Politeness and Addressing Gender Neutral Persons

[theshadowoftheliving]

Not really anything to do with PTSD, but a question I can’t seem to Internet google ....

When I’m out in the world, I try to be as polite as I can be to other humans. I also want to be respectful, such as never assuming I know someone’s pronouns.

If I bump someone, for example, I like to say « excuse me sir » or « excuse me, ma’am ». I like the sir or ma’am because it reinforces that person’s humanity, instead of just saying « hey you over there. »

But what is most polite if you don’t know someone’s gender and don’t want to assume? Is there a gender neutral equivalent to sir or ma’am?

I can’t come up with one, but I hope you can maybe help me?

 

[somerandomguy]

Instead of saying "Excuse me, sir," or "Excuse me, ma'am," you say "Excuse me, please." That's all. There is no widely accepted non-gendered single-person form of address in English.

 

[Changing4Best]

Excuse me dear, or Excuse me my friend, might be OK?

 

[Friday]

Neutral nonspecific language I regularly use
- Excuse me
- Pardon me
- Beg pardon
- I beg your pardon
- Permesso (If I’m actually touching them as I walk past)
- Mi dispiache (direct translation - it displeases me, means sorry)
- I’m sorry / I’m so sorry
- My apologies
- Are you alright?
- No harm done, I hope?
- Gomenisai
- Gomen Gomen!
- Sumimasen
- Daijobu?

Yep. I’ve got both Italian and Japanese in my list, but since most people don’t listen for words in “Oopsies” speak, they listen for tone? (Polite, apologetic, enquiring after, helpful, warm // belligerent, aggressive, rude, entitled, cold) I usually get the expected response as if I’d spoken English.

 

[lymphomamama]

We have some trans and non-binary friends. We leave out all refrence to gender, as posters suggested above. To be honest, I've stopped using gender pronouns with most everyone. Habit.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, everyone.

I think I like excuse me, please. Just a little bit more, a bit more conversational.

And I agree about working gender pronouns out of my language, @lymphomamama. I’ve been working on that for a while, but it is a process.

 

[somerandomguy]

working gender pronouns out of my language

The good news is that using "they," "them," and "their" when referring to an individual is totally becoming accepted now colloquially. I wouldn't accept it in the formal papers I edit (I don't accept "he/she," either - the proper fix is to rewrite to use a plural form so using "they" is acceptable) but in everyday speech I use it all the time now.

 

[lymphomamama]

We have a friend who prefers "they". I'm 55 and learned the definition of "they" as referring to plural. This confuzzles me so I address this friend by name. There has been much to learn but we are fortunate to have life long friends who are patient and teaching(correcting my gaffes) acceptable terms.

 

[Ronin]

I wouldn't accept it in the formal papers I edit

That is quite strange, because AFAIK the formal use of a singular they is where the use by genderqueer+ people comes from.

As in it is (and has been) an accepted proper English form, now only adopted by diverse people, not starting with them.

 

[somerandomguy]

That is quite strange, because AFAIK the formal use of a singular they is where the use by genderqueer+ people comes from.

Definitely not in the sciences here in the USA. Only colloquially in English, and never formally.

 

[Ronin]

and never formally.

Ah, I have been seeing it around for quite a bit... :tup:
Something to check up on, if I had that from BritEnglish or what. So thanks for a topic to dig into.

 

[Sideways]

We have a trans teen currently doing our course to train their dog to be an assistance dog (and the 2 of them make a great team). Mum comes along to class, and told me that this was the situation, but I can’t remember fpr the life of me if it’s a case of boy to girl, or girl to boy transition.

It’s frustrating not having a simple alternative. But at the same time, I see this teen, and it’s obvious that there is a lot of anxiety and depression going on for them. I’d like to get it right simply not just to be respectful, but to show that I’m supportive. This is a person who needs to be identified in a particular way to feel whole, much like I need personal space to feel safe.

But I’m nervous about asking the mum a second time. Like I wasn’t paying enough attention the first time (when actually I just can’t for the life of me remember names and details like that and had a lot going on at the time the mum first spoke to me.

So I totally get wanting to get it right. I don’t personally feel any significance in my gender. Menstruation brings a shite-load of health issues I’d rather do without, but it’s not about that, and working with this trans-teen has been an eye-opener for me. There is a really big internal struggle going on for this teen (and gawd knows being a teen is hard enough), and for this teen it’s really apparent that words can either be really hurtful or really supportive, in a way that I can’t possibly fathom.

Has changed my perspective a lot. I used to not worry too much. I’d have happily continued using ‘they’. But once the introduction was made? I find myself genuinely wanting to use the right words, because that will be supportive, and this already fragile teen needs all the support they can get.