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It's been a real solution in my life. And hard lessons learned from it, is all :) No sorry needed.
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Peeping Tom Or Erotomaniac Roomate
- Post starter Kailani
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It's been a real solution in my life. And hard lessons learned from it, is all :) No sorry needed.
- Moderator
- #27
Sideways
VIP Member
On reading your posts, my gut is kinda (sort of, but not) with @Friday - what you've written doesn't set off my "physical danger" radar. "Personal space" alarm went off loud and clear, and personally, I don't think I'd go too well with a roomie peeping through the curtains. That by itself would have me scrolling the papers for new digs.
That said, the non-verbal cues that we pick up from people are so (soooo) important. The last neighbour I had that made me feel physically unsafe, I would've had a hard time putting it in writing exactly what it was about him that set of the alarms for me. I rarely feel like I'm in physical danger from people, it's just not a worry that I seem to have. But when it's there, it's usually just "something" about them. Unfortunately, historically, my alarm system has been spot on.
The reason that I say that is mostly the comment about the pets - are the pets safe? You had that thought cross your mind. And maybe it's just stress-cup overflowing and hypervigilence and, and, and...
But maybe it's not. Like I said, the non-verbals can be hard to describe, but if someone was acting in a way that made me genuinely concerned for not just my physical safety, but also my pets'? Personally I'd be listening to that alarm.
Get people onside. Talk to your landlord, bring it up in passing conversation with other roomies, keep notes, and don't be afraid to tell him, "I need you to leave me alone/not touch me/not talk to me" if you get a chance when someone else is around. Frank, non-freaked out statements like that make it really clear to someone: hey buster, I'm noticing what you're doing, and it's not okay. If you can put that boundary in place and consistently maintain it, the threat that you will take it further if he doesn't back off may be enough for him to get wise and leave you be. His accommodation is potentially on the line, and letting him know that he's risking that may help encourage him to check his behaviour.
That said, the non-verbal cues that we pick up from people are so (soooo) important. The last neighbour I had that made me feel physically unsafe, I would've had a hard time putting it in writing exactly what it was about him that set of the alarms for me. I rarely feel like I'm in physical danger from people, it's just not a worry that I seem to have. But when it's there, it's usually just "something" about them. Unfortunately, historically, my alarm system has been spot on.
The reason that I say that is mostly the comment about the pets - are the pets safe? You had that thought cross your mind. And maybe it's just stress-cup overflowing and hypervigilence and, and, and...
But maybe it's not. Like I said, the non-verbals can be hard to describe, but if someone was acting in a way that made me genuinely concerned for not just my physical safety, but also my pets'? Personally I'd be listening to that alarm.
Get people onside. Talk to your landlord, bring it up in passing conversation with other roomies, keep notes, and don't be afraid to tell him, "I need you to leave me alone/not touch me/not talk to me" if you get a chance when someone else is around. Frank, non-freaked out statements like that make it really clear to someone: hey buster, I'm noticing what you're doing, and it's not okay. If you can put that boundary in place and consistently maintain it, the threat that you will take it further if he doesn't back off may be enough for him to get wise and leave you be. His accommodation is potentially on the line, and letting him know that he's risking that may help encourage him to check his behaviour.
- Post starter
- #28
The thing I've learned about erotomaniacs if you keep no contact- that is the way to go. Any contact sets off their delusion whether positive or negative contact. And I tried to just say hi and keep it nice Roomate but he went back into his wife delusion. Also no contact upsets them and they start getting worse, which is what he did. Then they get angry and may damage property or your pets or you. He wants me to be married to him. That's whack! Being a nice Roomate doesn't automatically move you to marriage. I am very protective from past experiences of my window and they say an Erotomaniac will scope out a place of attack before they do so...My hope is he moves because he is far more in a position then me. One of my roomates moved out today so I'm not sure if I should stress the landlord at this time. I am also looking at options. That is extreme stress for me and I feel unfair to me and my pets. Unfortunately or fortunately I also have had my radar spot on.
