Relationship Passive Agressive Or Just Setting Boundaries?

[amethist]

Maybe taking the emphasis of the "Sex" itself step2, and just feeling the closeness could help a lot more.

If you can both look at it as the icing on the cake, it may just take the pressure off of you for now. You can love someone without having to prove it in any way.

My sufferer and I have been together for 12 years, married for 9 and had PTSD in the mix for the the last 5. The icing on the cake is how we now see it, and it makes it less of an obligation, if that makes sense.

 

[freakofnurture]

Our girls already show signs of letting men treat them like crap and just accepting that is how it is. (...) Once the kids were at school and I did not hold back. I said exactly what I thought and felt and he actually backed down and shut up, but I can't do that when the kids are here because it causes them to be afraid.

I think it'd rather cause them to see that it is okay for a woman to stand up to a man. Especially since your husband responds in a desirable way to you standing up to him.

Protecting your kids from a bit of being afraid might just not be worth it if it prevents them from learning that women are not to be treated badly by men.

 

[step2]

I do see sex as the icing on the cake, but he sees it as his right and an actual NEED for his mental well being. To me that is the same as having a drink or smoking or whatever to calm down. In my mind, sex should be about sharing something special and enjoying the closeness.

The girls do get to see the blow ups and hear my side of why I do what I do. I also try to help them see what is causing him to get so frustrated. In no way do I make excuses for the behavior. They need to know underlying hurt that causes things to get distorted in his head from what is actually going on and what he is really reacting to.

They love their dad even more BECAUSE they are being told about his tramas instead of just seeing the anger blow up and thinking he is just a jerk.

I also want them to know that you don't just leave when it isn't the way you like it. You have to put aside the hurt feelings and defensive words and actions and really try and figure out what is behind the smoke screen of anger.

My husband says when he feels backed int a corner, he goes into fight or flight mode. The anger outburst is like setting off a smoke bomb so he can retreat and go evaluate what really happened. He is so used to blowing up so everyone will back off and leave him alone.

I am realizing that he feels backed into a corner when emotions and feelings that he is not comfortable with surface in during a given moment or situation. Because he is emotionally stuck at the level of a seven year old, he has not learned to deal with the experience of being uncomfortable with the feelings. To just feel it and accept that somethings we can not control and don't always like is a matter of exposure.

Aspergers also creates quite a barrier to communication. Like ADHD, Aspergers keeps a person from being able to learn and understand social cues and norms. They act and feel awkward so they get made fun of and become hyper sensative and defensive.

I often have to explain myself like I am talking to a young child. That does not go over well because he thinks I am talking down to him. In reality I am just trying to prevent misunderstandings that lead to anger outbursts.

 

[step2]

Update: It is almost as if my husband has figured out my username here and read my posts.

He has been so much better. There hasn't been a blowup since I joined this forum and started this topic.

One possible reason is he had been getting testosterone pellets implanted every three months to treat low testosterone. One of the dr's he sees thought it would help some of his symptoms that cause anxiety and other health issues. I had a feeling that it was too much and finally told him so after he yelled at me that he gets that done for me.

I wasn't even here when he and the dr decided to try it, I was in another state for three months. I asked him to give it a break and see how he feels. He says he feels so much calmer and like he can actually relax.

Sex hasn't been a sore spot for us either since the last implant wore off. It made him act like he did when he was 19. Not something compatible with my current age and hormone levels.

Be very careful if your partner is being seen by several different dr's. If they are not familiar with ALL of the things going on, a treatment can make some unrelated things worse.