So my PTSD/complex trauma began brewing eleven years ago and it boiled over two years ago when it most severe and disabling (lost my job, friends, house, fiance, dignity...you know). I spent one year in hell (in and out of hospital, psychosis), and half a year in meditation and discovering myself and even certain elements of grace. I studied Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, lots of Alan Watts readings, and just breathing and being still. For the first time in my entire life my fractured ID was gone, I was/am becoming whole and it's so exhilarating I could scream. I'm so happy, even with the setbacks and emotional flashbacks, random triggers...I'm learning not to take PTSD personally but as a chemical, medical thing--it is my mind, not my soul, and I can deal with that in a scientific way. YOU'RE MIND IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. I can separate the PTSD and all its glory from who I am in my soul. I feel proud of myself (when I'm not having a Bipolar depression or PTSD setback), I'm taking my life back into my hands. I spent a lot of time hiding however (during the time I was finding peace) and the hiding began crippling me. I needed change and I needed to start this life I reconstructed (still am building and designing who I am). I haven't worked in two years and so I enrolled (now that I'm stronger and willing to slowly step out into the social world) into a CNA class at the community college. What's going on? I'm socially crippled. And this brings shame and loneliness and way low self-esteem. How? When, inside, I'm better than I've ever been? Where's my personality? It feels like I have none, unless I'm talking with people that understand PTSD. In class I feel like I have "nobody" printed on my sleeve. I'm doing well, acing tests, but when it comes to interacting and socializing I find myself having little faith in what I have to offer. I'd like to say "Screw it, they don't know me" but what kind of attitude is that? Ignorant. I don't really take to heart what others think of me, it's about what I think of myself as a social being. A friend. I return to class every day with my head high, but I shatter my own expectations right away. I recognize old thinking patterns re-emerging. Anyone out there know what I mean? Any advice or even better, anyone ever been there?
I forgot to add--my meds (abilify and seroquel) caused me to gain a lot of weight and I'm very self-conscious about this. I used to be so fit. I'm the heaviest in the class and, as I was taught when I was young by my father, that's something to make fun of. I'm humiliated by my own body, and I shouldn't be.
I forgot to add--my meds (abilify and seroquel) caused me to gain a lot of weight and I'm very self-conscious about this. I used to be so fit. I'm the heaviest in the class and, as I was taught when I was young by my father, that's something to make fun of. I'm humiliated by my own body, and I shouldn't be.
