Hi. Um. This is really long because there is so much in my head right now and I didn't know where to start. I have not been diagnosed with anything because I've never been to therapy but I have made a bit of self-diagnosis based on my history and my own research of PTSD. Maybe you guys can help!
I'm 25 years old, female, and can remember back to certain incidents starting at 7 years old onward. These incidents included sexual abuse from my brother "Bob" we'll say, and sexual, physical and emotional abuse, bullying, and ostracism from neighbor boys and kids at school because of my looks and behavior. I coped with this by changing my behavior more and became animal-like and a tomboy - In case I needed to escape, I learned how to run very very fast and found refuge in high places, like trees - I thought I was a cat and would hiss and scratch at people, which made them make fun of me more. I also learned how to be emotionless and aggressive, and bullied others in return. I don't remember most bullying, but my friends from that time do and have told me about it. They nicknamed me the "emotionless rock." I was also very perverted.
When I was in high school, I bloomed, so my looks were no longer the problem, but I was extremely embarrassed for my parents to know about my body developing, so I also developed a bit of anorexia and bulimia from 16-22 to stop myself from becoming woman-like and staying fit enough for escape, if needed. When I was 17, my mom was diagnosed with bladder cancer that was almost inoperable. Luckily she survived with major alterations to her body, but I remember even during that time when we almost lost her, I felt nothing. Also during that time, I had gotten caught up in the wrong group of friends at school. My friends suddenly turned on me over a boy, and began harassing me every day during and after school, stealing my belongings from my locker and my house, taunting me on the bus, trying to run me down with a car, and four of them tried to break into my house when they thought nobody was home (I was home and had luckily chained the lock).
During my first year of college when I was 19, I started carrying around a purse and succumbing to womanhood. I went out to party with my other brother "John," but that night he tried to sleep with me (he's 9 years older than me), which messed me up, and one week later, I was raped by a guy I thought was my friend. My brother "John" died in a motorcycle accident the following year, leaving our unresolved issues forever unresolved and me wondering if I should ever forgive him. Then, I met a guy from Germany who was super Christian, a virgin, he didn't want sex or kissing until marriage, and I thought he'd be the perfect solution to my perverted past - so we got engaged after 2 1/2 months. He was controlling and passive aggressive, didn't like showing affection, and was known to throw pencils at my face if I was even giggling out of control, but I didn't realize those things at the time. 2 years later, we got married and then I started grad school. At that point I became socially incompetent, I was afraid of people on campus, and would sit on the floor and rock back and forth in the morning before class to get mentally ready. 3 months into the marriage and grad school, I started to suspect my ex-husband might be gay, so we separated. I was ultra confused, not knowing what was "good touch" "bad touch" anymore, and gave in to one too many men during that year.
During finals week of my first year of grad school, my father passed away from a quick bladder / lymphoma cancer that him and my mom had mostly kept secret from the family. I hadn't seen him in 6 months, but they refused to let me come home to see him in his last days because I had tests and responsibilities at school. The next year, I went abroad to Jordan to live and work for 13 months and currently have a boyfriend over there. It was my escape from all peer and family troubles, however, troubles followed me over there too. I had to come back to the US because the trials and errors of a developing country took a toll on my sanity. I was paid $3/hour, there was bullying in my workplace, I came down with a respiratory problem, men chased me down, I even had a guy slightly kidnap me for a day, I could not have hobbies that didn't involve getting harassed (running, climbing trees, sunbathing), felt degraded as a woman and detached from the freedoms I'm used to. My physical and psychological health were deteriorating rapidly, I had no desire to wake up in the morning and all of my latent emotions from the past started surfacing. I was becoming aggressive all over again, and lashing out because I felt so trapped. I literally fled that country and returned to the US in a state of toxicity. I was angry for a month straight and I was having major short-term memory loss and experiencing tremendous guilt. My mom would ask me to do something, and I would forget it one minute later. I've been home 3 months now and have improved quite a bit, but still can't shake the trauma because I am finally faced with the suffering at home that I missed out on all these years. My mom still thinks highly of her son (the one who tried to have sex with me), but since he died I feel like I can never reveal this secret to her and have to carry the burden myself and endure hearing the family gush about him. To add to it, she has been unemployed for a year and I have a part-time job, so we are economically strained and around each other all the time. She's got her own set of traumas from our family losses too, which makes her stay at home isolated a lot, sleep in the living room with the lights on and be hypervigilant and protective. Fortunately, I have found that exercise and diet are helping to ease my nerves, but there is only so much running a person can do. Without it I would be chronically plagued.
One of my long-time friends had a traumatic experience with an ex boyfriend (nothing physical, just loud, obnoxious, drunk and prolonged), but now she claims to have PTSD and is making herself the center of everyone's attention over it as its the first traumatic thing that's happened to her. I tried to give her some advice based on what I knew from my experiences, and she completely brushed me off, dismissing my experiences as nowhere near legitimate in comparison to hers (if only she knew). This really hurt my feelings, and triggered me for the last 3 days straight into another bout of anger and despair. Just the fact that I'm still angry about it makes me even more angry.
I started researching PTSD wondering if would help explain myself... then I discovered C-PTSD and it sounds pretty dead on. What do you all think? I wish I could afford some therapy and get some relief on all of this. Hopefully this forum will help. Thanks ahead of time for any insight.
