Please Somebody Help Me.. Do I Have Ptsd?

[Jann2]

I'm a girl in my senior year of high school. Things are so bad right now. I'm teetering on the brink of killing myself. I have terrible social anxiety, panic disorder, and possibly agoraphobia. I can't even LOOK at people because I think they are going to hurt me Physically. Even judge me, or think I'm ugly and not worth it. I know you will probably suggest therapy but i can't do that right now. I just need a lot of advice. I also know it is long, but please help. Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the help.

A lot of stuff happened with my family. These things are pretty difficult to talk about, and when I think about them I can't believe it happened. When I was 10, I specifically remember around that age, my mom shoved me to the bathroom wall where the towels were. She started suffocating me and I thought I was gonna die. I think she wanted to kill me..I'm not sure. So a few months later (still 10 years old) our family went to a neighbor's house and I had a bad panic attack. The ambulance was called and my fingers were locking up and I thought I was gonna die. It was really embarrassing. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was suffocating. My parents thought it was because i sometimes overthink things like there was a lecture at my school talking about dying if you can't breath for 5 min. I associated having that panic attack with that lecture from school but I think the panic attack was caused from the abuse. I went to therapy (still 10 years old) for the panic attacks, which I consistently kept having, and the therapist somehow got me to tell her what happened (didn't say it was my mom). I've had more panic attacks including a public one. I've also had nightmares when I was young but i couldn't connect the dots at the time. I'd have night terrors and I couldn't sleep. After therapy, I felt better but years later the pain is resurfacing. I somehow managed to repress the memory for years.

Other things happened, which I think are my fault, things with my dad as well. But I think all this f*cked me up. All of these intrusive thoughts keep coming back and sometimes when they are done, (they last for a few seconds), I feel like I was away. When I'm at home alone, the intrusive thoughts aren't that bad or constant.

I don't talk in any of my classes. I'm pretty much mute and I always feel like someone will hurt me. I feel so alone and the guilt is unbearable. I'm trying to rationalize everything and make it seem like it wasn't that bad. I want to confide in one friend but I'm scared. but What the hell is wrong with me? Am I just overreacting? Or could I have ptsd?

Than you so much for the help.

 

[franciemarnie]

You certainly could have it. If you can't see a therapist or doctor for diagnosis, arm yourself with knowledge. Read the articles on this forum about PTSD. See how it can happen and what people do to help themselves.

I had it in high school long ago and far away, but they didn't even have that term yet. I drank to deal with it. Not a good idea.

I know it is painful in so many ways. Start your own recovery now until you can see a doc, and try to see one ASAP.

Sending hugs if okay.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Jann2,

Welcome to myptsd. I'm so sorry you're experiencing these things. It sounds like you're going through a very tough time. It's possible that you could have PTSD, but no one on this site would be able to diagnose it. You'd need to see a medical professional for that.

As Franciemarnie suggested, research/study up on what it is your feeling/thinking/experiencing. Doing so will help your understanding. However, its likely that therapy and maybe medication might be needed to help you move from where you are now to living a more happy fulfilling life. If you don't mind me asking - why do you say therapy isn't an option?

Drew

 

[wyrd_dragon]

Hey there. You are not over-reacting honey. This is awful but I think (considering what you've described) it's a normal reaction to have to what you've been through. You have all my sympathy and cuddles if you need.

A couple of things, and please understand I'm a problem-solvey type of person so feel free to ignore/not reply if this is too much.

a) are you still living with your parents and is the abuse ongoing?

b) do you have a school counselor/counsellor still you can talk to? Not for 'therapy' as such, but someone you can talk to about what has happened? I understand being scared to, but your situation is really worrying and I think it's best you get some sort of professional on your side. Even if it's just to sort out ways you can attend school easier or to address your home situation.

I'm not going to insist you get therapy as you've said you can't handle that right now. However I'm worried that (if you're still living with abuse) your situation is going to be really deleterious to you getting on top of these symptoms. It sounds like you're (again, reasonably) in a pretty hyper-aroused and terrified state when you're around people much of the time, as you say it calms down a bit when you're alone.

