So, I have to go in to have a lump removed from my eye to have a biopsy done on it tomorrow. I asked K to take me, because I'm petrified. He told me Friday he'd think about it and let me know. I told myself I'd be okay with either answer. Clearly since I'm writing, I was lying to myself.
Things have been getting better and we've been getting "closer". He's been responding, we've been talking more, and I've been taking LK regularly. This surgery is scaring the heck out of me. I have to be awake with my eye forced open while they remove the mass. I'm petrified. I honestly thought he was going to step up and do this. He's been here a lot more, including our "Christmas". But he's declined on taking me. I don't understand it at all. I can't see past my hurt and disappointment right now. I guess before he said no, I knew the possibility existed, and new it was likely he wouldn't do it, so why did I take this so hard this morning?
He texted me, "I have thought about this all weekend and it's something I am not comfortable doing for a few different reasons. I feel a huge amount of empathy for you in this situation. And it will continue to remain in my prayers. If you want to discuss it briefly on my ride home, I will."
He's at his parent's home again this weekend. He said when we talked Friday that working with his dad in the workshop these last couple of months is a safe space for him right now. He also told me what he's working on in therapy is how not to play the victim and he's trying to do that by making his own decisions without worrying about the "general consensus" then being resentful after.
The reality is, he's pushed away everyone, even his son...and the only answer for anything is "no". How is that any better than the only answer being "yes"? If you make decisions in a bubble away from everyone, how can you call that a "decision" at all? The only decision he's made is to isolate himself from everyone except his father with early stages of dementia. I guess, yeah, it's his choice, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now.
I'm so hurt that this is going to be one of those decisions. I'm hurt that I can't matter too. I mean, I can understand that he's having trouble with the decision and he's willing to talk about it...but it still hurts. How do you tell someone you love them, they're your best friend, that you're the only person they know they can trust, etc. then not be willing to be "uncomfortable"? Don't tell me you have empathy, then make a decision based on only his comfort. I'm struggling with this right now because I'm in the middle of it. He told me last week he just needs more time. Well, in this case, I don't have time.
Do any of the other isolators here have any perspective that can help me be a little more understanding? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I honestly don't understand. I want to be patient and understanding, but I feel so dang alone at this moment. I know he loves me...I know he's hurting...I'm trying to be the "bigger person". ...but it hurts like hell right now.
