Relationship Partner is nonresponsive suddenly.

[rsal57]

My gf has PTSD from a domestic, sexual abuse relationship from a year ago. We recently made plans to see each other for the fourth of july - we are long distance and about a 2 weeks prior she went non responsive. Then last Wednesday she asked if I had a plane ticket and said "my bad I've been in big self care mode." Since then I sent her a couple long texts asking what was going on. She's never disappeared like this so I'm completely in shock and gutted. I wrote her a letter today asking for clarity and telling her I've broken down in tears at her absence that came out of nowhere. We were communicating great and everything seemed fine. Her PTSD is so recent, she just testified against her old partner and he was found guilty of 10 felonies for DV, strangulation, etc...

Any advice on what to do here is appreciated. My therapist said it is important that she know that I am feeling deeply hurt, sad, and confused. She has no idea right now what I'm going through. I can see she still went to a concert on social media but besides that has only been posting about trauma and emotional pain. I'm completely at a loss for what to do but I want to send her the handwritten letter telling her how hurt and sad I am. Thank you for any help.

 

[Sideways]

Her PTSD is so recent, she just testified against her old partner and he was found guilty of 10 felonies for DV, strangulation, etc...

So, she has no idea how hurt you are by her absence. But to be fair, you’ve similarly got no idea what she’s going through right now either. Which means neither of you have necessarily done anything wrong - it’s just what each of you needs right now isn’t lining up.

"my bad I've been in big self care mode."

What this is likely to mean is that she needs space from you right now, and she needs time to prioritise her own wellbeing (above your priorities). It’s a good thing she’s able to recognise what she needs to look after herself right now (because she’s been through a shittonne in a very short space of time), and that she’s able to prioritise that.

If her self care means “space from you”, then this is very unlikely to be the last time she needs to be absent for a period of time. As much as it is distressing for you, that’s what a partnership with this (and many) ptsd sufferer is going to look like.

Any advice on what to do here is appreciated.

You’ve asked her what’s going on, she’s given you a response. So I’d recommend giving her time and space. Yes, communicating how you feel may be important for you. But this is a very typical ptsd coping strategy, and adding guilt for making you miserable isn’t necessarily going to be helpful for her, or your relationship.

 

[rsal57]

Thank you for this response. I have an appointment with my Therapist in 15 minutes so I will bring this to her and continue to give space and time to my partner. Considering it's only been a week since she checked in I think I can continue to do that. I But if it gets to be a month long absence I may set a hard boundary for myself and send the letter and move on.

 

[LuckiLee]

Supporter here.

This is so recent that I would just be a friend to her. She has an incredibly hard road ahead of her and she's going to need a lot of time to process things. A romantic relationship, imo, isn't the best idea. For either one of you.

She's doing what's best for her. Self care. I give her props for taking care of herself.

Ptsd sucks for all involved (sometimes). It is a mental disorder with no cure. Your therapist should know that and they should also know your pressure on her is MORE stress. She'll likely push you farther away the more you press.

It could be this way forever unless she takes the time (however long that is, could be years) to really focus on herself and therapy.

It's up to you if you want to be in a relationship with someone with a mental disorder. It isn't easy.

What she needs now? Is "support".

Good luck to you both!

 

[Friday]

My therapist said it is important that she know that I am feeling deeply hurt, sad, and confused.

Yep. And a key thing to remember with PTSD is DO NOT STOP bringing things to the table to discuss, negotiate, come to mutual understanding, etc. just like you would in any other relationship.

HOWEVER

1. The lock that key fits into? Is all. about. timing.

Exactly the same as you would not choose to have -or insist on having- a serious discussion about your relationship when someone is asleep, or throwing up, or giving testimony at court, or giving birth, or having a seizure, or is anaesthetised whilst being operated on by a surgeon, or is flying out to bury their parents, or is being held at gunpoint, or, or, or.

^^^ All of those things -and countless others- can be easily seen/understood that …right now… isn’t the time to have this conversation.

(Unless you yourself have a serious mental illness or disorder, certain kinds of brain damage, are suffering from any of a double handful of illnesses/infections, are taking some kinds of meds, are addicted &/or presently high on a wide swath of mood/mind altering substances, etc.).

Your girlfriend has a neurological condition (PTSD) that means she will (often, occasionally, once in a blue moon) be just as incapable of having a discussion, or managing someone else’s emotions in addition to her own, as someone who is throwing up or making a sworn statement in court. WITHOUT the obvious “Oh. This is a bad time.” attached to it. Nor the almost as easy to calculate “When will probably be a good time?” attached.

