Paranoia

[Bonsiren]

For the last few years, I've been having a lot of issues with paranoia.

I swear I hear people walking around my apartment while I'm in my bed and no one else is awake. It sounds like they're in my living room and I have to go check. Or it sounds like someone is messing with the doorknob, and I creep up to the door only to find no one is there. Or it sounds like someone has dropped something, or the cupboards are opened. The apartment building we live in has thin walls and I think the layouts are mirrored, so our neighbor's kitchen is against our kitchen, but I have to check. Otherwise I just lie there, my heart racing, convinced someone has broken into my apartment. This happens on a nightly basis and I'm having trouble sleeping.

I convinced Boyfriend to rent a second-story apartment just so I wouldn't have to deal with the windows and the back door, because there's no physical way to get to them. But when the trees rattle and scratch against the windows, I have to look through the blinds and make sure that, I don't know, Spiderman isn't trying to break into my apartment. Those branches are way too thin for anyone over forty pounds to climb on them, but I still have to look.

But the big thing is my stuff.

When I can't find things, I am so sure that someone else has touched them. Or moved them. Deliberately. It feels deliberate. The thing is: I'm usually the one who moved them and forgot all about it. I don't like it when other people touch my things, unless I've given them permission. Boyfriend and I share the bedroom, but no one else is allowed to go in there. Ever. And no one dares to touch my purse under any circumstance. Even Boyfriend has to have explicit instructions, otherwise he won't go near it.

Boyfriend and I are currently in the middle of an argument because I couldn't find my skirt this morning. I eventually found it stuck in the back of the closet, hidden out of sight. Since Boyfriend does all the laundry, I spent half the morning tearing the bedroom apart for this one damn piece of clothing, absolutely convinced that he's done this to me on purpose.

Except he never does things like this. He's sweet, mindful, respectful, and he never f*cks with me. No pranks, no practical jokes, no passive-aggressiveness, nothing. So it would be out of character for him to deliberately hide my things from me.

But I can't get it out of my head that he's responsible for this. That, somehow, I've offended him and this is him getting back at me. I am so convinced of this, and he's just completely baffled by my accusations, and now I feel like we're just going around in circles, unable to compromise or let it go. The feeling of betrayal is so huge that I can't focus on my work right now. I feel overwhelmed. I can't even attempt to concentrate on this.

All I can think is: why would he do this to me? When I'm, like, 90% sure he had nothing to do with it and doesn't have any idea what's going on right now.

I don't know what to do about this. I've been considering going back to therapy, but we're in the middle of a big insurance switch, so I'm putting it off until I know it's somebody I can continue to see once the insurance matter is settled.

I feel really crazy and paranoid right now, and this is a persistent feeling that has been going on for the last few years.

 

[Springer80]

I reckon the vast majority of this is sleep deprivation and hyper vigilance, especially in regard to your neighbours and noises in the night.

The suspicion thing that your stuff not being where you thought it would be,,,is it possible that it's a defensive thing, a loose end from your abusive environment? I grew up with a father who drugged my food and drinks and generally ****ed with my head amongst other things. A bit like that film 'Sleeping with the Enemy.' I obviously ended up needing to be VERY sure about my stuff, where it was etc.

It's not really paranoia if it's based on substance. Yes the context may have changed now and this behaviour is residual but it is based in previous fact. You can't blame yourself for having to check noises in the night, if you (?) spent years having to defend yourself against attack, for instance.

I would do more relaxing things and go back to a therapist when you get the chance. In the mean time perhaps call a helpline to get it off your chest a bit, as and when you need too, or write it on here?[DOUBLEPOST=1403302524,1403302404][/DOUBLEPOST]Just had a thought...It's not paranoia, it's misplaced fear.

 

[Candleflames]

Hi Shmegegi

What you wrote is so very familiar to me. It really sucks to feel so twitchy, my word for it. At it's worst I would here voices calling to me for help and "see" people as making menacing faces at me. For me it was the hyper vigilance run a muck. If I forget to take all of my meds than I get right back in that place.

It could very well be you are hearing noises from the neighbors or it may have started out that way and now you are so worried about the noises that your brain is now creating them. Now your so upset that everything feels like a part of the "out to get me" feelings. The skirt thing is just an oversight. How could he have known you would want that particular skirt on any given day?

Before my meds kicked in I found a couple of things helpful. Sometimes a hot bath was all I needed. Other times some calming medicinal tea helped. If those didn't help I moved on to some cbt techniques. One was to alternately tense and relax a section of my body while doing some beep breathing. If all else fails and my heart is also pounding I put an ice pack over my eyes that is big enough to cover my brows and upper cheeks. That one is called the mammalian dive reflex and you can look up various ways to do it.

Hang in there. It'll get better.

 

[franciemarnie]

I never had paranoia but if you have it, I imagine you would feel paranoid outside your apartment too, but since you only mention your place, I have to ask - did this begin when you moved there? Did it happen in your previous abode? Does Boyfriend hear stuff too? Find things misplaced? It could be the place is haunted. That can be fixed.

If it's paranoia, a good T should help.