I feel your pain--we are in the same boat. It's hard to give up trying to get what you missed out on from family members who were responsible to provide it. But the stark reality is, I've found, that wasting your life, time, energy, and sanity, waiting around in your adulthood, for someone to provide something they never showed any likilhood of providing, even when their obligation was more obvious, in your youth---is rarely a winning proposition.
Have you ever heard the term "Cut your losses?" It's not just that easy, I know. Especially if your illness makes you dependent on her financial support. And we all would like to think, in our heart of hearts, that "blood is thicker than water", after all--that our particular family unit is somehow magical, and so impervious to factors which would break it apart--and so render us with a feeling of 'it's all been just a waste of time', and "I guess I was just a mistake, after all, if it never meant any more than this". Maybe not conscious thoughts, but unconscious conclusions, all too often.
But at some point the pain exceeds the pleasure--by a long shot. Unfortunately, by that point, the pain of beating your head against that wall for years can have taken an even greater toll than it already has. Isn't it better to arrive at a rational, intellecutally weighed decision, before that point? I sure wish I had. I know that.
And that's not to say that things will never change, and that any distance you choose to place between yourself and such abuse (yes, abuse) is permanent, and irrevocable. Often, what the abuser needs, as well, is some distance--for a chance to get out of "warrior mode" themselves, and so get a little room in order to let the stress die down for them, as well, so as to not just lash out in reflex whenever they feel any threat approaching.
I think in lots of situations like that, by the time it reaches a certain point, the two of you aren't even recognizing the material being discussed, or proposed anymore--you've just come to see each other as figures representing a threat to be resisted or attacked. When you reach that point, you could be telling her that the grass is green, and only expect a violently shouted "NO IT'S NOT!" in response.
To continue to belabor the point beyond that stage, is actually to do disservice to the point you're attempting to make, yourself. You're just contaminating any future attempts at actually getting it heard, by making her feel threatened by it now--until she no longer even sees the point, or hears the words--just flashes to an image of a weapon, and reflexively parries. When it degenerates into Me vs You, for the sake of the win, alone...there's no hope of winning at all. And further attempts at a later date are tainted by her associations with your point as only a weapon intended for use in her destruction at this earlier date. In other words, you can seal that door shut irrevocably, if you beat on it too hard, too early.
My mother is around the same age--and not to be either "ageist" or sexist--but I heard someone quote...someone else...recently (wish I could remember who either party was, now, but I'm brain-fogging)--"It's just like a gracious older woman...she'll do whatever she's asked...as long as it's exactly what she wants" (don't remember what they were referring to, now, either).
But point being, it's not exactly unusual for people to become more stubborn as they age. It's just not. And trying to overcome stubborness by "breaking it down' with force"--well, you get my meaning. If they were committed to stubborness before, they're only going to become that much more invested in it, when opposed forcefully. Or another quote "A person convinced against their will, is of the same opinion, still". And as long as she sees you as the enemy, just attacking her....she's never going to even WANT to agree with you, on principle.
And no one ever agreed with someone they didn't WANT to agree with, in the first place, based on the person involved. Even if it's a matter of the grass plainly being green.
So "Break! Fighters go to your own corners!!" (referee's call at the end of a boxing round). Take a breather. Give her one, too.
You'll both not only be better for it, and more likely to hear each other later...but at least you won't be "swinging yourselves tired", while at the same time you're "beating your head against that wall."
You know you're right. You just do. That's obvious. Why wouldn't you? You've got medical professionals, with the whole white-coat get up, and fancy papers framed on their walls--telling you so. Where'd your mom go to medical school? See?
In other words...what does it really matter what any layperson thinks about your condition? Does that change it? How does it even matter? I mean, I know, it's the principle, and what not. That is important, after all--getting a sense of "rectitude" of finally setting things right, and getting some sense of justification, a little power back, etc. But how's that workin' out for you, just now? Your arms gettin' tired yet?
And yes, I said abuse, earlier. Denying someone who has received a legitimate diagnosis from an appropriate medical professional--is abuse. And blaming you for having it, as a matter of "not being good enough" to just get over it. Abuse abuse abuse.
True, all of that. But in what universe does a logical appeal to an abuser, someone by nature abusive--usually result in their very reasonably saying "Oh, well....I never thought about it that way...now that you mention it. Yeah, I guess maybe I should consider not banging your head against this wall anymore". Right. Not bloody likely.
So whether it's a matter of her just being in "cornered animal defense mode", or instead a matter of her just being a "standard callous abuser:--or some combination of the two--how exactly do you benefit from further cornering her at this point...or continuing to let her figuratively beat your head against the wall, while you try to reason with her, rationally? Where's your end in all that?
It's hard to see things anything like clearly where family's concerned--especially ma. That's like the hottest button most deeply installed.
But even if you can't choose your family, you can still choose how you let them affect you. And sometimes it's only a bad choice between a bad choice, and a worse choice. But as soon as you see the one you need to stay healthy--go with it sooner, rather than later.That's all I'm sayin'.
I have CPTSD (prolonged trauma, throughout childhood), PTSD (physical trauma, incidental to attacks, near death experiences-multiple), GAD, SAD, ADD, Agoraphobia, panic disorder, and have had a stroke that's paralyzed half of my face, and eyelids, and prevents me from making any eye contact.
My mother still refuses to believe it's anything more than a "lack of willpower, and personal weakness". That when I mention any difficulties whatsoever, I'm just "a whiner". Go figure. Right?
Is it my problem?...I've got enough problems. It's actually kind of funny, when you think about it: I think I'VE got problems? She's the one with problems--reality problems. And that's not my problem.
Glad you posted somewhere people will understand. Sounds like you need that right now. PTSD and other trauma-related diagnoses are not just "psychological", they're neurophysiological. Newer brain scans (fMRI, for example) confirm this. All she needs to do is read a book. If she won't...that's not your problem. SO quit bangin' your head against it. THAT'S a problem you can control.
All the best, and keep your chin up. We're behind ya.
