People With Parts: Do You Have To Schedule Time For Each?

[Silver.]

I don't go through this, but from what I have read, I think it would be good for you to talk to her. Let her know that you understand it is hard for her to see a woman's body. I think the more you talk to her, and let her know that you understand, the less upset she will get, because she will feel like she is being heard (if this makes sense?)
x

 

[Dissociated1]

My heart goes out to you, theshadowoftheliving. My 13 year old female alter had a horrible time coming to terms with finding herself in a 48 year old man's body. It took 3 years of therapy, a tremendous amount of compromise on how to groom the body we share and a transsexual transition level dose of female hormones to quell her dysphoria. Much like "Rip Van Winkle," she and my 8 year old Child alter both experienced horrible flashbacks when they became self aware and realized the world they knew, everyone and everything was gone.

Perhaps you could ask this young part of you what might help? A piece of jewelry, her very own pocketbook, an outfit, something for her hair, whatever the two of you can agree on that reinforces her sense of self? I suspect showing the young part you care about her wants and needs may be very important to her.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

The above suggestions are excellent.

First, when that little is out, don't look in a mirror. Why upset her?

Second, talk to her about all of this. Engage her in conversation. Essentially, treat her with compassion, the way you would any child.

I had DID up until a couple of years ago. Probably the most important thing I ever did to integrate my alters was to treat each one like a real person with real feelings and real needs. Think about it: If you had a little girl of that age, how would you comfort her? What would you do to shore up her self-esteem?

Ask her what she likes to do. Maybe she wants you to take her to the library and help her pick out picture books to check out? Maybe, next time you go to the grocery store, she'd like to help you choose the flavor of ice cream?

Ben

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm so new to all of this. I don't know how to talk to her. It's like she's either taking over or totally missing and I have no idea how to transition between the two.

Perhaps you could ask this young part of you what might help? A piece of jewelry, her very own pocketbook, an outfit, something for her hair, whatever the two of you can agree on that reinforces her sense of self? I suspect showing the young part you care about her wants and needs may be very important to her.

Ask her what she likes to do. Maybe she wants you to take her to the library and help her pick out picture books to check out? Maybe, next time you go to the grocery store, she'd like to help you choose the flavor of ice cream?

I'm really frustrated because I have absolutely no idea how to do this. This is all brilliant advice, but until she's in the front, I can't access her, and I'm terrified to let her out when I'm functional. What if she takes over? What if I can't get control back?

I just want to kill her off.

 

[Sideways]

My 12 year old started to become self-aware when one of my T's, who knew he was talking to her, told her to look at her (my) hands. Of course, what she saw was 30-something year old hands, not little kid hands. Apparently didn't cope too well with that at the time.

Since then, there's been quite a few terrified journal entries from her writing about how she feels like she's trapped in someone else's body and someone else's life. Even things like not being in the right city and the right state, and really heartbreaking stuff about "how am I going to get home" and "how is mum going to find me".

It's still a work in progress. The biggest shift for her came from learning internal communication. One of my parts has spent a lot of time reassuring her that she's not alone, that there's quite a few of us living in the same body, and while it is scary and confusing and other people don't seem to understand, she's never actually alone.

I'm still working on encouraging her to ask for help when she gets scared like that. Truth is, I'm with you - why can't I just get rid of her? Fortunately there is a part in there that knows how to be reassuring and patient.

Internal communication is something that came with a lot of practice. Lots of time sitting down and consciously asking my parts to come out and talk to me. It can be its own nightmare, because we fight like feral cats, but gradually the different parts have come to understand how the system works.

I can't say it's easy, or that I've nailed it yet. But practicing internal communication, for me, has been really key. The 12 year old has enough trauma to worry about without feeling like she's stuck in someone else's body on top of it all.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I'm really frustrated because I have absolutely no idea how to do this. This is all brilliant advice, but until she's in the front, I can't access her, and I'm terrified to let her out when I'm functional. What if she takes over? What if I can't get control back?

I just want to kill her off.

You talk to her just like you talk to anyone else. She might not answer you - especially at first - but she will hear you if you talk. In fact, you must assume that she can hear EVERYTHING you say.

NB: If you continue to talk about wanting to "kill her off", she will be frightened of you and less likely to want to communicate with you.

Think of her as a real 3-D child, and you will have a sense of what to say and do with her.

Even if you don't get a response, there are still things you can do:
1. Take her to the library. When you leave home, say, "We're going to the library now. I have a book I want to check out for myself, but we will also go to the children's department and look for books for you." When you arrive at the library, say, "Stay close to me. Hold my hand." When you get to the children's department, offer some ideas for books. Listen and feel inside for a hint that one or more books may be preferable. Check them out. If you get nothing from her one way or the other, check out a couple of books for her anyhow. Tell her that maybe she will like these. At home, sit somewhere comfortable and read them aloud to her. Listen inside for any sign of responses.
2. Talk aloud to her, even if she doesn't talk back. When you are in the car alone, for instance, pretend that you have a frightened or sad child of her age sitting next to you in the passenger seat. What would you say to that child? Speak aloud to her, even if she does not respond.

Regarding "Letting her out":
- Letting her out at safe times, generally at home - at least at first - is a good way to take care of her as well as get to know her.
- Keeping her locked up is cruel. Would you lock up a child in your home? Why would you do this to her?
- Letting her out at safe times is the best way to ensure that she DOESN'T grab the body and come out whenever she wants. Just like a child kept locked in a room will do anything to escape, an inner child kept locked up without any power will grab any moment possible to come out.
- When you cannot safely allow her out, say so. For instance, when I went to the classroom to teach, I would speak to my littles quietly aloud and say, "Now, I have to work for an hour. I have a whole class of teenagers to teach. This is not a good time or place for you to come out. Please go in your room and play with your toys. I'll let you know when it's safe to come out again." And then keep your promise!
- Buy a toy - maybe blocks, take them home, and invite her to help you build something with them. Talk to her aloud, even if she doesn't answer.