If therapy/possibly medication isn't something you can access right now, I'd suggest looking at self-soothing resources. Breathing exercises of many sorts can be good for easing panic. Anything you can find to soothe you and help you feel safer is good. I used to carry my little toy dragons to University to help me feel safe. I also used to use books, audio books and music to help me ignore intrusive thoughts. I usually wouldn't advocate isolation, but anything is better than uncontrollable suicidal ideation. So if you feel better physically on your own, try to spend some time by yourself if you can in a soothing environment. Try to stay connected to people here/online/etc so you don't end up too isolated. That can just make things a whole lot worse in the long run.

These are only bandaid measures, though. But they may help you manage until you feel you can do therapy/address the situation more directly.

Hang in there.

 

[Jann2]

Thanks for the help. And Drew, I tried going to therapy junior year but I just couldn't tell the therapist. It wasn't helping.

 

[The Albatross]

Jann, it's hard to know what to say. I was in difficulty at your age. Therapy wasn't an option in my family (back in the 70's). I was a chronic truant and did my work but seldom participated much in class. I didn't identify with peers because the things they thought were problems were minor compared to the abuse I was dealing with at home. Ultimately, I told my counselor at high school as I just couldn't see how telling a friend was going to help. I was mentored in my high school by a psychology teacher and did a whole lot of reading about the dynamics of what was going on in my family. I don't want to read into what you wrote too much as you didn't say what your home situation is right now.

I'm glad you are reaching out if you are in a crisis. I'm glad too that you are aware that what you are experiencing are difficulties that need to change. Smart young person. I hope you can find direct assistance face to face in your community. One thing I never regretted was being honest and candid about what I was experiencing to my counselor and the head counselor and the psychology teacher. They helped me a lot and were about the only reason I graduated high school with a diploma.

 

[The Albatross]

Cross posted with Death Ray... but whole heartedly agree on the idea of looking at stress reaction / panic attack management ... breath work works well for me and so does aromatherapy.

 

[Jann2]

Thanks so much for helping. And yes i still live with my parents but I don't talk to them or at least I try not to as much as possible.

 

[Jann2]

What's killing me is the guilt. I keep trying to rationalize what happened.

 

[megan_bethea]

I suggest you start watching anime...especially One Piece...no matter what happens in this life we must strive forward! Those that have known pain can only become stronger from it! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! I know that you have been beaten to the ground but you must find the strength to rise up and keep walking! <3

 

[DMerish]

Have you talked with your doctor about your anxiety, panic attacks etc? He/She may be able to help by prescribing something to help take the edge off so you can begin talking / addressing the underlying issues, and if you do over think things like you say, Cognitive Behavior Therapy could possibly help you a lot with that. Just don't give up Jann2. If you read several other posts here, you'll find that for some folks they had to try different things before stumbling on what works for them but wanting to heal and become healthy was worth the work. Learning about "grounding" and "mindfulness meditation" has helped many, as well as connecting with nature and perusing one's interests. What kind of things are you interested in?

 

[The Albatross]

Well... Jann... I can say I relate with that (interaction as little as possible with my parents as well). But lacking parental support...I had to ask myself what I needed to be a "viable and independent person". And I did the best I could to cultivate in myself what I needed to learn and the skills I needed to acquire to become one. I worked full time and had school full time, I saved money and began making plans to learn what I needed to move out and become independent. In hind sight, I wish I'd been able to stick it out to finish Jr. College, but that just wasn't in the cards for me as the abuse continued until I moved out. But, panic attacks... agoraphobia... social anxiety... learning to self manage are all things that can be learned. Mentorships were valuable to me as a young person because I could usually find someone with attributes that I lacked and wanted to learn.

You don't say if you are a faith based person but personally, I found it helpful and also received benefit of fellowship with other people in a church.