I'm 25 years old, female, and can remember back to certain incidents starting at 7 years old onward. These incidents included sexual abuse from my brother "Bob" we'll say, and sexual, physical and emotional abuse, bullying, and ostracism from neighbor boys and kids at school because of my looks and behavior. I coped with this by changing my behavior more and became animal-like and a tomboy - In case I needed to escape, I learned how to run very very fast and found refuge in high places, like trees - I thought I was a cat and would hiss and scratch at people, which made them make fun of me more. I also learned how to be emotionless and aggressive, and bullied others in return. I don't remember most bullying, but my friends from that time do and have told me about it. They nicknamed me the "emotionless rock." I was also very perverted.
When I was in high school, I bloomed, so my looks were no longer the problem, but I was extremely embarrassed for my parents to know about my body developing, so I also developed a bit of anorexia and bulimia from 16-22 to stop myself from becoming woman-like and staying fit enough for escape, if needed. When I was 17, my mom was diagnosed with bladder cancer that was almost inoperable. Luckily she survived with major alterations to her body, but I remember even during that time when we almost lost her, I felt nothing. Also during that time, I had gotten caught up in the wrong group of friends at school. My friends suddenly turned on me over a boy, and began harassing me every day during and after school, stealing my belongings from my locker and my house, taunting me on the bus, trying to run me down with a car, and four of them tried to break into my house when they thought nobody was home (I was home and had luckily chained the lock).
During my first year of college when I was 19, I started carrying around a purse and succumbing to womanhood. I went out to party with my other brother "John," but that night he tried to sleep with me (he's 9 years older than me), which messed me up, and one week later, I was raped by a guy I thought was my friend. My brother "John" died in a motorcycle accident the following year, leaving our unresolved issues forever unresolved and me wondering if I should ever forgive him. Then, I met a guy from Germany who was super Christian, a virgin, he didn't want sex or kissing until marriage, and I thought he'd be the perfect solution to my perverted past - so we got engaged after 2 1/2 months. He was controlling and passive aggressive, didn't like showing affection, and was known to throw pencils at my face if I was even giggling out of control, but I didn't realize those things at the time. 2 years later, we got married and then I started grad school. At that point I became socially incompetent, I was afraid of people on campus, and would sit on the floor and rock back and forth in the morning before class to get mentally ready. 3 months into the marriage and grad school, I started to suspect my ex-husband might be gay, so we separated. I was ultra confused, not knowing what was "good touch" "bad touch" anymore, and gave in to one too many men during that year.
During finals week of my first year of grad school, my father passed away from a quick bladder / lymphoma cancer that him and my mom had mostly kept secret from the family. I hadn't seen him in 6 months, but they refused to let me come home to see him in his last days because I had tests and responsibilities at school. The next year, I went abroad to Jordan to live and work for 13 months and currently have a boyfriend over there. It was my escape from all peer and family troubles, however, troubles followed me over there too. I had to come back to the US because the trials and errors of a developing country took a toll on my sanity. I was paid $3/hour, there was bullying in my workplace, I came down with a respiratory problem, men chased me down, I even had a guy slightly kidnap me for a day, I could not have hobbies that didn't involve getting harassed (running, climbing trees, sunbathing), felt degraded as a woman and detached from the freedoms I'm used to. My physical and psychological health were deteriorating rapidly, I had no desire to wake up in the morning and all of my latent emotions from the past started surfacing. I was becoming aggressive all over again, and lashing out because I felt so trapped. I literally fled that country and returned to the US in a state of toxicity. I was angry for a month straight and I was having major short-term memory loss and experiencing tremendous guilt. My mom would ask me to do something, and I would forget it one minute later. I've been home 3 months now and have improved quite a bit, but still can't shake the trauma because I am finally faced with the suffering at home that I missed out on all these years. My mom still thinks highly of her son (the one who tried to have sex with me), but since he died I feel like I can never reveal this secret to her and have to carry the burden myself and endure hearing the family gush about him. To add to it, she has been unemployed for a year and I have a part-time job, so we are economically strained and around each other all the time. She's got her own set of traumas from our family losses too, which makes her stay at home isolated a lot, sleep in the living room with the lights on and be hypervigilant and protective. Fortunately, I have found that exercise and diet are helping to ease my nerves, but there is only so much running a person can do. Without it I would be chronically plagued.
One of my long-time friends had a traumatic experience with an ex boyfriend (nothing physical, just loud, obnoxious, drunk and prolonged), but now she claims to have PTSD and is making herself the center of everyone's attention over it as its the first traumatic thing that's happened to her. I tried to give her some advice based on what I knew from my experiences, and she completely brushed me off, dismissing my experiences as nowhere near legitimate in comparison to hers (if only she knew). This really hurt my feelings, and triggered me for the last 3 days straight into another bout of anger and despair. Just the fact that I'm still angry about it makes me even more angry.
I started researching PTSD wondering if would help explain myself... then I discovered C-PTSD and it sounds pretty dead on. What do you all think? I wish I could afford some therapy and get some relief on all of this. Hopefully this forum will help. Thanks ahead of time for any insight.