My therapist said it is important that she know that I am feeling deeply hurt, sad, and confused.

2. Did your therapist warn you that telling a DV/Rape victim how much they hurt you by taking the time they needed for themselves is likely to end the relationship on the spot, unless handled very carefully?

 

[rsal57]

I love her deeply and this relationship is teaching me self love and self care and patience. To be honest I didn't realize the depth of the trauma until her ex got sentenced. It's pretty bad and it explains alot of our early struggles. I just have to be patient and continue to work on self care so I can be a supportive partner.

 

[rsal57]

Yep. And a key thing to remember with PTSD is DO NOT STOP bringing things to the table to discuss, negotiate, come to mutual understanding, etc. just like you would in any other relationship.

HOWEVER

1. The lock that key fits into? Is all. about. timing.


2. Did your therapist warn you that telling a DV/Rape victim how much they hurt you by taking the time they needed for themselves is likely to end the relationship on the spot, unless handled very carefully?

1. The lock that key fits into? Is all. about. timing.

I decided not to send the letter about how I'm feeling but when she comes back I will talk to her and read it to her. When she is ready to listen.

2. Did your therapist warn you that telling a DV/Rape victim how much they hurt you by taking the time they needed for themselves is likely to end the relationship on the spot, unless handled very carefully?

She did not. She mostly said it's important that you communicate how your feeling when I feel the timing is right. And check in with myself each day to make sure I'm doing okay. Then set a boundary for myself for how much I'm willing to endure in this relationship.

 

[Friday]

She did not. She mostly said it's important that you communicate how your feeling when I feel the timing is right. And check in with myself each day to make sure I'm doing okay. Then set a boundary for myself for how much I'm willing to endure in this relationship.

It’s a lot like telling a woman she’s fat.

There are ways to do it, and have it not blow up in your face.

Very, very, careful ways.

Unfortunately, there’s no one right way. (Although a gay best friend comes reeeeally close, even that isn’t foolproof.) Because no matter how pure your motivation? How deep the concern? How dangerous it is to her health? How much you love them? How serious it is to you? How much it’s effecting the relationship? How much they’ve gained, how quickly, or why? Soooooo much comes down to the synthesis of their personality and yours. It’s not enough that it’s true. (Except for the very small subsection of women for whom ‘Just the facts’ IS the best way to approach them).

 

[rsal57]

So, she has no idea how hurt you are by her absence. But to be fair, you’ve similarly got no idea what she’s going through right now either. Which means neither of you have necessarily done anything wrong - it’s just what each of you needs right now isn’t lining up.

What this is likely to mean is that she needs space from you right now, and she needs time to prioritise her own wellbeing (above your priorities). It’s a good thing she’s able to recognise what she needs to look after herself right now (because she’s been through a shittonne in a very short space of time), and that she’s able to prioritise that.

If her self care means “space from you”, then this is very unlikely to be the last time she needs to be absent for a period of time. As much as it is distressing for you, that’s what a partnership with this (and many) ptsd sufferer is going to look like.

You’ve asked her what’s going on, she’s given you a response. So I’d recommend giving her time and space. Yes, communicating how you feel may be important for you. But this is a very typical ptsd coping strategy, and adding guilt for making you miserable isn’t necessarily going to be helpful for her, or your relationship.

UPDATE: I woke up to a cute message of a meme on instagram so I guess that's progress? I took it as a check in saying "don't forget about me and I'm still here." I guess baby steps is the answer right now. It's a positive so I'm glad to get something besides radio silence and it's really only been 9 days since her last check in. I'm not messaging or calling her. I liked the picture and left it at that. I'm going to continue giving space and waiting.

 

[Tinyflame]

I could be wrong of course, but the meme might be more to let you know she hasn't forgot about you.

Good luck to you both.

 

[rsal57]

I don’t think I can hold out much longer. I’m going to send her a message saying I’m really confused and sad in her absence

 

[Friday]

I don’t think I can hold out much longer. I’m going to send her a message saying I’m really confused and sad in her absence

That’s totally fair.

Everyone has their own soft & hard limits regarding isolation and contact.

Some need daily check-ins. Others weekly. Some go months without blinking.

If you’ve hit your limit? You’ve hit your limit.