Post Disclosure Effects

[KwanYingirl]

So I disclosed to my therapist finally some of the worst of my CSA. Before that I held tight to my silence by digging in my heels and chanting 'it's not me' during flashbacks in session. I initially felt relieved after sharing my memories. Then I became overwhelmed by sorrow because the little girl vanished. I kept her close to me for so, so long and poof-she's gone. I got more and more distressed and asked for an extra session. My therapist said he was gone til yesterday which I interpreted that he was trying to get rid of me.

So today was my usual time and I dreaded going. I've been crying a lot and so sad. Very confused about the shift in my reality. Where did she go? He walked me through the process of disclosure leading to grief and mourning. He suggested to me that she has been integrated with me. He said I used to be either all child or all adult and extremely dissociative. I used to shiver and shake and then leave the planet. I remember he would say come back Judy, come back.

What's your take on this integration phenomenon? What does it feel like? Do you think that's where she went? Like we coalesced. I absolutely agree that I am hardly dissociative since working with this therapist and with yoga. Did I have a breakthrough or just a small step forward?

 

[Chava]

Whoa...I do hope there is something to this which could explain away how depressed I've been. I have noticed I'm less way-far disconnected and actually feel like I'm connected to my own body more often, like I'm one piece...like I am integrating some stuff...but sometimes I feel like I don't like what I'm left with, or like I've integrated too much of a little mute and isolated version of myself. Less self-destructive, more confused...

Probably only time will tell if this is a small step or huge leap. I suspect huge, but better if it doesn't feel too earth-shattering, like you're further disconnected. If you're more connected, but really sad, that probably is a good sign, right??

Glad you had your appointment and were able to talk about it.

 

[shimmerz]

Integration feels to me, like light in a dark place. Recognizing how I perpetually kept that place dark. Not taking responsibility for the darkness in the first place, but how I refused to shine. Shining is acknowledging my truth. It is no longer forcing a cognitive battle but instead letting it seep into every cell of my body.

Physically, I can tell I have integrated something because I get a shudder all through me, in every cell. These are usually smaller integrated items. They come to me sometimes after a full integration. Rarely prior. My brain no longer goes over something ad nauseum.

I really have to congratulate you for your bravery on this @KwanYingirl ! You absolutely rock!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@shimmerz i really like your language describing integration. This is new territory for me. But I can so relate to you. I'm cautiously optimistic. I am hardly using any Xanax for about three weeks. Now that represents healing!!!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava thank you for your outlook. As things shift in my mind it usually sets off a fear response. I'm trying to put a positive spin on things, but don't want to be delusional either.

 

[Hope4Now]

I tried to respond to this last night. Wrote a long post that disappeared. Ugh.

I wish I knew the answer to your question. The integration hasn't really happened yet for me. It sounds, though, as if you have a very wise therapist.

I'll share this. Not sure if the analogy is helpful. It was to me. In another thread, someone used the analogy of eggs and cake to explain something to me. It's apropos here. Before you make the cake, the ingredients are separate. Then you mix and bake and they transform into something new. The eggs are still there, still real, just different. Then you eat the cake and it becomes yet something else...not eggs, not cake, but part of you. Everything is still you, but it's a different experience.

I am glad that you're healing!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh, that's a great analogy!! Thanks. I think I have a very gifted therapist. One of my clients scribbled his name and number down for me as she had EMDR by him and recommended him. Over a year later, I finally called.