General Please Give Me The Other Side Of The Story...

[Jen93]

I was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago when I was in eleventh grade.

My trauma does NOT have to do necessarily with family,( they never hit me EVER, just the typical ignorant, full-time job, "We love you but we are stressed about work" parents) mostly school and such. I also hid my trauma from them at the time, or my family shrugged it off... my psychiatrist says they don't understand how traumatic it really was for me.

Anyway, I know that as a sufferer, I'm going through denial, anger, sadness, isolation... but... what do they see?

They don't understand how something as simple as my Daddy tapping me on my left shoulder to say "Good Night" after he's had a long day at work (and this is the only chance we really have to talk) can trigger, and make me sob myself to sleep. He thinks I'm just being unaffectionate.

My mother's fights with me are awful. "I don't believe you have PTSD! I think you're depressed!" she shouts, but she was RIGHT with me when the psychiatrist diagnosed me.

My mother tries to "be the therapist" and find out my trauma.. but they don't understand WHY it's so traumatic.

I dissociate too... I don't know how to cut my food, and then my parents get fed up with me and embarrassed of me; I'll also say things such as "Don't hit me!"- which makes them yell at me, and then that makes it worse for me. I text my mother stuff like "Can we go home? We can leave Daddy here." "Come pick me up, school is over." And I have no memory of it, and then they think I'm faking.

Their favourite saying is: "This is Bullshit. Think of the nice things." "It's weird you're remembering this stuff now."

I also flash back mostly at school, and then they get mad at me for that. They seem to think I LIKE getting confused, not knowing who my friends are, and crying in classes because I'm scared.

I guess, my question is: What can I do to make them snap out of the denial?

I've given them pamphlets- They won't read them.

I've directed them to a website- it listed causes like Combat, Rape, Natural disasters, it didn't list bullying, so they read no further.

Is it normal for supporters to be in denial? (It's been two years since I was diagnosed) What other emotions can they go through? I'm trying to see it from my family's perspective, but it's just not working, and it makes me more stressed.

Would it be helpful if I tried to do what they do on the show "intervention?" Like sat my parents and my little brother down with my psychiatrist and therapist and be like "Your denial has affected me in the following ways..." "This is what you should do to be helpful.."

Or should I just put up with it? Is it just part of the natural process?

I know this is long, so I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read this everyone.

 

[sisu]

Hello Jen93,
I can give you a perspective of a parent, however my kids don't have PTSD but my boyfriend does so I do understand being a carer too. :)

As a parent you want only the best for your children....better than you had yourself. You hate to see them struggle with school or friends - or anything. If you hear of your child being bullied, it is devastating. It truly is heartbreaking as a parent to see your child hurting. I find myself crying when they cry at times. If your parents have any mental health issues (stress issues, panic, etc.), they may not be able to fully wrap their head around and accept your problems. Denial may be easier for them because then they don't have to deal with it. They don't have to deal with the pain they would feel to fully accept your pain. I call it the "ostrich syndrome"....bury your head in the sand and hope the scary stuff will go away. My parents were sort of like that ~ they liked no conflict whatsoever and would deny any issue just to avoid conflict. Somehow, this made me into a strong person and a strong advocate for my own children because I knew what it felt like to not have that support. However I was not bullied at school, so my conflicts were less severe than yours.

It sounds like you have tried talking to your parents and explaining it to them. I would try talking to your psych doc or therapist to get their perspective. A sit down with the family might be a good idea ~ but don't get your hopes up too much. It's possible that they may never be able to fully accept your PTSD - and maybe they are just doing the best that they can. We all have our crosses to bear ~ some are just bigger than others.

I hope you are able to find peace with your family. (((((hugs)))))

Sisu

 

[Jen93]

It's just so irritating, their conflicting views. One minute they'll say "Stop crying, this is bullshit, it happened five years ago." the next minute they'll say "What's wrong? Why don't you tell me what happened?"

My friends are my world right now- because of the fact that they view my anxiety and my flashbacks. They understand; they can handle the dissociation- I just can't get it through to my parents. I'm sure if I were triggered as much at home as I am at school they would probably no longer be in denial, but they get angry when I do flash back and they think I'm doing it on purpose.

They also think that it's like something that "you can get over" and "be cured"- like with cancer. I can't explain that it WILL "go into remission" like cancer, but that it CAN come back at any time and that I can't control it.

It's not like I wake up thinking "Oh I think I'll dissociate during Cultural Studies and have a flashback during my break".

They are also sort of private people. They don't like that I told the school of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and my parents believe that I should dump all my problems onto them- even though it falls onto deaf ears.

I also sort of don't want to run the risk of traumatizing them. I try to keep away, I ignore them sometimes because I don't want to be emotionally abusive to them, and I don't really want to go to the movies or ball games with my parents because they would just be completely bewildered, embarrassed, angry and mad if I dissociated or had a flashback. I can't explain this to them though, until they realize that this is permanent, I have PTSD, and it's beyond my control.

 

[PTSDMama]

I agree with Sisu, that maybe you need to talk to the therapist.

My 6 year old has PTSD and from a parent's point of view it is heartbreaking. We, like you (and him), never know what's going to trigger him. So he could be perfectly calm, and the next minute he's running through the house screaming at us and wanting to hurt us.

