People Who Don't Like You Setting Boundaries

[Meadowsweet]

I am just beginning to practice being assertive with my personal boundaries. It's only online, but in the hope that it will build my resilience to doing it face to face with people if needs be. Also, with it being online, is that i get to read back over what I've written at a later date, to assess whether it sounds ok, and I'm not being over the top or coming across as rude. And I don't think I am.

But sometimes it doesn't matter how well you put it, people don't necessarily understand why the boundary is there, and don't like the fact that I'm saying no to something that they want to do. And I guess that is a common reaction. I'd feel a bit hurt if I found I'd been doing something that another person found difficult.

But when someone reacts online, I find I'm having to go away and deal with what comes up in me emotionally. But online, you have the space to walk away in the middle of a conversation to bring the anxiety down. But face to face, that choice often isn't there. At the moment, I feel I would go to bits if I was face to face and this happened.

Maybe it is just about keep trying. But I'm thinking it could be that trying could put me off more, knowing that those negative reactions could be there if I was assertive. So I'm struggling with what to do.

 

[nursenurse]

You know, you struggle so hard to fight for yourself. Those who choose to not understand or accept your boundaries, need to be shown one more. The other side of the door. Without a second thought from you.

 

[anthony]

Boundaries can be difficult to assert, especially when people are used to you one way, then suddenly... boundaries start appearing from you and the dynamics of any relationship changes as a result. Not every conversation or communication requires boundaries, and that is something one must also factor. Boundaries have to go both way, especially in communication. It is a give and take basis that sets boundaries on a communication to communication basis.

The other problem, is that we're often our own worse enemy, in that we want people to like us and as a result we introduce ourselves to others with less restrictions on our value and belief system boundaries. Then we try and slowly increase them, changing the dynamics from the original base we established. Interesting how we do things when analysed.

 

[Philippa]

I found this one challenging as well. One 'friend' with a borderline diagnosis reacted extremely badly to me laying boundaries, and my therapist helped me understand why. Some people have no concept of boundaries at all...and will react very strongly to you asserting them. I guess with others, it's like anthony said, they get used to you a certain way and then you start to change and it puts them in a funk for the routine being broken. It takes time to adapt to the changes, so all I can say is keep going and don't go back to the way you were before, because then they will learn that you aren't serious and shouldn't be taken seriously, and that will make it ten times harder to start again.

 

[Pencil]

we're often our own worse enemy, in that we want people to like us and as a result we introduce ourselves to others with less restrictions on our value and belief system boundaries.

OMG, tell me about it!

 

[marylouise]

I think if you keep doing it, you get used to it. And it feels so good. : )

 

[jmni]

I read Controlling People... by Patricia Evans and she had a lot of useful information about people like this. I think the first thing to understand is that if they do not understand boundaries that is about them and not you. It also very likely that they are controlling types, then its probably better to distance yourself from them if you can. If its someone at work its going to be more difficult. I'm a bit tired right now so I don't have any ideas to offer, but I recommend the book for explaining the topic better.

 

[Pencil]

Thanks @jmni - I need all the help I can get! I'm terrible at setting boundaries - mainly because I absolutely fear an angry response. I can't cope with others' anger.

 

[shimmerz]

I am starting to explore this with my psychologist. We are talking about my 'permeability' of spirit. I tend to fall into other's energy rather than holding my own. @Pencil, I walked away from the last meeting my p and I had and realized through the course of the day that it is about the safety of not holding my energy - falling into someone else's instead.

@jmni Patricia Evan's is awesome! She has a website and many Youtube videos as well if anyone is interested.

@marylouise I am starting to feel the freedom of allowing others to own their own stuff and not take it on. It does feel very freeing but for me it was getting over that initial 'second guessing myself' and feeling uncomfortable fitting into new patterns.

@anthony, I went through a very large shift in the people that I allowed to surround me, so your thoughts are something to prepare for.

especially when people are used to you one way, then suddenly... boundaries start appearing from you and the dynamics of any relationship changes as a result.

This was quite uncomfortable for me but I am grateful that I did it. I prepared by looking for a 'group' of more like minded people as my boundaries changed. They were spiritual healers and helped me tremendously in my growth and allowed me to practice on them with great consideration and kindness.

@Meadowsweet, I can so relate to your dilemma of online vs. offline boundaries. Offline can send me as there seems to be no filter sometimes so I don't know who I am really dealing with but I have a heck of a time in person as I go mute and cannot speak. I no longer bash myself up for it and will approach that person again but I am so very afraid of angry responses, as @Pencil says that it is tangible to me.

 

[Pencil]

'permeability' of spirit. I tend to fall into other's energy rather than holding my own

I've been aware of this for a long time, and it is a MASSIVE problem for me!

 

[shimmerz]

@Pencil, me too. I just haven't known what to do about it. I am surrounded by spiritual healers right now who are giving me some very good strategies. That along with the cognitive stuff that my p is providing me with is helping me to see where things are going wrong with me. Such a trap. I am happy to follow the trail, however, as I have tasted the coolaid of not having this fear (I am recognizing it is about large men) and I want to live without this fear. I wish you all the best in your journey and hope that I can be a useful part in it.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The other problem, is that we're often our own worse enemy, in that we want people to like us and as a result we introduce ourselves to others with less restrictions on our value and belief system boundaries.

That's not necessarily that we have less boundaries to begin with though - the boundaries may be there, but we can't introduce ourselves with a list of do's and don'ts, so boundaries really only get talked about if a person gets close to, or inadvertantly crosses the boundary.

It's got me thinking though, maybe if a more intimate relationship ever came about, it would be necessary to make some boundaries clear early on?

Some people have no concept of boundaries at all...and will react very strongly to you asserting them.

I think this is made worse when online, I think people who probably do have more boundaries in face to face life can sometimes lose sight of 'normal' behaviour online. Although this person has crossed the same boundary numerous times. She doesn't seem to like me much, and I get the feeling that she does it in an attempt to get a reaction.

I pointed out the boundary months ago, and ended up leaving the site for several months to get some peace. But this time, because I left before, I want to stand my ground and stay. Since I got back to the site, I have not risen to the bait, in the hope that she will give up, but she hasn't.

She is someone that thinks she can mind read peoples feelings, thoughts and issues, and will tell people her personal analysis of them. She also writes threads about her clear-sightedness and how she has overcome all her own issues and helps others. For me, because of the nature of my issues, that's not just something I don't like, it's potentially damaging to my recovery and on-going mental health. Mind reading has left me feeling psychologically trapped, and that has triggered flashbacks in the past. So it's an essential boundary.

I'm proud of myself for how well I'm handling it, and not relating it to being trapped. But, as someone still trying to convince myself that setting boundaries face to face, won't put me at any physical risk, and the fact that people do take it badly and react, isn't doing much for me in terms of gaining confidence.

I read Controlling People... by Patricia Evans and she had a lot of useful information about people like this. I think the first thing to understand is that if they do not understand boundaries that is about them and not you.

Thank you, I have a pattern of getting involved with controlling people, so this might be worthwhile.