Power and subjugation part iv

[Rani G2]

I have been writing about this so many times, that I might come across unteachable or not willing to truly make changes. Yes, its a tough subject for me and I have my difficulties coping with this thinking structure. I have spoken about this with my T and what want to know is:

Do you feel similar?are you familiar with these thoughts? If so what do you do about it?

I have this ideal self that is strong, somone who talks back, is able to handle conflicts, doesnt give in easily, doesnt need others approval. Is not selfapologetic all the time.


We are at times weak and strong at the same time. And thats human I guess.

Everytime I have a disscussion with someone and I feel like I didnt “win“ it, I feel extremely weak, depressed and emotionally drained as if I lost a battle.

What I mean by winning is that if I have a opinion about something I dislike the fact that I didnt stay at it. I dont like the feeling of “wanting to be liked“ or changing my opinion so that I can avoid a conflict. Usually I do stick to my views, because I know if I give in too easily I have to deal with the “I am weak“ issue.

How can you see it from another perspective? Who is weak? What does it mean to be truly selfconfident?

Thanks...

 

[AnD]

Hi, @PURUSHA. I haven't read your other threads, and I feel glad that you brought this up. There is one interaction that I think of when I think of this and I would like to share. It haunts me a bit.

First, I would like to share what my ideal strong person is. I think my therapist is one and people like Dalai Lama that has that inner light. A sense of inner peace. People that know themselves, other people's crap just bounce off, they are not afraid to take a stand but it does not matter to them if others follow or not, people that know when to bend, who know that stuff that comes out of other people's mouths are just their shit. Not my problem. Two feet planted on the ground, and no/very little aggression.

So my story. I was at a friend's party. My other friend had brought her boyfriend along. He was older, ceo (or something like that) at a company. I felt inferior because of his self-confidence without humility, an alpha-male. I projected my father and sister, I think onto him. Mostly my father. He became like an enemy. I wanted to have my father admit something. Like he hurt me and when he speaks only of himself it hurts. When I was younger he dominated with his anger in the family. So this guy became my father. I projected, I had an emotional flashback. I also felt excluded, so I felt non-human.

My two triggers: being lowest in the hierarchy and not being seen. They create the emotional flashbacks of being in danger (I normally react by getting into fight mode or fawn) and not being human (that feeling really does a number on me).

Ok, so my friend with the ceo-boyfriend has an ex. He is clearly damaged by his parents and is not a nice guy. I started to talk about him to the ceo-guy and saying I felt sorry for the ex. He lives in denial, can not see this and will probably live his whole life without really living, without really processing his trauma. The ceo got offended and said the ex is an asshole. And the discussion continued. The ceo got annoyed with me, I felt small. My friend understood what I was saying.

I appologised both face to face. And then by via a text to my friend when I realized I had been talking about myself. I wanted the ceo stop being angry with the ex, because I identified with the ex. I never knew I was damaged, the ceo became my angry father, my dangerous sister, my therapist that broke me, all into one. And I wanted him to save me, or something. And he didn't. He stood his ground. And that is ok.

I felt I had ruined the relationship btw him and me, and my friend. I realized I really need warm people around me, I am afraid of alpha-males. I can avoid them for now as a coping mechanism. Because I become this strange person that engages in a pissing contest with them and is afraid at the same time. Not healthy for me. And not only males, also alpha-women. And it is all about me.

Well, it was an emotional turmoil for me. But very eye-opening.

So maybe your feeling of having to win is something similar to my feelings I have tried to describe. What trauma does it remind you of? What dysfunctional dynamic does it remind you of?

 

[Rani G2]

@AnD

think my therapist is one and people like Dalai Lama that has that inner light. A sense of inner peace. People that know themselves, other people's crap just bounce off, they are not afraid to take a stand but it does not matter to them if others follow or not,

Thank you for sharing...

I realized I really need warm people around me, I am afraid of alpha-males. I can avoid them for now as a coping mechanism. Because I become this strange person that engages in a pissing contest with them and is afraid at the same time. Not healthy for me.

I understand your situation. This originates from our history. And even knowing this, Its still a struggle when being triggered. The same program is being played over and over again.

What trauma does it remind you of? What dysfunctional dynamic does it remind you of?

I know where the source lies in, but still find it hard to deal with it.

A lot of exploring and changing that needs to be done.

 

[Rani G2]

I wish I could make that transition from styaing frozen at that state of “fighting back, giving in, I was inferior“ to take a step back and truly look at it from a new perspective.

 

[scout86]

I dont like the feeling of “wanting to be liked“ or changing my opinion so that I can avoid a conflict.

Maybe a difference of opinion doesn't always have to be a conflict? Maybe you can use it as an opportunity to learn something about another point of view. That doesn't mean you have to change what you think. It doesn't have to be done out of fear or weakness. You can act out of true curiosity. Maybe, at least sometimes, it would work to ask the other person to explain their points of view and not look at the encounter as a conflict at all.

 

[Rani G2]

Maybe, at least sometimes, it would work to ask the other person to explain their points of view and not look at the encounter as a conflict at all.

Thanks scout! Something to think about...

I think labeling it as power and submission is a typical tfauma dynamic. In a traumatic experience we feel hopeless, oppressed, disrespected and our boundaries crushed.
A part of me thinks that it needs to fight back keep myself in a higher ground, secure never ever to feel that helplessnes again. I was triggered a bit at work because I meet all kinds of people, some very dominant and agressive at times. I usually can fight back but afterwards I feel fear, massively. As if that person will punish me.

 

[Sideways]

To me? The essence of strength and self-confidence are all about assertiveness. As opposed to aggression.

Assertiveness is about being able to clearly express your opinion and your needs, but in a way that is respectful of the people around you. They are allowed to have different opinions to mine, just as I am entitled to disagree with them. The key is in: have I communicated my position effectively, without treading all over the other person?

The problem with having to be 'right', is that we have no control over the other person and their thoughts or beliefs, or even their behaviour. And if they're behaving unreasonably, or putting forward an opinion that is just plain stoopid? There's not much I can do about that. The only thing I can control is me.

Being able to come away from interactions with others knowing "I communicated my position well, and I'm proud of the way I behaved", has no reference to things that are out of our control, but it does mean that we've stoof up for ourselves, and stayed true to the values that we consider important: things like, "Do I make other people feel like crap about themselves, or do I give them the kind of respect that I want for myself?"

If I come away from a conversation knowing I've communicated well, and that I'm proud of the way I've handled myself? That's where self-confidence comes from.

Having to persuade everyone else that I'm 'right'? To me? Would be a hallmark of very low self-confidence, not good strong self-confidence. It takes a lot of courage and self-esteem to be the person that other people disagree with, and be okay with that:)