General Person Dear To Me Has PTSD. How Can I Help?

[inpuressa]

A women I know suffers from symptoms of PTSD. She had an abusive marriage since a certain incident (husband's shortfall), and even miscarried from the stress involved from the incidents. She wandered around for 2 years trying to find a way out of the nightmares and anxiety. The problem though, is that she returned to her husband after these refresher trips which I think doesn't help at all. The husband is generally a nice person, but things get ugly when they start to talk about how to fix things between them. It has come to a point where she fears his presence.

I met this woman about a year ago, and she slowly opened up to me after divorcing. I tried to help her the best I could, and during that time, I madly fell in love with her. At first, it may have been from sympathy, but as I started to know her better, she was just the right person for me. I knew she had traumatic problems. She needed medication to stay asleep,anxiety headaches, scared of loud noises, insecurity, can't truly trust people but scared of being alone, pretty much the symptoms of PTSD. She is such a delightful person to be with when those symptoms are not present. She has tried therapy, but said that it did not help.

We both know we have strong feelings but she tells me that she just can't trust me deep enough. She knows it is hurting me, and doubt that she can make this work out. But I want to be by her and help her out, even if our paths separate in the end. I am even starting to think my presence is actually making it hard for her to recover...

She said she needs some time on her own to decide whether she wants to keep our relationship going. I guess the only thing I can do now is to keep some distance and let her think?... Is there anything else I can do for her so she can get on the road to recovery? I just want her to be able to smile more often and live the person she truly is.

Thanks for reading

 

[RatInaMaze]

The hardest thing for me to accept is that for some reason I am my husband's stressor. But, I can't help him get past that. He is seeking therapy and I have my own therapy and support system. I am trying to look for the small things he does to show me he loves me. Like, calling and asking what time I will be home for dinner. They are very small things, but they are all I am getting. A friend of mine whose husband has suffered from PTSD since Vietnam, recently told me that each couple needs to give their 100% to a relationship and if the sufferer gives tiny bits, that IS their 100% at that time. Her marriage has survived and is now thriving. She is my example of strength and hope.

I have am learning to give him space. We have been sleeping apart, but the other night I asked him "Do you want company tonight?" but he couldn't answer me. So instead I asked him if he wanted to be alone. He said no. So we slept together. At first he was just "letting" me hold him, but by the time he was asleep he was holding my arm for dear life.

 

[Jawn]

I would suggest giving her time and space to sort things out. Also, she really needs to try therapy again, but possibly with a different therapist. Sometimes it just doesn't work with a therapist, but changing to another can make a huge difference.

Coming on here and reading up on the disorder and asking questions is a BIG HELP for you to learn about PTSD. And how to help her, but you do need to realize that you can not force her to go to therapy, you can not fix her, and your relationship make be very difficult if it does move forward. She needs to WANT to get better and go to therapy for your relationship to have a chance.

Just my 2 cents,

Jawn

 

[Michael G.]

Give her time and encouragement, but remember, you can't recover for her. As much as others have tried to help me in the past, I had to go through everything I went through to get where I am today, and when I was ready...and ONLY when I was ready did I begin to open up about my suffering and really trust others.

I had to develop a trusting relationship with two therapists over a period of two years before I was ready to speak of the horrors I had experienced. They turned out to be experts in the field and did their homework on my behalf. Not all therapists are willing to do that. Sometimes I've had to fire crackpot therapists because they were either incompetent or had hidden agendas of their own. That's real. But there are good therapists out there; one needs to be careful, but when a good therapist comes along, they're as good as gold for those with PTSD. So be patient.

The issue of trust is difficult for everyone at some time or another. But it is much more a problem for those with PTSD. Most important...be trustworthy. That's my best suggestion.

Mike G.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Inpuressa,

Stress, good or bad, is difficult for anyone with PTSD to handle. Just the thought of a new relationship or taking the one you have to a new level could increase symptoms. Just be patient as it takes some time to process and acclimate.

ITL