Playing "normal" Instead Of Hiding

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Today was my parents' 39th wedding anniversary. My husband, my sons, and I went to spend the day with them. I was pretty tired this morning, but got to take it slow getting out of bed and getting ready. Everything started off well, even the hour drive to get there wasn't too bad.

But then came lunch. My husband and I had decided that we would take them out to lunch. We all walked over and had a nice time while waiting for food. We ate and chatted and were happy. After we were done eating and waiting for the check, my dad suddenly jumped up and exclaimed, "What the ...!" He the got up and ran out of the restaurant. We were seated outside near a busy road. I turned to see a pick up truck stopped and a man lying in the middle of the road. People were stopping their vehicles and getting out to help. Many were calling 911. I got my husband and my mom to take my boys into the restaurant. I was completely triggered and didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't help take care of my boys at that moment but I also knew I didn't want them watching this scene. The man was not hit by a car, but had apparently stumbled out into the street and then fallen. Luckily the traffic was able to stop and not hit him. The ambulance came and took him away.

I felt so sick. I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom, but I also didn't want anyone to know how upset I was. So I stayed put, paid the bill, and accompanied my dad to the arcade to find the others. We played games and then went for a boat ride. I played "normal". I put on a happy face and was a bit overanxious about the boys being on the boat, but otherwise I was okay- at least on the outside.

Much later when we got home, I was exhausted. My husband said he would make dinner, I put on a show for the boys, and I went to nap. My youngest followed me though. And I was too tired to do anything about it so I let him play in my room. I am not sure what happened, but eventually he melted down and started crying. I was struggling to maintain control so that I would not switch into my angry part. I failed and did switch. Then, I got control and cried while my son was crying. I wanted to get my husband or bring my son too him, but I was too afraid of switching to the angry one again and doing something I shouldn't. I kept thinking "all I have to do is pick up my son and cuddle him", but I could not do it. Eventually my husband heard the crying and came to get my little one. I cried and hated myself and felt rage boiling within me. I hid under my covers and was pretty miserable.

About 10 minutes later, it was dinner time and my husband came to get me. I waited until I heard it being quiet downstairs and then I joined them. I was still sniffling. I put on the normal act just like earlier in the day. I went through the motions.

And now there are fireworks booming from downtown which are following the loud music from nearby. I am so triggered, but I am sitting here trying to plan lessons for the first day of school. I need to be "normal". I can't start the beginning of the school year like this. I don't know how to find that balance of acting like everything is okay and giving myself permission to take care of myself. I've spent all summer working on that and now I feel like I am already failing. If I had let my emotions out after the man fell in the street, would I have had a better day? I think the answer is yes, but I don't know how to let them out when I am around others.

 

[CoolBlue]

I tend to let my emotions out pretty quickly, and I think it helps... but that's a tough situation you described - not really a safe place to let things out. I'm sorry :(. An escape to the bathroom sounds reasonable though, or a short break alone in the car.

Also - fireworks and loud music nearby... I know I'm completely triggered and worthless if either of those situations are present, so I've been trying to make no decisions, take no actions, and try not to think (ha) if those things are going on. I hope it's quiet now, and you're feeling better!

 

[Brokensoul88]

I know that problem too well. I have to put on a face at home & out because few know I have PTSD I smile & sometimes go too far the other way talking too much and being too chirpy. I've found it harder lately to get the happy/normal exterior right. Are you seeing anyone? A counsellor or anything? You mentioned the angry side, what about trying an outlet for that anger like punching pillows or tearing up old sheets/rags when you feel the anger? I predominantly just feel really exhausted, shakey & really distraught after putting on a face out in public but I have started to feel more anger lately. I too need to learn how to deal with this. What about having a code word with your husband that means u need to just be alone or find somewhere to let yourself be yourself? I hope you find a way soon

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

An escape to the bathroom sounds reasonable though, or a short break alone in the car.

I thought about that, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Plus, if I did go to the bathroom I would have thrown up for sure and I am trying hard not to do that. We walked, so no car. I should have taken a walk out back, but again, I just put on "normal" and went with that. Thanks for your thoughts.

Are you seeing anyone?

Yes. I see a great therapist twice a week.

You mentioned the angry side, what about trying an outlet for that anger like punching pillows or tearing up old sheets/rags when you feel the anger?

I have dissociative identity disorder, I am not in control when the anger takes over. However, my therapist has been working with that part on safe ways to express the anger. One thing that has worked in the past is ripping up phone books or magazines. Sometimes bouncing a ball. Definitely need to work out how to get away from people in situations like that. I thought I was doing better with this, but I realized I'm only doing better with that in my home and not when around other people. Thanks for sharing your ideas.

 

[littlelostchild]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve , I totally get what you are saying about the need to be 'normal'. I am also heading back to school and I will hold my emotions until I can get into a safe place. I've been off for a long time, so I don't know how it will work.

All I can say is that we will try our bests. It is all we can do while we find our way to authentic selves. It's not going to be easy, but we are strong. We have caring, patience and empathy - gifts from our trauma that we share with others (among other skills). We will find our way because we love kids and we are strong.

I will be thinking of you as you return back to school and know you will be doing an amazing job with the support of your school admin team. Remember to use them, they are there to assist you.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Do you have a theory about fireworks being triggering?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

All I can say is that we will try our bests. It is all we can do while we find our way to authentic selves. It's not going to be easy, but we are strong. We have caring, patience and empathy - gifts from our trauma that we share with others (among other skills). We will find our way because we love kids and we are strong.

I think I will write this down and so I can re-read it. That was beautifully said, thank you. I wish you luck with the beginning of your school, tool.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@KwanYingirl - I think the fireworks are triggering because they are loud. I've always found them a bit scary, but before I viewed them more with awe and some trepidation. Now, I pretty much just get scared. Perhaps the loud part is a trigger from the car accident, but I am not entirely certain.

 

[MaybeOneDay]

@littlelostchild you replied "I am also heading back to school and I will hold my emotions until I can get into a safe place."

I have been trying to alternatively put myself back into "normal mode" and/or trying to get people to understand that I have a serious problem and need help. Your post just made me feel so much better as does this site. I, too, teach and this is exactly how I feel as I work. It is just so affirming to read someone else express this...

The understanding and reading of how others cope with their symptoms and continue to be successful in their careers, means the world to me. I have been trying to be different than I normally am (hiding my symptoms and trying to act "normal") and to seek help... One statement I hear a lot on this journey: if you really did have C-PTSD, you would not be capable of keeping and/or succeeding in your line of work.

I too am going to write this post down to help me realize there are others like me as I try to find therapists/doctors to help me.

Thank you for your post!