Childhood Pleasure during abuse

[Emotional girl]

I have just started working with a sexual abuse counsellor and yesterday he asked me as massive question " Did I feel any pleasure during my abuse" ?
He said it was a important that I answer the question because I am feeling so much shame and disgust at the moment . I gave him a very honest answer back.
He then read me a passage from a book about abuse and pleasure and so much of it made sense to me.
Does anyone else feel the same ? or am I alone in feeling this way ? . It has been going around and around in my head but my counsellor is the only person in the real world I have discussed it with.I really do not think I could discuss it with my partner as I don't think he will understand.

 

[somerandomguy]

You are not alone. You're REALLY not alone. It's an extremely difficult topic to discuss but a lot of people have had that happen. It usually makes people feel ashamed, even if intellectually they understand that their body was just doing what it was supposed to do.

It's not proof that anyone enjoyed it or wanted it. It means nothing except your body was doing its job.

 

[Kubash16]

You are most definitely not alone. It’s part of the manipulation and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you so much both of you for ypur replies and thank you for being so honest as well.
Yes I got told that our bodies need to feel the pleasure in order to reproduce.It is such a difficult concept to get your head around as leads to a lot of shame and disgust.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

 

[Kubash16]

The thing to remember is the pleasure we felt is either solely biological. Or our abusers manipulated our minds to believe it was okay. It doesn’t mean we wanted it to happen even if we think we wanted it. It can also be a protection of sorts. Let’s take vaginal lubrication, it can make penetration (even unwanted penetration) soooo much easier and greatly reduce tearing and subsequently infection and such. It’s our biological response to stimulation. Nothing more.

 

[Rumors]

Yep...can relate. I try and think about it like being tickled. I HATE being tickled. I mean HATE. IT. But when someone tickles me, I still laugh out loud and I wish I didn't bc on the inside I want to explode. Well, same thing with the pleasure part of abuse. It makes me want to vomit when I think about it however I do know it's a response. Just like tickling.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you @Rumors for your reply and your analogy of tickling.
In my head I know it was a biological response but as you say when you think about it then it makes you feel physically sick.
I think also it was the shock of the question being asked to me and the fact that the word YES came out of my mouth.

 

[zarae]

hard to type this, but when I was asked by the counselor, I could barely nod. it is one of the hardest aspects to deal with/work through, esp when you think it proof that what they did wasnt that bad because you got something from the abuse.
been told that it is not an uncommon situation, so you aint alone.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much for your reply @zarae .
I agree it leaves you confused because you do feel that if you got pleasure then it couldn't have been that bad.
I think it is quite common but it doesn't make it any easier to process.