I was placed in an involuntary psychiatric hold this weekend. My husband and I went out on Saturday night, stopped by a few holiday parties and had a really great time. Then when we got home I went into the bathroom and a very destructive part took over. I've experienced this part a few times, but never at this level. It's the part that wants to get a knife and carve my skin off. I was able to recognize what has happening and yelled for my husband to call my therapist. It was 10:30 at night at this point, and THANK GOD my therapist answered. My memories from this point on are very fragmented. Apparently I was trying to trick my husband into going out of the kitchen so that I could get at the knives. He was physically blocking me. My therapist told him that he either needed to get me to the emergency room or call 911. I know that I talked to my therapist on the phone, but don't remember the conversation, then I just put the phone down and wouldn't talk to him. My regular self was able to fight back enough to go to the emergency room so that 911 wouldn't have to be called. I was able to calm down once I was there and there were no knives available. I was there until 5am when they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital. I talked to the doctor there at about 9:30am and he didn't really know what to do with me. Apparently they don't see this type of thing very often. Like, my actions weren't about wanting to kill myself, I just wanted to carve my skin off. They let me go at that point since I'm mostly pretty stable and have a good support network. The doctor suggested I try guided meditation. Sure, doc.
This whole thing was terrifying. Up until this point I've been able to trust that dissociative parts that take over keep me safe, even if their methods aren't necessarily always socially acceptable. That is no longer true. It was especially scary because there were no warning signs and no trigger that I can identify right now. It might have been me looking in the mirror in the bathroom but I can't be sure. My husband can usually tell when a part is starting to surface, but he didn't this time. It was just so fast and overwhelming. Now I'm scared for myself, and my husband is terrified for me, and little bit of me. In the meantime I guess I have to continue on with my life. Made it to work this morning.
This whole thing was terrifying. Up until this point I've been able to trust that dissociative parts that take over keep me safe, even if their methods aren't necessarily always socially acceptable. That is no longer true. It was especially scary because there were no warning signs and no trigger that I can identify right now. It might have been me looking in the mirror in the bathroom but I can't be sure. My husband can usually tell when a part is starting to surface, but he didn't this time. It was just so fast and overwhelming. Now I'm scared for myself, and my husband is terrified for me, and little bit of me. In the meantime I guess I have to continue on with my life. Made it to work this morning.
