel ashamed and insane. But I havent found anyone with similar expiriences and am hoping to find support or advice.
When i was using a lot of drugs (i have a little over a year clean, so any drug related chemical defiancy is unlikely) I was paranoid constantly, they often werent heavy drugs either that are known to cause paranoia.

I got to the point where even if i wasnt loaded that day i was still paranoid. after i got clean it took months for it to mostly go away but every month or so, maybe more or less, i get paranoid. I will try my best to explain it, though its hard because i have a completely different perception and its hard to comprehend it when i am not expiriencing it.
I dont really know what to call it, it maybe could be a panic attack but i think its a little different..
I got paranoid for the first time in awhile 3 nights ago. Its pretty exhausting, it leaves me tore up for a few days, and im done, i talked to a friend and i think im going to try a low dose of an anti depressant even though they really scare me.
on a regular day im not paranoid at all. i think i have a pretty normal thought process, i even have good days where i feel confident and happy with what i am doing. I think my is an extreme way of my brain explaining my life and expiriences to me, because it all comes down to things that i am scared of or skewed beliefs based on past expiriences.

basically what happened the other day is i prayed to a higher power that at this point is just something that conists of happiness love etc. right after i closed my eyes and i got paranoid, i think my paranoid started because i felt unworthy of a higher power, ie happiness and love.
what happens is that i have random memories of small expiriences or conversations, and i usually have replays of my day. but all of these memories are skewed in this way that im in hell, im a bad person, and everyone is punishing me and trying to hurt me. its utter despair and i could think of anything and it will be a part of my hell. it feels universal and like my only truth. lately this only lasts for no more than 5 minutes. but it also rationally makes sense to me when i get paranoid to commit suicide, but my gut tells me its not right. i try to remember happiness and love and joy but i literally cant comprehend it and my mind tells me those things are lies.
I feel pretty unmanageable because its been a year and this is still happening and it scares me out of my mind every time it happens. I talk to a few close friends and family members and counselor and every says im not insane though i feel like i am. but no one can relate and i dont have an answer. though they do say, and i completely agree hence the decision to start medication, that the rationalization of suicide and complete hopelessness is not something i cannot continue to live with. i really hope someone has support or expirience or something.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It may be drug related? Simply because you're not taking a drug anymore doesn't mean that it doesn't have a continued effect on you. There are TONS of stories out there about how drugs, medications have permanently altered the mind and/or body long after the person has stopped taking them.

 

[Ronin]

I was thinking drug related, too.

Other than that, you might want to research Cotard syndrome/delusion. The specific condition linked to belief one's dead / in Hell, isn't all that unknown of, and not uncommon even though articles on it are lesser. Usually stems from severe untreated depression, and responds fairly well to ECT, treated sooner is as with most things better than later.

Thing is, even if you *were* the kind of bad person your mind is telling you - that doesn't mean you don't deserve life.

 

[violetclouds]

My PTSD symptoms are very similar to yours so I know that feeling of paranoia and the feeling of being 'punished' or being a 'bad person' and that everyone is against you because of it. There is no convincing you in that moment that it isn't true. I know what it is like. I really hope that you will get some mental health assistance because this is not going to go away with a small anti-depressant. Been there done that. If your counselor cannot see that you need more help it might be prudent to try to see someone like a psychiatrist, pysychologist, or even a mental health nurse practitioner - mine is my favorite person and has helped me so very much! Don't just try to medicate it away - try to get with someone who can know what is really going on and help you get well - not cover it up with medication. Everyone deserve to be well. I wish you well - peace!

 

[Everythingspassage]

I feel the exact same way. In my mind I believe all humans are in a state of "heaven, hell, or purgatory" depending on some sort of factor of their past life. I've come to this conclusion from observation. I see the lives of the people in "heaven" who came from good homes and good families and go on to have successful lives and careers. I see the ones in "purgatory" the poor, hardships but not broken, their lives have their ups and downs. Although it is a bit harder. And then there is the "hell group" these are people who have had abuse and assault from the get-go. Relentless, unending. They have experienced very little love, much abuse, and live their lives in constant fear and despair. Not all people with PTSD are in this "hell group". Not very many people on this earth actually reside in it. But in my opinion this makes sense. As someone living and observing from the "hell" group. I mean I've been mulling over my observations for a while. And when I explain in detail, many people believe me, actually. I have come to somber terms with this. This may sound crazy but my dad woke up with the Latin phrase "anima sola" when we were talking, before he became permanently estranged. She is a woman a "saint of sorts" who is chained while the fires of hell continue to burn her, but never engulf her (as to kill her) for eternity. As crazy as this sounds. I feel like I am the "anima sola". Maybe not literally. But no matter how many times I have come inches from death I have never gotten the release. Only more pain after. So...in other words. I personally do not think you are to far fetched.

But...I don't want to scare anyone. :(
Oh and as far as the paranoia of other things go. I wake up with guilt so bad I have a panic attack as soon as I open my eyes. Often I freeze, or cry, always able to find SOMETHING I have done wrong. Always. I feel personally that maybe I deserve the pain. Because I am at a point now that it is so consuming I pretty much spend my day in fetal position on a tablet. Nothing else. No school, no work, just fear and shame and guilt and I know everyone sees me as a failure for this. I'm 20.

So again, I pretty much mirror this possibly more severe. Maybe finding a good therapist will help?