So sorry you and your family are experiencing this. I hope that the therapist can be helpful to you...we have a therapist and she has been so great for us!

 

[Pale Warrior]

It's horrid when we as sufferers have to carry the burden of others ignorance, so sorry you are facing this.

We can't choose our parents, and they come with their own baggage - preconceptions, prejudices, belief structures, life experiences et al. You don't say how old they or you are, and there may be generaltional issues to overcome.

For example, when I tried to kill myself at 15 instead of my parents asking why, they hushed it up and refused to ever speak about it. My father was born in the 1920's and the shame of mental illness ran to his core. 20 years later, after his death, I tried to talk to my mother about it and she became angry, blamed me for digging up the past and closed down the subject.

Years later I worked through alot of these issues in therapy, and saddly I agree with PTSD Mamma, you may have to rely on your therapist to get you through.

I don't know the details of your/their life so this is just my opinion, but your parents, like everyone, need to not only to take in new knowlege/information but also to process it and aply it to their own experiences and lives. I might take time, but don't give up just yet.

Take care of your self, x

 

[Tinyflame]

I think you can only love them where they are, try to forgive them, seek help in other ways.
I am sure they do love you.

 

[Eleanor]

Jen,

I've been thinking about you for a couple of days, and I don't really know what to add, except to say that some people are just - for whatever reasons - limited. I don't know if my story will help you at all - but my folks are extremely nice and hardworking people. People used to tell me how lucky I was to have my mother for my mom- they thought she was so terrific- but I couldn't ever quite "see" it. So many people said stuff like that tho, that I figured they must be right. It took me until I was forty to figure out that my parents are deeply screwed up. They are - as one T a long time ago said to me - "an inch deep and a mile wide." They are very good at appearances. They have developed denial into an art form. They accommodate seemingly effortlessly. Everything in their world is pleasant. Really. Everything. Sounds great right? Maybe, unless you are a kid for whom everything is not pleasant or happy or... whatever it is that it is supposed to be. Not that they ever treated me "badly" or were mean, or abusive or ANYTHING that anyone could conceivably object to - they were just nice all the time. But they never stood up for me, or taught me to stand up for myself. They never helped me learn to deal with grief, or sadness, or anxiety, or love or joy or.... anything. They just "disappeared" everything out of the "comfortable and pleasant" range. Which, as it happened, included a lot of me. I got very good at just "disappearing" anything "bad" too. I never felt hurt, or angry, for example. I am exceptionally even tempered. I don't show fatigue (which is really hard on my H) or illness. Until I snap at him (which is an accomplishment!) he cannot tell I am irritable most of the time. I don't look sick unless I am deathly ill. I am always, ruthlessly "Fine." And I can tell you it has caused me no end of trouble in my adult life. I had very poor/no boundaries. I am a 'rescuer,' and my first H was a not-doable project that I finally gave up on. I could go on, but I think you get the general idea.

Given all of the rotten stuff that people who develop PTSD have had to deal with I admit I feel really really dumb even mentioning this "stuff" :notworthy: but sometimes absence of response is a problem too. My dad is kind of aspergers - y - he has a hard time seeing things from other's point of view and has not much imagination. My mom compensates for him continuously. This, plus suppressing her needs and feelings, takes up most of her energy and bandwidth. I don't know what your folks are like - it sounds like they are at best preoccupied and at worst kind of checked out. I'd talk to your T about it - maybe an "intervention" would help maybe not. Ask you T if it is worth a try.

It is not your job to protect them - if they get freaked out - they are adults and that is their burden to deal with Not Yours. 'Kay? You shouldn't have to "explain" it to them - it is their job to get themselves educated on it. It's more than fair to ask (strongly) that they learn about it. Again, this is something your T and you should take up. Become prepared for the possibility that they may not be able to step up, even for you.:( But give them a fair opportunity to do it. They may just be clueless. Deeply clueless. Or they may just be limited like my folks are - although I have to say I probably have not given them the number of "opportunities" I could have if I'd understood better. I wish there were magic words that would get through to them - and maybe there are... but I'm not sure how one goes about finding them.

I am glad you have good friends, and a good T. That and a commitment to treatment will get you through and to a much better place. This is a great site with super support, lots of experience, and reliable information. I hope you will take full advantage of it. Welcome (slightly late!):)

Wishing you peace and healing,
Eleanor

 

[PTSDMama]

"It is not your job to protect them - if they get freaked out - they are adults and that is their burden to deal with Not Yours. 'Kay? You shouldn't have to "explain" it to them - it is their job to get themselves educated on it. It's more than fair to ask (strongly) that they learn about it."

Eleanor put this perfectly. It IS their responsibility as your parents to figure it out! I know it wasn't needed, but just wanted to support you and reiterate this idea.

 

[JohnJohn]

Jenn,

I hope things are moving in the right direction for you. Everyone above seems to have said it all. Remember that everyone expresses love and caring differently. Ignorance on what's going on with loved ones maybe bliss for some, but it is not a good excuse either. Family members can have faults with giving emotional support, but its out there. I hope you find and see the love, support and strength out there others show you and you deserve.