Can you give more details on this? I know you mentioned it but I'm confused about whether he came right out and said it or was dropping hints or what
- Post starter
- #30
He has stated he wants this to be a family house where we eat family meals and sit at the dining room table and watch movies together. He has said the other two roomates are like the kids and we are like the parents. He has talked to me about why I don't cook family meals, collect flower things and the woman's role in a house... Many other insinuating comments and pressure that I am not supposed to do yard work or fix a screen and he bought Lysol for me to clean and that I need to clean because there is dust on the floor and counters... Like its only my job with another female and male Roomate. Just too much to list
- Post starter
- #31
He got angry and started yelling at me today because I was in my room studying yesterday and avoided him. I told him I didn't want to talk and he kept yellin then he stormed out. One other Roomate was home. I have a lock on my door but did look at the lock suggested above. Looking into getting one soon. Great to have and great suggestion; especially being portable!
- Moderator
- #32
Sideways
VIP Member
Some of those things he's said are pretty creepy...
And maybe that's all it is, and all he'll ever be - just plain creepy. But you might mull on the idea of dot-pointing some of those things he's said (just straight simple facts) and take it to your local cop shop and just make them aware of the situation. I found that a big comfort with my ex-neighbour. I was straight up with the lady-cop, "I have ptsd and am not in a position to make a formal complaint, but it would be a relief to me to have this reported in case the situation escalates."
She took my details, and my neighbour's details, and yeah, it worked out in my favour that they had the situation on record in the long run.
And maybe that's all it is, and all he'll ever be - just plain creepy. But you might mull on the idea of dot-pointing some of those things he's said (just straight simple facts) and take it to your local cop shop and just make them aware of the situation. I found that a big comfort with my ex-neighbour. I was straight up with the lady-cop, "I have ptsd and am not in a position to make a formal complaint, but it would be a relief to me to have this reported in case the situation escalates."
She took my details, and my neighbour's details, and yeah, it worked out in my favour that they had the situation on record in the long run.
I find myself wondering if he's drunk or on drugs when he does these things. Not that that makes it any better .. Honestly, i don't think this guy is going to back off. I think you're going to end up being forced to move out. I'm not sure if he's really suffering from erotomania or if he's just incredibly socially inept and maybe drunk. But he's definitely creepy.
scout86
VIP Member
Let me begin by saying, I could be wrong.
The way I'd look at this is, we all have our fantasies. His doesn't sound especially dangerous, mostly annoying. He probably isn't going to understand "subtle". The nice thing about that (the way I look at the world) is that then you don't have too worry about being his feelings. If I was you, if live my life and be sure never to miss a chance to say I'm not interested in his fantasy. "Yeah? Well I'm nobody's mom!" Tell him you hate to cook. Tell him you hate people. Tell him the truth, but do it in plain, unmistakable language. You can't be to blunt. It doesn't sound like he's made any actual threats, had he? He's provided unwanted attention and be slow to back off. It's easy to read "threat"into that, but he may have no idea he's creeping you out. Some guys actually think this behavior is "charming". Have you tried showing obvious anger? I mean obvious to HIM. That might mean something that seems over the top to you.
The way I'd look at this is, we all have our fantasies. His doesn't sound especially dangerous, mostly annoying. He probably isn't going to understand "subtle". The nice thing about that (the way I look at the world) is that then you don't have too worry about being his feelings. If I was you, if live my life and be sure never to miss a chance to say I'm not interested in his fantasy. "Yeah? Well I'm nobody's mom!" Tell him you hate to cook. Tell him you hate people. Tell him the truth, but do it in plain, unmistakable language. You can't be to blunt. It doesn't sound like he's made any actual threats, had he? He's provided unwanted attention and be slow to back off. It's easy to read "threat"into that, but he may have no idea he's creeping you out. Some guys actually think this behavior is "charming". Have you tried showing obvious anger? I mean obvious to HIM. That might mean something that seems over the top to you.
- Post starter
- #35
- Post starter
- #36
Just an update; told my roomates yesterday and they said when the guy moved in the sister had warned them that he wasn't right in the head, that he got kicked out of his sisters house for going after his teen niece sexually. They said to tell the landlord. All quiet here now. Thanks guys!
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