Lucycat-I agree with you. I know that many of us identify with this, and if he could not get help with all of his resources, how can we. I know that it reminds many of us how hard and bleak times are, but I am glad that you keep yourself in check with how you are thinking, please keep pushing to not dwell on it.
His position in life can be an asset or can hinder him in getting the help. He really needed to take a couple of years maybe without making any public appearances and using his time in another way that he did not feel the need and pressure to make people laugh.
People had expectations of him that they do not have of us. I think people would have been understanding if they knew his situation and saw him truely sad, but that doesn't matter, thats not what he wanted to portray and show maybe, and it may have been more than he could do because of who he was.
I was no celebrity so I can't say, but I live in a small town and was a good mental health therapist with a specialized practice. I sacrificed many years of my time and finances to get my masters and achieve the education I needed to do the work that I loved. I had an absolute passion for my work. While I was blessed to be able to love my job, I lived with integrity and was well respected. I was a single mother of two teen girls and and excellent role model for them. I was very protective of my cubs. I was looked up to by many. I had great friends and a social life as well. Then I had a bad fall. I knew I was different and was struggling and this brought on depression and anxiety. I began abusing alcohol. I put on a mask and continued to work for more than 2 years. Part of me wanted to give up my private practice and take a few months off to attend to myself. Part of me feared that if I took the mask off and dealt with my perspective and life reality, I would never be the same. In this little city that I live in, everybody knows everybody elses business and there is much gossip. When someone has an affair or goes into rehab or anything-word spreads quickly. Grant funding cuts came about and I made the decision to take the time off. I started treatment for depression and anxiety as well as lasting effects of a traumatic brain injury that left me unconscious.
At first I was hopeful, even though I knew that in such a small community, many knew I was having problems as I was open. I did not announce my problems, but I did let other professionals know. Only 4 months into my time off, I was beat up by a cop who insisted I was someone else. That was 5 years ago. Within a year I was diagnosed with ptsd. My fears -that if I took my mask off completely and dealt with what I was going through, might take me to a place that I cant recover from, and prevent me from returning to the good life that I once had, all came true.
Things did not have to turn out this way. I could have done the work I needed and been well enough to go back to what I loved in a year or so. (I had a messed up childhood and past trauma that I had managed). Being assaulted and kidnapped by a cop (he called it an arrest for nothing) brought up every other thing that happened in my past. Much more happened during this assault, I was paraded around people I once worked with , with breasts showing and banged up. Unfortunately, most people believe cops and if you are in this position, you did something bad. However, I know with certainty that the prosecutors and magistrates and others know the truth, they just never had enough balls to stick their neck out and stand up for me publically. They live in fear that they will be a target.
I have no arrest record but just had another surgery last week from this assault. My medical bills have exceeded 100 K, I am and was less than 115 pounds and 5'5' female without so much as a speeding ticket. I manage my depression and anxiety with excellerated bouts of it. Suicide is always in the back of my mind. I am a recluse pretty much. When I do go out, it brings on anxiety much of the time.
I relate to Robin Williams on this-if you let your mask down, if you show your true self, etc,, there are some out there that are out to bring you down, to cut you off at the knee's, to see you as weak and attack. And inside the self is a fear that I wont be able to survive what that attack is. You dont know unless you take the chance. I took the chance and I lost. I counseled wives and partners of police. I know which ones have journals of plans to get even with the city, which ones beat their women, which ones stay up all night on a porn site. They know I know. I was a professional, would have never used this information. Still wont. They cant take my integrity-even if he stole my life.
I regret taking the time off. I wish I would have pushed forward and deligated other aspects of my life to others, like having my husband come and live in this big house to care for and finish raising my children. Their values were instilled and they would be who they are. My oldest daughter abused me horribly and I couldn't cope after the head injury. Before the injury, my intuition, persistence, energy, and good judgement kept stability in spite of her. I was ashamed that I was a competent therapist and could not keep myself safe from her. She was elated that I failed.