You're going to need to work at this, especially since you've been talking about 'killing her off".

Remember: You two SHARE this body. Neither of you is any more or less important than the other.

I lived with DID for many years before I integrated all of my alters. Message me or start a new thread and ask for my help, if you need it. I will be glad to do so. There is too much information for me to give over in a single post.

Ben

 

[Sideways]

ou're going to need to work at this, especially since you've been talking about 'killing her off".

Don't feel bad though! It's really normal to not get along with some of your parts and, frankly, to want their demise! There's been other threads about this in the past.

I agree that you need to work at it to get in touch with her and make her feel safe. Those two things go hand in hand - she'll communicate better the safer she feels.

Thing with my 12 year old, I can say what I like out loud, but the internal dialogue happens almost unconsciously, and she knows. Of course she does. Getting one of my other more diplomatic parts to be an intermediary has been really helpful.

If you feel like "talking" isn't getting you very far, I find writing down what I want to say really helpful. It seems to be an easier way to get all of my head to pay attention when I'm writing a letter to them. Even if they don't respond, they hear.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid that acting like she is real will give her strength. She can
T be real. I don't have DID. I'm not multiple. This can't be real. I just keep hearing an led therapist of mine telling me that if I just try harder it will be fine and I just need to make sure my behavior is normal and the it will all be fine. I'm tired of fighting the feeling of slipping though. I tired of trying to perform when I'm dizzy and disconnecting. I just want it all to stop.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

DID is far from the end of the world. DID is not like what you see on TV or the movies.

You can have DID and be just fine; there are many many multiples in the professions - you'd be surprised. I am (well, technically was) a multiple, and yet I have a BA and two graduate degrees. No one would have guessed that I was a multiple back then - or now.

As one of your therapists said, just act normal and you'll be fine.

Ben

 

[Dissociated1]

theshadowoftheliving wrote:
Placate…Kill off…Control…

Denial is a very normal reaction, theshadowoftheliving. And so are fear, frustration, and wanting your alters to go back to wherever they came from so it can all be over. I remember being terrified my female alter would take over and of how that would affect my life and marriage. She fronted for my System the 3 years I was in junior high; I had every reason to believe she could do it again. This struggle is common for newly self-aware systems. Years of pent up emotion fuel newly aware alters desire to want to kill off the host or other parts of the Self. The host/primary alter finds himself threatened with having to share what he always believed to be his own.

As difficult as it was for me to accept, there was very little I could do to influence the other alters in my System. Each of us has our role to play and comes to front as needed to cope with different emotions, trauma or daily life. The “power” I thought I had was an illusion; Primary or host, I was just one more alter in my System. I never was doing it by myself; my alters were always there doing their parts in the background. As host I have limited power of hostile takeover to remain in front. But it is given to me to be used wisely for the good of the System, not for my own selfish needs or to try to control the others in my System. The solitary self does not win when one alter gains at another’s expense.

It's like she's either taking over or totally missing and I have no idea how to transition between the two.

That’s called dissociation. You and your alter do not share consciousness. Accepting that an alter is real will not give him strength; it will make each of you aware of the roles you have always played in your life. There isn’t much you can do to speed up the process. This will improve as you progress through therapy and begin to heal. When I began to acknowledge and accept the other alters in my System, to understand their needs are as important to them as the things I want are to me, our relationships began to improve and we became more and more coconscious. This process went so much better with my 8 year old Child alter than it did my 13 year old female alter. I had learned the hard way what I needed to do.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I feel like I responded the other night as if drunk, but I wasn't drinking, for the record, just having one of those moments where I could feel myself moving out of my daytime work persona into another state that can't comprehend writing and language in the same way. Those moments between ways of being scare me more than acting different than myself.

I'm struggling also because my therapist (soon to be ex-therapist) told me that my diagnosis is DDNOS, not DID. So, I don't want to give strength to ideas that don't exist, or trick myself into thinking that I have alters when I don't.

But, that said, I'm having trouble squaring my experiences with the idea that this is only DDNOS. But the voice of an old therapist of mine keeps playing in the back of my head, too, telling me to stop acting like anything other than the work version of myself (that doesn't need therapy because she's so factual and pragmatic). That therapist would praise me for managing to stuff the other stuff down (the stuff that happens when the little girl pops up or out). It's really hard to break that habit and I'm scared of what will happen if I do - past therapists (who weren't even very good in so many ways, and that I'm glad for moving away from) emphasized behavioral control above all else.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Denial is a very normal reaction, theshadowoftheliving. And so are fear, frustration, and wanting your alters to go back to wherever they came from so it can all be over. I remember being terrified my female alter would take over and of how that would affect my life and marriage. She fronted for my System the 3 years I was in junior high; I had every reason to believe she could do it again. This struggle is common for newly self-aware systems. Years of pent up emotion fuel newly aware alters desire to want to kill off the host or other parts of the Self. The host/primary alter finds himself threatened with having to share what he always believed to be his own.

I'm not sure where the line is between me having denial of things (like my system, and the characters or alters or whatever you want to call them that inhabit it) and me recognizing that I'm just not DID. I'm so afraid of making things up that don't exist. I vacillate between thinking that DID fits so well and listening to therapists tell me to stop exaggerating things. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I have. I've always just invented what other people want to see - why can't I invent my way out of acknowledging that any of these experiences happened?